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If my labor and delivery had a baseball-type trading card, the statistics on the back would look something like this:
Attempts it took to insert my first IV: 5
Hours it took to induce labor: 20
Hours of active labor: 15
Hours of trying to push out Baby A: 3
Number of monitors attached to me during said 38 hours: 3
Minutes it took my doctor to decide it was time for a c-section: 2
Days we thought we would be in the hosiptal following a c-section: 4
Days we were actually in the hosiptal: 10
Number of uterus infections I got during labor: 1
Number of people in the room during my c-section: more than 12
Number of babies born: 2
Number of days the girls were away from us in the NICU: 3
Number of days of IV fluids it took before the fluid began to enter my lungs: 4
Number of catheters: 3
Number of times I had blood taken: around 20
Number of chest Xrays: 2
Number of CT scans: 2 (one of my heart and lungs, one of my uterus)
Number of Echocardiogram: 1
Number of doctors and medical students on my case: around 15
Final diagnosis from said doctors: pneumonia and fluid on the lungs from too much IV fluids, plus uterus infection from labor and of course the c-section itself
Temperature I had to stay below for 24 hours straight before I could leave the hospital: 38 C or 100.4
So, hopefully the above list tells most of the story. Basically, being induced was a bad idea. Yes, it started my labor, but it took way too long and all that time on IV fluids was too much for my body to handle. The fluids entered my lungs and then I got pnemonia. I also got a uterine infection during labor, which had something to do with when Rachel's water broke. After 15 hours of active labor and 3 hours of pushing (with the help of many female residents who work for my doctor), the party was over when my doctor came to check on me. I was 10 centimeters dialated and Rachel's head was at station 1, but my doctor used the sonogram machine to see that Anya had changed postions from head down to transverse across my tummy again, she was having none of this pushing!!!! So, no matter what, Anya would have been delivered c-section.
The decision to have a c-section was made and I have to say I was relieved. After 38 hours of work, I was ready to see these babies. It only took about 10 minutes before I was in the operating room, completely numb on a a thin table with my arms strapped down. The room was beautiful, so bright and white. Above me were these huge sci-fi looking lights and I thought, that is so beautiful. I wasn't afraid at all. I was actually excited to be almost done. Sometime after the numbing was done, I began to shake. It was all over, shaking. This, too, I almost enjoyed. It was so much better than being strapped to that labor bed with all those monitors. The shaking made me feel alive and awake in that bright bright room.
They finally let Jeff in the room, all dressed in scrubs. With his little red glasses, he looked so serious and fatherly. He told me how he had met a set of newborn twin boys in the recovery room before coming to be with me. It must have been such a positive thing for him to see and he shared the story with such excitement. Before we knew it, I was opened up and I could feel them tugging at Rachel. After those 3 hours of pushing, she was deep in my pelvis. I could feel them trying to wiggle her out by her feet. And then she was out and I felt empty where she had been wedged prior. It felt like forever, but two minutes later, Anya, too, was freed from my tummy. Before her liberation, I felt them break her water, gushing fluid all over my insides.
It must have been 30 minutes before the scrub-clad team were done cleaning up the girls and brought them to us. They were red and puffy and smaller than I thought they would be. Jeff and I were shocked by their features, though. They had the most interesting little noses and the most petite little faces. They looked nothing like most newborns look. We were warned that most newborns look like wringled old men. But not these girls. Jeff said it first, I think. "They look like tiny elves!" he said. And they did and they do.
And that ends the most important part of my hospital stay. The arrival of my tiny elves.
Of course we were in the hosiptal for 8 more days, during which the girls went to the NICU to be checked for traces of my infection, none was found. But they were successfully taught to drink formula from a bottle during this time of course, something that I was instantly upset about. By day 3, the fluid in my lungs was found when I woke up at 5 am, not being able to breathe. Days of searching for heart trouble, blood clots and who knows what else pointed to pneumonia. All the while, Jeff and his mom and I had to learn how to take care of twins in a tiny hospital room, while I was hooked to oxygen and IVs and catheters, recovering from a c-section. It was stressful to say the least. People could hand me babies, but mostly I just watched from bed.
I left the hospital after 10 days, with a prescription for the strongest antibodic around, thus also with instructions to not breastfeed for two weeks. My girls were already having trouble latching on since they were so small and only 37 weeks gestation. Now, I had toxic milk to deal with. Breastfeeding is on hold for now, so I pump and dump every 3 hours and feed my babies this gross formula. Yuck!
We are home and everyday gets easier. Being sick in the hospital made it hard to bond with the girls, but now I find it hard to put them back in their crib after they have been fed and changed. I love to feel their soft little heads against my chest, just like in the dreams I had before they were born.
This is just an update to let people know that we are all ok. It has been over a week and I just got home. Yes, we were in the hospital for 10 days. Girls were born on day 2. Then other things started happening, not to them, but to me. I will go into huge detail later, but just so you know, we are all home now and healthy and tired. Look for a real update tomorrow.
Rachel Leigh Barrus was born on July 28th, at 5:59 pm via c-section. She weighed 5 pounds and 3 ounces and was 18 1/2 inches long.
Anya Kathryn Barrus was born on July 28th, at 6:01 pm via c-section. She weighed 5 pounds and 3 -1/2 ounces and was 18 1/2 inches long.
Both look like tiny elves.
Thanks to everyone who has written with kind words of encouragement. I am off to be induced and meet my tiny girls. Thank you for thinking of us. Hopefully Jeff will post pictures in the next few days, or at least let you know that we are all ok. Maybe I will be home by the weekend!!! That would be rad.
I have two days left, well one now that today is over. Then I will climb a mountain that may be terribly difficult to climb or not. I will have no idea until I get there. What I do know is that I will have the biggest job ahead of me when I get to the top.
I spent a good hour in bed today listening to my ipod and thinking. I mostly listened to a boy named Davey sing songs about love and houses and dancing. Davey has a lovely raspy yet girly voice. He has had a hard time in his life and yet he makes art about being happy. Davey made me think about the fact that someday one or both of my girls will be in love. And my hopes are that they will fall in love with someone like these songs I am listening to. Someone kind and giving and smart, someone like my Jeff. Thinking of the future of my girls' love life made me remember a dream that I had before I even knew that my girls were girls. A dream in which one of my girls was at a party, wearing two hats and waiting for her sister to arrive. She meets a boy, a thin boy not unlike her father. They talk outside in the cold about why she doesn't like parties. He builds things for a living and has the most interesting and wonderul blue snowflake tattoos on his face. She is falling in love with the snowflake boy.
I realized just now that the scene I dreamt is not unlike the day Jeff and I started dating. We were outside in the dark, escaping a room full of people. It was raining and we were talking about a girl that he liked. He told me that he didn't like her anymore, that he liked someone else. "Who? I asked." You, silly, he said. So simple and uncomplicated. This is what I want for my girls. Love. Uncomplicated. I want my girls to know love the way I do.
As if ordering a meal yesterday, my doctor let us schedule the birth of our tiny girls. Even though both babies are head down, he asked if we wanted a vaginal or c-section birth. I must have looked him like he was crazy. So, we are scheduled to be induced next Wednesday, July 27th. I have to say that I am a little unhappy about this... about not being able to go into labor naturally. But apparently this doctor and hospital takes the 37 weeks is full term for twins very seriously. My labor is being induced at 37 weeks, 1 day. I really do hope that this is what is best for me and the babies and not just what is best for the doctor and hospital. My negative feelings toward my doctor are coloring my ability to cope a bit.
Yesterday my blood pressure was 130/80 instead of the 120/70 that my doctor likes. He mentioned that the babies were still head down and to that I said, "yes, they are good girls." To this he said, "too bad their mom isn't." Nice. I wanted to say, "you try weighing 295 pounds and carrying twins in the middle of the summer and not having slightly elevated blood pressure!" What an ass. Jeff and I have agreed that if we ever get pregnant again, we are going with warm, fuzzy, crunchy, new age-y midwives all the way.
Anyway. Had to get that last bit of negative out. :) Now, I need to prepare myself for the coming work that I need to do. I have read many stories of being induced and like all labor stories, some are easy and fast and some are long and hard. I don't know what to expect. What I do know is that I need to try and have a positive attitude and a sense of humor and face my fears and work hard to not have this end in a c-section.
I keep wondering how much hair my girls will have. It is something that I am a little obsessed with. I think it is keeping my mind off of other things.
Oh and yes, I have gained back all 70 pounds. I would have made it through with only 50 pounds gained without this past month of bedrest. I know I will drop the pounds, but this feels terrible. It isn't really the baby weight that feels so bad, but the size of my legs and thighs (which just got worse and worse with said bed rest). Oh well. It could have been worse and next Wednesday I will likley drop about 20 or more pounds. :)
And the numbers..... Rachel is now 5 pounds and 12 ounces and her once bigger sister Anya is now 5 pounds and 8 ounces! Of course this is done via a machine with measurements and math and such, so who knows how accurate it is. But, yes both of my girls are over 5 1/2 pounds now. Which means I am carrying more than 11 pounds of babies in me and I am just fine, thank you! I think I could carry 14 if I had to. During the sonogram, Anya was wiggling around and you could see it from outside of my tummy, like in Alien or Aliens or whatever. It looks more like waves, than pushing to get out. So Rachel gained 2 pounds in 3 weeks!
We are now past the crazy scary tiny baby phase. Our babies would not even have to go to the NICU for being too small at this point. If I can keep them in there for a few more weeks, I might have 6 plus pound babies! Now I feel like I wanna compete in some growing babies show or something. "Can she get them to 7 pounds before she is induced!" What kind of a prize would I get on such a show?
Our doctor was very nice and happy. Whoohoo! He said we could induce at 37 or 38 weeks. I would really rather wait to 38 as I would like to just go into labor naturally rather than be induced, but we will see. These people, they want to manage everything! Oh, if you are wondering, twins are induced at 37 or 38 weeks because it is possible that the placenta could stop working under the strain, at least that is what I have read. There might be another reason, but I can't remember.
Tomorrow is our big move across the hall. Dude, I am going to have babies soon. How crazy is that? Super crazy. Nap time, now.
I just looked down to see a piece of brownie in my pink hair. Haven't dyed my hair in months and months, so the atomic pink has faded to a really shiny strawberry. The brownie looks like cake on icing. This is my excitement. This is this formerly and yet again fat girl on bed rest. I am not feeling bad for myself. I am laughing as I type this.
3 more pounds and I will have gained back all the weight I struggled to lose. And I am ok, most minutes. About once a day, I feel like Jabba the Hut. I have probably gained about 15 pounds in the past month and I know for a fact it is about the bed rest. Luckily as soon as these girls get here, I will never have time to sit down again. There are a few food items that I have been ictching to eat, though. Goobers! I think about them all the time. Sushi! Lamb with cucumber sauce! Trying to keep my salt intake down and being stuck at home has made me think of food again, like the fat girl of the past did. This is of great concern to me. Hopefully, it will go away as soon as I can eat what I like for a few weeks after the birth. Hopefully I won't have to re-teach myself good habits. I know that the exercise will come easily because that has always been an emotional thing for me and I am so emotionally ready for that treadmill!
My tummy is so big that I can't reach Jeff across the great middle that is our giant bed. This makes me dream about him. I dreamt the other night that he asked me to marry him. And that he smelled like a man, whatever that means. These two things were very funny things to dream because we are married and Jeff doesn't really have a smell. It is also funny because it is such a girlie thing to dream. So not me. I wonder if it is the hormones of the tiny girls pumping through me like some feminine crazy drug. Pregnancy has tamed me a lot, but making me dream of marriage proposals is just too far! I want my brain back!
Even though the labor and delivery of my girls is looming over me, I feel like it will never really happen. That perhaps I am stuck in some kind of a loop and I will be this pregnant forever. Some minutes it is very easy, and others I can barely turn in bed or walk. I dreamt the other night that I lost my mucus plug. If you don't know what that is, sorry for having to tell you about it. It is what it sounds like, a plug of blood and mucus that you lose when you get close to giving birth. It is like a cork, if you will. So, I lost my mucus plug in my dream and it looked like a little brain molded out of clear glue. I think as long as it waits a few weeks, I am looking forward to seeing my mucus plug. I want to name him when I see him. I want to greet him as you would a blind date. Hello, I don't know what you will bring, but I hope it is good. I've never had a blind date, so what do I know.
I can't wait to see who my girls look like. I hope they have lots of soft baby monkey hair like Jeff did when he was born. Tomorrow, we have a sonogram for growth. Will let you know how much they weigh tomorrow. We are hoping over 5 pounds each.
You would think that being home on bedrest would make me write more. Frankly, I have not enjoyed working (like for work) via laptop in bed these past few weeks, so I avoid the laptop on off-hours. I never knew that I would yearn to sit at a desk and type.
It is 7:45 on Sunday night and Jeff is cleaning the living room because the building manager is bringing someone by tomorrow to look at our apartment. Yep, you heard me correctly. I have had a busy busy week for a very pregnant girl. Last week, I noticed our neighbor across the hall move out. Then later in the week, the exterminator knocked on the door and by the time I got there to tell him "no, thank you exterminator!" he was already across the hall with the door to the empty apartment open. I peaked in and oh my! That apartment was huge and empty and pretty and and and.
So by Thursday last week, I had it all settled and in less than a week, we will be completing the move across the hall. The apartment is still only a one bedroom, but it is a one bedroom with a huge solarium. A big round room of windows that looks out over the park and it is a perfect nursery for my tiny girls. Sure, the kitchen is off of it and you might call it a dining room if you thought such things existed. But I am not the type of girl who has ever had a dining room, so we will not speak of such things. The rest of the apartment is also bigger, too.
Now, all this wonderfulness must be costing us a fortune in this crazy city. Of course it is, but when I asked the building manager for the price, he told me a number that I wasn't too keen to hear. There I was, all super pregnant, carrying 9 or 10 pounds of babies and without missing a beat, I told him what I wanted to pay. I just did it. In this housing market, a month before Washington, D.C., will be teaming with a whole freshman class of college students from Idaho or where ever, whose parents would love to set them up in such a lovely place and pay full price, I haggled. These past few months, Jeff has remarked on my amazing negotiating skills. I used them to get our new car for 2k less than the sticker price, I use them every day with Jeff and there I was using them to get an apartment for what I wanted to pay for it.
And what an easy move this will be! We aren't even packing. Jeff has been carting things over in our grocery cart all day and next weekend our parents and some friends will be coming over to help. By next sunday, we will be completely moved and our tiny girls will have a nursery. And like a dining room, I never thought I would be the type of person to have a nursery. I always thought I'd be plopping my babies down in the living room or in bed with us. While this only solves our housing woes for the next year, it is a huge relief. And I must say, it is also the most extreme nesting of all time.
Last week's doctor's appointments went great because my doctor was on vacation and I saw another one. I saw another doctor who didn't bat an eye at my 5 pound weight gain in one week. I am sure this upcoming week will not be the same, but I felt like I was on vacation, too. This other doctor actually asked me if I had questions. Amazing. I finally asked the when question and who questions. Answer to the when is 38 weeks. Since I have twins, they would likely let me go 38 weeks before inducing or doing a c-section. But since my girls are head down, it would be inducing. That means that yes, I will likely have babies in 3 weeks if not sooner. Jeff thinks I will go all the way to 38 weeks. We will see. The answer to the who question was that any of 6 doctors could deliver if I deliver vaginally. A c-section would be done by my doctor. Whoohoo! Just what I wanted to hear. I will be so happy if I don't have that man barking at me when I am trying to push out two babies.
I just looked down and didn't recognize my own legs. They are so huge and meaty. Not swelling, just fat! I have now gained 60 pounds while pregnant. Not too bad, I suppose, but, boy, do I feel it. I go to the bathroom to pee and examine my face. My nose is wider than before, which I have noticed a lot during this whole pregnancy. But I see a new thing now. My lips seem so full and pink. They are almost as pink as my hair. I remember when I was about 14, I always thought I had the thinnest lips. I wonder if I was right or just overly sensitve to my appearance then. Because today, I am all pucker-y. I wonder if it is the hormones of the two girls inside of me.
Jeff and I both had vivid dreams of the girls the other night. In both of our dreams, one girl had a very specific personality and the other another. We both dreamed that Anya was outgoing and talky while Rachel was more quiet and calm. I hope that we don't push these things on them, but it is weird that we dreamed that the same night.
I realize that I haven't listened to my ipod in a month, so I turn her own and listen to the Mountain Goats and Heavenly. And as usual, the music reminds me of the old me. And I wonder if the old me will be back when this is all over or if the new me will somehow re-absorb her into this new person. I can't wait to see.
Jeff and I have spent the long weekend watching Bill Murray movies and eating brownies. Is this what normal people do with their last few weeks of freedom?
Before Bill and the brownies, our friends, Michael and Edie were so so kind to come over and entertain me for all of Saturday. All day! It really did make me feel more normal to have other people in the house for the day. Jeff made BBQ and I even got to eat on the roof of the building, which was my only trip out of the apartment besides going to the doctor in the past two weeks. Poor me, being made to stay out of the Washington summer. :)
Of course, Saturday actually took a lot out of me and made me very very tired and Jeff kept telling me that my vacation to the couch would be over if I didn't spend more time in bed. And I know that starting Tuesday, I will be back in bed full time.
Tuesday! Tuesday marks 34 weeks pregnant. Jeff says he feels like we are in a holding pattern now. That it just feels like we are waiting now. But, I am kinda hoping we still have 3 or 4 more weeks. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to be 40 weeks pregnant with twins, since 37 is often thought of as full term for twins, but I don't want to go into labor now either and deal with tiny babies. But I understand his feelings of things being on hold. He has put together the crib, we have hundreds and hundreds of diapers stock piled and it seems that we can sit and watch my belly grow. I often wonder if it would have gotten this big with just one baby. And then I wonder how much bigger it can possibly get. Maybe Jeff will take a picture for me tomorrow to post.
I was reading some old posts about weight loss the other day. And I realized something. That first weight loss journey was really just a dress rehearsal. Sure, I lost 70 pounds. Well, now I have gained 55 of it back. It is easy to forget that. I know that it is a different kind of weight and that I will likely drop 20 pounds or so giving birth. But these past few weeks in bed have made me totally take a look at how big my bum and thighs have gotten again. Don't get me wrong. I am not worrying over them, just sort of exploring old territory.
I am really looking forward to getting back into this challenge of losing weight again. And this time, I won't just be losing the baby weight, but I will get to continue the original journey. I am a little curious to see how easy or hard it will really be. How much breastfeeding really helps, how much time I will have for exercise, how hungry breastfeeding will make me, how much I will have to eat to breastfeed two babies. Don't think that I am stressing over these things. I am curious, the way one would be about visiting a foriegn land for the first time. It isn't an emotional thing like the first time I lost the weight, it is more intellectual. I am hoping the emotional issues surrounding weight for me are completely gone. I am even curious to see if that is the case. Because I found it really is emotional issues that keep us fat and unhealthy.
So. 34 weeks and being pregnant with twins is finally getting hard for me. It is hard to sleep and hard to stay awake. I have begun to be able to feel contractions about once a day, but they go away quickly by drinking water and resting. But really, I still don't think I am AS uncomfortable as I was at my most fat and unhealthy. Isn't that fascinating?
On Tuesday, we had some great victories at the doctor's appointments. I thought it was starting out badly when during our BPP (biophysical profile of the babies), Rachel was asleep and wouldn't wake up to be profiled. And since she is the smaller one, I thought there would be trouble. But nope, the sono tech kept poking at her through my tummy to get her to wake up. Then I decided to try. I started talking to her to get her to wake up and she did! Crazy. The babies passed the BPP and then my amniotic fluid levels went from an 11 two weeks ago to a 16.5.
When I got in to see the doctor, my blood pressure was up because I didn't want to be scolded by him. So the nurse let me lay down and calm down for 5 minutes. When she came back my blood pressure had gone from 140/90 to 120/70. We all cheered! My doctor was very happy with my numbers and even smiled at me! Crazy. It might have helped that I reminded him that he would be on vacation next week.
Jeff and I felt like we had won a great battle by not being checked into Labor and Devliery like our last two appointments. We have another sonogram on Friday to track Rachel's growth. Let's hope that goes just as well.
Then on Tuesday night, one of my best friends in the world gave me a call. And I mean, *in the world!*. Eileen called me from Chile! So exciting. I hadn't "talked" to her via voice in over a year and it was so nice to hear her voice. She was my number one cheerleader during the early parts of my weight loss journey and I can never repay her for that. I remember weighing 300 pounds and feeling so bad about myself on those first summer days of living in the city. And there was this fit girl walking her bike slowly home from work with me as I struggled. At first I tried to hide my struggling from her. But then she taught me that I didn't have to. It was the beginning of embracing my journey. Not hating myself anymore. She did so many other things for me during our friendship. I learned a lot from her about being a giving and supportive friend. I found out that she will likely be in DC during my late July window of tiny girl arrival. She won't be here for the best reasons for her, but secretly I am thrilled. I want her to see what her wonderful friendship has helped me to do. I want her to see my passengers.
Thinking of my friendship with Eileen reminds me how every interaction that you have with people can take you in new directions and spark new ways of thinking and dreaming and living. A million little things started me on my journey to lose the weight and a million little things kept me on it. But would those things have worked without that specific friendship? Or a dozon other things? It makes you think about how you walk through life. Should you smile or talk to that person today? Do you have the energy to encourage someone? I am not saying that we can or should try to save everyone. I am just saying that sometimes little connections can make a huge difference in someone else's life. They can become long paths to other things and you may never know it.
Tomorrow marks one week on bed rest. Whoohoo! It has taken me that long to realize that this isn't all about me. That this is really about the tiny girls and keeping the tiny girls inside for longer. I am lucky that no one wrote to tell me that in such a harsh way, because I wasn't ready to hear it.
It took a few things this week to make me realize that I am nearly 33 weeks pregnant with twins and that gone are the carefree days of 24 weeks pregnant or even 28. I am no longer beat the drum of how strong I am and must begin to listen to my body, really listen, because it is starting to tell me new things now, things that I wasn't ready for.
Friday's doctor appointment did two things. One, we found out that Anya is now 4 lbs 3 oz, while Rachel is 3 lbs 15 oz. Rachel was hard to measure and thus the sonogram tech couldn't get an accurate measurement on Rachel's tummy. Thus, her tummy is measuring small for her gestational age, which is cause for some concern. Enough so, that we will now be seeing the doctor 3 times a week. This caution is important because one twin could very suddenly stop growing and I don't want to be sitting around while Rachel isn't growing.
The second thing that happened was that my blood pressure was once again up because I was stressed out about having to get my blood pressure checked. Go figure. So off to 'Labor and Delivery' we went to be admitted. After a few hours or monitoring, I once again had no real signs of pre-eclampsia. My blood pressure went straight down as soon as we got there. But then, right when we thought we would be going home, in runs TWO doctors with a sonogram machine. "Aren't you feeling these contractions!!!??" one said. Frankly, Jeff and I were talking about how I would really like him to make me some pancakes and no I didn't feel anything. Looking at the monitor, though, I saw them! They were these huge huge well spaced mountains on the print out. Full, nice contractions. But I felt nothing. I got a shot of something to make them stop, got my cervix checked and was made to drink lots and lots of water. My cervix was fine, still hard and closed. The shot made my heart race and race. It took a while, but the filling up and emptying my bladder of water made the contractions stop. Poor Jeff had to go home and walk Archie while we waited for my uterus to calm down and must have been totally freaked out.
By about 8pm, my uterus was tamed and I was released with the new fear of silent, but strong and mighty contractions.
I read that some women pregnant with twins can't feel contractions because their uterus is too stretched. So it isn't just me. But Saturday and Sunday, I paid very close attention to my body and noticed that I indeed do have two or three contractions in the morning that only go away with lots and lots of water. Now, I have a healthy respect and fear of premature birth that my former, "look how strong I am" attitude wouldn't allow. This is good for the tiny girls.
So, it is bed rest for me for the rest of this pregnancy, along with 3 appts a week. I am not upset about this. I have seen the doctors let me go home and am not afraid of being sent to the hospital for weeks on end. Frankly, at 33 weeks, I most likely only have 4 to 5 weeks to go. And carrying 8 pounds of baby around right now is hard. What will it be like when there are 10 pounds of baby in there? Or even more? oh my! I get to continue to work from home via my laptop for a while even though I have to spend some time on my left side everyday.
I am lucky for this time. I am getting to bond with the girls more. I have begun to dream of them again, something that went away for a month or so there. Two recent dreams: First I dreamt that I tried to put on my shoes and rather than shoes I could only find babies. Second, I dreamt that my great grandma called me into her dark room, like she did when i was a kid. She called me to give me something or show me something. But instead of a great grandma, I felt around in her bed to find this tiny soft head of short hair. And tiny soft limbs. I found babies who wanted to breastfeed. The softest little heads in the world.
And I get to spend these next 4 or 5 weeks, if I am lucky, with these little soft heads and not with the rest of the world to distract me. I know I will get to spend more time than that with them, but this is probably some of the most important time in their lives right now, this last month of growth inside of me. Yes, me!
Monday's doctor appointment landed me on bed rest at home. My doctor is still concerned about the possiblity that I will develop pre-eclampsia, although I do not have it yet.
I am working from home via laptop and try not to spend too much time sitting up, thus I haven't written much or responded to emails. Hopefully I will be able to do that later today.
Jeff is being so wonderful, cooking all my meals and taking care of me. But it has been stressful for both of us.
Friday, I have another appointment and my doctor is threatening to "admit me" to the hospital and once again, I have no idea what that means. I don't mind staying on bedrest for the next 5 weeks or so, as long as I can do it at home. I think that my doctor is judging me a bit based on the pink hair and the fact that I seem light-hearted about most things. I hate him for this. I really do. I am a very serious person, who deals with things in a light-hearted way to survive. It is just how I am. I hate that he is taking the joy out of these last few weeks for us. Caution is one thing, but this man has no joy.
With every appointment, I feel as if my faith in my ability to do this is being damaged, all for caution. He is concerned about my weight and swelling, two things that are symptoms of pre-eclampsia. But frankly, he doesn't know me. He doens't know that I have only gained 50 pounds after being pregnant 8 months with twins! He doesn't care about that, he only cares about the overall weight and how rapid I gain it. Last time I checked, pregnant women gain weight and have swollen feet. Anyway, I am the strongest and healthiest I have ever ever been and I need to remember that. I will follow his instructions, so that I don't develop pre-eclampsia, but I will not let him crush my spirit. Now I know why women go to midwives.
I am trying to submit while retaining my inner strength. There isn't much time left. I just hope I can continue to spend that time here, in my own bed with my lovely husband taking care of me, rather than in the hospital where I will be treated like I have a disease.
Bouncing back. It is easy. Watch me.
Yesterday, I found myself swirling down the drain. Swirling, swirling, swirling. Yesterday was the second day in a row that I worked from home this week. The second day in a row that I didn't go out into the invisible wall of heat that DC has been this past week. The second day that I didn't change out of my sleep pants. The second day that I did my work in the little corner of our apartment, with the TV on. Yesterday, my feet were so swollen that I couldn't wear shoes.
So by last night, I was swirling down the drain. It was so easy to get there, too. And I know that things like not showering and having the insipid daytime TV on in the background made it worse worse worse.
I went to bed last night, not thinking I would ever be happy again. Really. I did. Isn't that lame? I let these feelings spill over into the my future. Spill over into what it will be like to be home with two tiny girls.
But, get this... this morning I woke up completely fine. There is magic in the bounce back. Amazing magic. I woke up rested and not swollen and ready for the day. I thought, if only it could have been like this when I was depressed years ago. Morning. Wake up. Pow! All better. Is it the power of the tiny girls inside my tummy? Did they spirit away my swirling in the night? If so, thank you tiny girls.
I spent some time this morning thinking of things that will make me happy again when the girls get here. First is shoes. Yes, shoes. I can't wait to have my normal feet back so that I can wear my cute shoes. I know that sounds silly. But if you are a Mary Janes girl, you know what I mean. I am sick of wearing the ugly sneakers like when I was the biggest fat girl. I want to slip my feet into shoes that don't match the rest of my clothes. I want to be free of these huge feet. Another thing is running. I want to be able to run again. I want to feel my muscles move and work like they should. Like the best machine in the world.
I finally finished this post!
This picture is of my tummy full of tiny girls. Everyone is always so surprised that it isn't bigger.
I have a towel around my neck because it was 90 degrees outside. I look like a pregnant boxer.
I have to say that I was a little nervous about going to our baby shower. I am not fond of being the center of attention. To this, I can hear Jeff laughing. Ok, I am not fond of being the center of attention in that kind of setting, with that many people for a "normal" event, like a baby shower or a birthday or a wedding or something.
We had the shower outside at Allen Pond in Bowie where my parents live and there were about 50 people there. All family and friends. I got to see lots of people who I hardly ever see, which was rad. But then there was also some guilt about that because Jeff and I sorta live in this little pod here in the city. No matter. Everyone we know is excited about the fact that we are having twins, not to mention twin girls! And it showed in the volume of tiny pink clothes that we got.
No really, people were just so very generous. It was crazy. Here is a picture of Jeff and I dwarfed by presents. Some people went overboard, we would open a bag and literally pull out 5 or 6 sets of two outfits. Most of the time, they were "the same, but different" which made me happy. A few times they were identical, which Jeff and I have been pretty against. But seeing those little matching outfits, you can see how people would have a hard time avoiding doing it. We figured that a few matching outfits won't hurt the girls for the 0-3 months sizes. But after that, we will have a strict policy of individualizing them. I am sure they will want to dress alike at some point. Not sure how I will handle that, but we will see.
Besides clothes, we got all kinds of other things, including, a changing table, Snugli Front and Back Carriers, sleep sacks, bath towels and products, breast pump, monitors, diaper genie, toys, bouncy seats, gift cards, homemade blankets... the list goes on and on. :) Oh! and diapers! Diapers and wipes. I think we got at least 400 diapers, which by my count will last about a month with two babies. :)
This is a picture of Jeff and I opening the present from our friends, Lisa and Jonah. The people in the background are my brother and sister! I don't think we have had a picture of all of us together since I was 12 or something. Lisa and Jonah's card and presents were the only ones to make me cry all day! And I am pregnant, you'd think that I would have been crying all day long. I have known Lisa since like 8th grade and I am so happy that I still know her. She also brought a card from her mom and dad, which was also emotional for me. I spent so much time running around their house in high school. Thinking back, it is funny to think that that loud teenager is about to become a mother to two tiny girls. Not that I don't still act like a loud teenager most times, at least I did before I got pregnant. Being pregnant has calmed me a bit.
A lot of my extended family that came to the shower hadn't seen me since I lost 70 pounds and got pregnant and gained 50 back. That is a long time! So, many people were very surprised when they saw me. My cousin, Machelle, said the best thing... "You must have lost A LOT of weight." That made me happy.
Sorry this post is so jumbled. The whole day was a little overwhelming. I think we got a taste of what birthday parties or other events held in Rachel and Anya's honor will be like. And I am not sure if I want the girls to get that many gifts and or attention when they are little. I don't want to raise spoiled children. But then again, people love twins, so I think it will be a delicate balance.
The whole day happened because my parents set it up and worked really hard in the heat to make it nice for us. Here is a picture of them and Jeff and I at the end of the day, all very over-heated.
All of the presents barely fit in our car. I wish I had a picture of that. All the men started walking the presents to the car and looked like a line of ants marching with breadcrumbs. I say the whole day was overwhelming. But it was also a little surreal. Jeff and I are not baby shower people. We are not family gathering people. We are, let's go to the movies on Xmas people. And to be the center of something like that was strange for us. And to see how generous people were was just, well, overwhelming. I think it taught us that we need to spend more time being family gathering people, while still being art gallery/video game/going to the movies on Xmas people. I think with the tiny girls, it will be a delicate balance.
So this morning, we went in for the dreaded "re-evaluation". Weight was 5 pounds less than Wednesday thanks to the fact that I elevated those legs like crazy and got the fluid down. But my blood pressure was higher than Wednesday.
So off to "Labor and Delivery" we went! Eek! Then the only words our doctor said to us were, YOU ARE BEING ADMITTED, which was the only thing we didn't want to hear. Once in the hospital room, I met a very nice nurse named Gwen who explained to me that I was just being admitted for observation and if all was well, it would only take a few hours. I got a heartbeat monitor for each baby, a monitor for contractions and a blood pressure cuff for me. I barely noticed when she drew lots and lots of blood. What a good blood taker she was!
Then a medical student came in and asked me a million questions, which she was going to report to a resident.
Of the 5 or so blood pressure readings they did, one was a little high, while the others were completely fine. We heard the babies' heartbeats and kicks via machine for the whole 2 hours we were in there. And oh my! Rachel is the crazy mover and kicker, which we knew, but oh my! :) She just moved and moved and kicked and kicked. Sometimes Anya would respond to her, sometimes not. The sounds of the kicks on the fetal monitor reminded us of being in a submarine, not that either of us have ever been in one, but that is what it was like.
After all of my blood work and observing came back, the resident OB came to see me. She was young and female and sunny, the opposite of our very very serious Perinatologist(sp). She told me everything looked fine and was very very positive and not at all grave. Basically she told me what I know and that is that I am fine for now with very healthy and happy babies in there. I will continue to be monitored to make sure that I don't develop pre-eclampsia and I should continue to take it easy, working from home some, etc.
Here is what I learned. What resident doctors don't have in experience, they make up for in people skills. Our regular doctor made us believe I was being ADMITTED to the hospital for good, not just for a few hours or even a day. He was harsh and cold and didn't explain anything well at all. Give me a resident over that any day.
So, for now, I will be going to work a few days next week and working from home a few days. Then a week from now, I will see my doctor again and be re-evaluated. This time I won't worry about it because no matter what, everything will be ok!
And I can go to my baby shower tomorrow! whooho!!
So I haven't written in days because I am a little stressed out. Yesterday, our regular OB appointment did not go well. My doctor was irritable for reasons that didn't involve us, but probably involved the broken air conditioning in his offices. His bad attitude continued into our appointment when he saw my weight. Apparently I had gained 14 pounds in the past month, adding my grand total to 280. And this weight gain is of concern when it is added to my swollen legs, feet and hands. But frankly, in 90 degree weather, with my own apartment AC broken, I can imagine that swelling feet, hands and legs would make sense. And that at least 4 pounds of those 14 are indeed the fluid of the swelling.
Anyway. My doctor very rudely asked me why he shouldn't put me in the hospital! Um... because I feel fine and my blood pressure is fine. Anyway, even though I don't have any of the main symptoms of pre-eclampsia, my doctor is concerned about it. Which is fine, but it would have been nice for him to spend his time telling me what symptoms to look for next rather than spend his time threatening checking me into the hosiptal for weight gain and asking me how much salt I am eating.
I have to say that threatening someone like me with spending the next 8 weeks in the hospital because of weight gain is NOT the right thing to do. But of course he doesn't understand that I have been way fatter than this before and, hello, I AM PREGNANT WITH TWINS! I have gained about 55 pounds so far, which is about normal for this stage of a twin pregnancy. Anyway,
So, for now, I am stuck at home on "partial bedrest," which means that I can work from home and sit around worrying about what I am eating.
I have an appt tomorrow morning to get my weight and blood pressure checked. Then the doctor gets to re-evaluate me . Let's hope I look ok so that I can continue to stay home and go to my baby shower on Saturday. Because the idea of spending the next 8 weeks in the hospital is just devastating.
So, I would like to thank my doctor for making me feel like a ticking time bomb, when in fact minutes before the appointment, I felt fine.
In good news, both of my girls are pointing head down. :) hopefully there will be more good news tomorrow.
I just found the most rad baby clothes designer. Take a look:
http://www.focoloco.com/default.asp
I ordered this: I'm with the band Infant One-piece
The other cool thing this week has been that Crafty Bastards is happening again in DC! Whoohoo! It is the best arts and crafts sale that I have ever done and this year it will be less than two blocks from my house! And my tiny girls will be here and will most likely be able to go out into the world by then. Once again, it will be held on October 1. Check out the site if you want to apply to sell stuff. It is really a lot of fun: Crafty Bastards!
Now I just have to think of a new item to unveil that day!
Real blog blog later today. :)
There is loveliness in the loneliness of a nearly empty bus when you are running late to work. I can see my pink and blue sneakers in the big bus mirror and my feet swing swing to new words and sounds from Suki and I almost wonder how this rainy world could get better. And this is a repeat repeat of things I have said or thought before, but skinny boys are pretty and even more so when they have pink cheeks in June.
Yesterday, Jeff said, remember when we got off the plane in London at Heathrow and rather than leave with our luggage to begin our vacation, we just sat in the airport. We had only planned that far. Off the plane and now what? It didn't last long, maybe only 30 minutes, maybe less. But there we were, regrouping in this new environment. It is a good memory, one in which we both were feeling this slight fear of what to next. So we just sat there holding hands, sleepy after a night of no sleep on our first plane over the ocean. We talked about just going to sleep right there, we were so tired. Instead we got on the Tube, picking it over other options of getting to our hotel on a Monday morning at 7am. I remember exiting the Tube station, after picking one of 5 exits at random and looking up to see our hotel right there. And even though our room wasn't supposed to be ready until 2pm, I asked nicely and we got it right then and went right up and went to sleep. Not at all upset that the first few hours of our first vacation in another country would be spent sleeping. I remember how happy we were that we had made all the right choices without getting upset at each other the way people may do when they are stressed and tired. I think this is what it will be like when the tiny girls get here. We will look at each other and remember that morning in London when we were exhausted from no sleep and didn't have a clue what to do next and how if we work together, things usually are fine.
I know that bringing home two infants is nothing like going on vacation to London. :) And that comparing them might make me sound a little naive. But I just think all the years that Jeff and I have been together have made it so that we are able to face things with this sense of calm. But it only works together. I don't think either of us can get there without the other. It makes me wonder when reading the baby books... who are these men who have to be told that their wives need help with new babies? How do these men written about in these books function in their marriages? And who are these women who would think to have babies or even lives with people who aren't complete partners? I mean really? How do these people function in their separate pods in their separate lives, all the while pretending to be together? Jeff wonders these things too, because all of the books about fatherhood that he has read spend all this time reminding men that their wives need help with new babies. We are too modern. Him and I, I fear we are.
Oh my! 29 weeks already. I thought it was Monday and that I would be 29 weeks tomorrow. But here I am. 29 weeks. Weighed myself this morning, I have gained 48 pounds. Whoohoo! ;)
On Friday, we saw the girls again via sonogram. Both are growing very well, and are about the same weight. They are nearly 3 pounds each now. Rachel was head down, with her head right on my cervix. And Anya was across my tummy where she has always been. She must feel safe there. We saw Anya touching her nose (just like last time) and moving her arms around. And once again, Rachel was seen kicking up at her sister. One new thing this time around was that Anya's legs and arms are much longer than Rachel's. Not that Rachel's are small, just that Anya's are long. I am wondering if this is because Anya has more room to grow her long legs and arms, while Rachel doesn't, hence her kicking. Who knows. Perhaps the next time we go in there, they will be equal. Anya's legs and arms were measuring 31 weeks instead of 28, but it was enough for the sonogram tech to mention it.
We spent the whole weekend getting the apartment ready for the tiny girls. This included cleaning and getting rid of lots of crap. Doing all the laundry, including washing loads and loads of used baby clothes that I have been buying. We also moved almost every piece of furniture in the place to make room for the co-sleeper in the bedroom, bassinet and swings in the living room, etc. I feel so bad for Archie, though, because we moved the bed away from the window. Hopefully when we get a rocking chair, we will put it by the window and Archie will be able to sit at the window again. And of course it wasn't long before we found Archie in the co-sleeper itself. Poor guy. I hope we aren't ruining his life. If anything, he should be happy that I will be home with him all day for 3 months.
I kept getting really anxious all weekend about getting this all done. I wonder what chemicals work together to make this need to "nest" happen. While it seems good that I feel this way, I really hate the worrying that things won't be ready. It is weird, I started to feel tired and bloated and sleepy on Sunday when it looked like we might not be done over the weekend. But as soon as the co-sleeper was put together, I felt totally fine. All of the stress went away. Of course, we still need lots of things, like a changing table to store supplies (plus all the supplies), bouncy seats, and a glider/rocking chair and lots and lots of diapers, but I feel like I could bring babies home right now and the apartment would be ready. I mean, Jeff and I wouldn't be ready, but that is another story. :)
I have this one foot that is always completely swollen by dinner time. It never fails. The left foot. There might not be anything more ugly than a swollen foot. Perhaps two, but this one is just gross. I can't bare to look at it. But I have to elevate it to bring it back down and thus I am closer to it. I could be a freak in the circus with this foot. Is it just me, or do you think the circus is kinda trashy? Did you know that the Ringling Brothers circus will give you free tickets if you give birth to multiples? What on earth is that about? I remember going to the circus in 5th grade when they said they had a unicorn. Do you remember this? Or am I making it up? I am pretty sure I went and got a poster of the so-called "unicorn," which I am pretty sure was a poor little white horse with a horn implanted in its head. Anyway, the circus is kinda trashy because you can see animals is a zoo now or better yet on TV. I don't think I really believe in the zoo either, but that is another story. But besides the animals, the rest of the circus is kinda lame. No one likes clowns and if you want to see people jump around, you could always go to an ice show or something.
Anyway... that was a huge tangent.
This weekend, Jeff and I are promising each other to get the nest that is our tiny apartment ready for the tiny girls. We are going to do a full cleaning up, get rid of anything that we don't need and move all the furniture around to accommodate the co-sleeper and other tiny girl things. I will finish washing and sorting all of their clothes and hopefully be ready to bring in whatever other new devices we get at our upcoming baby shower.
Speaking of said baby shower. I have to say... first of all, I have never liked baby showers for two reasons. I don't like how the attention is all on the mother because she is the one with the big tummy. I think the attention should be equally on the father. Also, wouldn't it be nicer for the guests if the shower happened after the babies were born? I mean, there is no payoff, ya know? It is like going to the circus to see the unicorn and well, seeing a fat lady instead. Because of this, I think after a few months, when the tiny girls actually become interesting and aren't just sleeping and eating all the time, I will have a baby showing party. That way, anyone who wants to come and see my passengers can. Perhaps, admission will be one pack of diapers. Did you know that I might need 6000 diapers in the first year! And that at first we could go through 7 to 10 a day per tiny girl?! Insane. Anyway, baby showers should include the babies.
I am off to elevate my freakish foot. Tomorrow we get to see the tiny girls again. A report will follow.
Today, 28 weeks marks the beginning of the 7th month of pregnancy. The glory and "ease" of the 2nd trimester have been slowly fading for the past week or so as my tummy begins to stretch. I actually think that part has been easy for me so far because, well, I used to be really fat and my tummy had already been stretched once. But now! Well, now it is beginning to stretch beyond the former fat me. I am more than ever aware of the tiny girls inside of me. Not just the kicks and the grabs, but also heads and bums and flipping around. Sometimes I think about how if I only had one baby in there, it would seem like she had lots and lots of room because I sense that my girls have very separate living arrangements in there. Rachel lives in the bottom tummy and Anya in the top. I know this isn't true, it is just their arms and legs that I am feeling in those places.
I am becoming more and more aware of the fact that soon my life is going to change completely and forever. That I will be entering this Henry Darger/Yoshitomo Nara world of tiny girls with their tiny eyes and tiny hands. Tiny girls who will be happy and sad and a million other things. That in a way, I will be entering *their* world rather than the other way around. And that my role in their world at the very beginning will be that of milk maid. And with all things with my passengers, I never ever thought I would be happy about this or look forward to this. But here I am.
I have gained about 45 pounds and my legs, whose bones and knoby parts were recently unearthed have begun to resemble tree trunks. Quite literally. I can't say that I am happy about that, but I can say that I am not blaming anyone at all and that I look forward to the unearthing process to begin again in a few months. I doubt that I would be so forgiving if I didn't know that weight loss was and is possible.
The realities of childbirth are now clearer than ever with me. Thank you, childbirth class. Some advice, if you ever find yourself pregnant with multiples, do not go to a normal childbirthing class. You will feel left out. This past weekend, I not only took a childbirth class that lead me to believe that I would more than likely be having a c-section to get my passengers out, but I also met a Mennonite woman with 1 year old identical twins girls. She was their aunt and told me that their mother didn't know she was having twins until she gave birth to them. Makes sense, no sonograms for the Mennonites. No c-sections, I would imagine, either. So in the span of two days I saw the present and the past of twin births. And I have to say I am not all together ready for either. What I am ready for is to have two healthy babies, so I am working on thinking only about that.
My world is rainy and I have been eating peanut butter sandwiches for lunch. I started to add the smallest bit of Nutella to them today, but don't tell. It makes the sandwich taste like candy.
Our days have been filled lately with talking over and figuring out what our living arrangements will be when the girls get here. It has been slightly stressful in this housing market to even think of renting or buying a larger place. Last weekend we visited a co-op, which we thought was the answer, but sadly was not.
I don't know what it is like where you live, but a 2 bedroom apartment anywhere near us in this city is going for at least 350k. A house around the corner just sold for 600k.
Jeff and I have actually been very calm in our housing discussions, mainly I think because we know things will be ok no matter what because in less than 3 months we will have two tiny girls! The joy and craziness of that fact always overshadows trivial things like living in a one bedroom apartment with two tiny girls.
I have to say, though, that I starting to get more and more afraid of being left alone with said two tiny girls. Even though I am the oldest of three children, I have never cared for an infant. I have never thought of myself as the type of person who really likes babies. I hear some women talk about how all their lives they have wanted to be a mother and I cringe a little because I can't relate. The prospect of mothering two 4 year old girls or two 8 year old girls is much more appealling to me than two infants. I know this is something that I will get over as soon as they are here. But just as now when I feel bad that the girls have to live inside of me for so long, without being able to tell me what they need or how they feel. I am a little worried that they will have only me all day long to care for them. I am not really worried for myself, but more for them. I often see a mother holding one baby close to comfort it and I feel bad that I won't be able to do that for both of mine at once.
Sunday is our all day childbirth class. I am not looking forward to it. First of all, it is going to be geared towards women who are pregnant with one baby, I am sure. Perhaps there will be a little section of the day about birthing multiples, but I know I will feel left out of the day and slightly irrirated by all the singleton mom's with their choices and birth plans. I know I still have some choices that I can make as a woman pregnant with twins, but I also have to be prepared for them to be limited when it comes to birth. I have to say, I am also a little creeped out by being in a room full of pregnant women. I don't know why, I just am. Maybe I am wrong and it will be a very good day spent and I will learn lots. Before I got pregnant, I read all of these books about the natural childbirth movement, all of these anti-hospital books. Being pregnant with twins made my normal ObGyn practice drop me because I am considered "hi-risk", so the whole midwife center and natural childbirth thing is basically out for me. In some ways, this makes me sad. But moreso, I am a bit relieved. I am glad that my concern over having to give birth to two, not one healthly baby is making me give up the notion of some sort of special wonderful earthy birth experience. While I am not going to just give myself over to the c-section knife, I do know that it is ok for me to not worry so much about beating the system that is the over-medicalization (if that is a word) of modern childbirth. We will see how I feel about this after my birth experience, of course.
At least I know that if Sunday doesn't teach me anything useful, I already know how to get past fear and how to not fear fear. I think this will be what gets me through childbirth. My ability to stay calm and ride the rollercoaster know that things are never really as bad as you think they will be.
This post has been a bit of a downer. Sorry! I am now in the sixth month of pregnancy. I could possibly have two tiny girls in my life in as little as 10 weeks. The time is passing way too quickly and yet not fast enough. It is getting harder to sleep and walk around, but it could be and will get worse. Everyday the girls wage a great battle or have a rockin dance party in my tummy. I am reading books about parenting now, rather than pregnancy. I see mothers in stores or places yelling at their children and I want to ask them, don't you remember where they came from? Don't you remember how they got here? You would think that pregnancy and childbirth would be enough to make all mothers cherish and respect their children. But it doesn't and that makes me sad.
When discussing the type of parent I wanted to be with friends and family before I got pregnant, I would often mention that I didn't want to tell my kids what to do. I wanted to be an easy-going mom. To this I would hear that I would really just end up a pushover. I think I have finally figured this one out, though. Jeff and i have been discussing parenting a lot lately and what we really want to do is respect our children. And in respecting them, not try to control them or punish/bribe them into some arbitrary obedence. To me, there is nothing worse than a mom who says do this because I say so. Or a dad who uses fear to control a child. Nowadays it is almost as if as long a person doesn't hit their child, they think they are a good parent. But Jeff and I are really thinking a lot about how we would like to try to use discussion and reason with our girls rather than methods of control.
And these are the things that have been swim swim swimming in my head while two little girls swim in my tummy. Next week, we will see them again and measure them and see if they are growing as they should. I feel that I am. Growing as I should, in many ways. Let's hope they are doing their part as well.
Today, I feel as if I am at the top of the rollercoaster. About to be traveling faster than I knew possible. The point at which you realize that you are completely out of control of the ride and the end is going to get here too fast.
Of course I mean this in regard to my passengers. Tomorrow I will be 26 weeks pregnant! And knowing that 37 weeks is often considered "full-term" for twins means that I will more than likely have two babies in 10 weeks or so. That means that I could have babies in the month of July. I don't know what I was thinking, but I really thought I wouldn't have to start worrying about giving birth until August 1st. What was I thinking? Now I am on the speeding train, the top of the rollercoaster. Now I am holding on for the trip down. And there is this mixture of fear and excitement and my own flavor of love for both.
I look around our little apartment and think there is no way we are going to be ready in time. I think this is called "nesting." :) Well, my nest is tiny and cluttered and not ready!
Today I felt a new sensation along with kicks, tiny fingers are now grabbing at me from the inside. They are kneeding me like dough.
A few nights ago, I dreamt that my parents' cat died. She was attacked by a big dog and broke her leg. Then she just floated away, like a flying cat. Yesterday, my parents' dog, Tipsy, who was 18 fell down the stairs and injured her spine. So the dog died, not the cat. Tipsy was 18 years old and very ill, so while it is sad, she wasn't going to make it much longer anyway. I just wish she didn't have to be in so much pain at the very end.
I keep thinking about the Thames. About the walk between Big Ben and the London Eye. We went there so many times on vacation, that when I think about it, it is as if I am thinking of a place where I used to live. I am not actively thinking of this place, but it just keeps popping into my head. I want to get on a bus and go there all the time. It is so hard to have a favorite place that lives so far away. Why is it that the earth has to be so big?
Sometimes, I wonder if the girls can see my thoughts. Sometimes, I wonder if they dream my dreams. It would make sense if they could. I guess it would mean that thoughts and dreams could travel in your blood stream.
I want to send them my love of the Thames. I want them to understand this feeling that I can't quite understand myself. This love of a cold and rainy place where I spent the very first days of their creation.
I read a post on a parent's board asking how someone could teach their 18 month old to apologize for biting someone. Now, I am not in the trenches of parenthood yet, but to me that sounded like a silly thing to worry about. My big question right now is, how can I get my girls to understand a love of a certain place and time. Not as practical as apologizing for biting, I know. ;)
Every morning I wake up bigger. Rounder. This morning, I had brand new pearly white stretch marks on my top tummy. First ever stretch marks there. I wonder when they will turn red. I ran out of the bathroom to show Jeff, like I was showing him a new tooth or something lovely and fun. It must be sad to be a normal woman who finds these things gross, to think that any side-effects of making babies is ugly. After showing them to Jeff, I thought, these will never go away, wow, weird.
I am like a growing pumpkin. I wonder if a pumpkin farmer can see the increased size of his pumpkins every morning like I can? I need to me measuring my tummy. But I fear that I didn't start soon enough with the measuring and now it would be meaningless. Perhaps I am wrong.
I am a growing pumpkin. Full of little girls. A pumpkin full of girls.
That pumpkin line reminded me that the day that I got pregnant (you can actually scroll down to it! November 23rd), I wrote that I felt like the captain of a great ship. That I was ice and clouds. I took the captain line with me into the first trimester, like a little badge. I was the captain of a great ship with two passengers.
Funny how things change so fast. Now I am a pumpkin full of little girls.
We had a sonogram on Friday and the girls are getting so big! Rachel weighs 1 pound and 7 ounces. Anya weighs 1 pound and 9 ounces. At 24 weeks, babies should weigh 1 lb 7 oz. So, my girls are right on track! I am growing two babies! :)
We saw Anya sucking, moving her little lips and touching her nose. Speaking of noses, Anya very clearly has her dad's nose (second picture). There was no mistaking it in profile. :) While Anya was in profile, Rachel was looking straight at us, which was a little scary (3rd picture).
Last Monday, I weighed in at 261. This morning, 259. Hmm. So I am 6 months pregnant and I lost 2 pounds last week. And believe me I am eating and eating and eating! These babies must be using more resources than I think they are. What makes it so hard is that I don't think I have been actually hungry for weeks. I eat all day long. Perhaps it is that I am eating healthy. I have no idea. So far today, I have had a 3 egg and cheddar omelet, an ice cream sandwich, a pound of strawberries, 2 cups of Cheerios and a pint of blackberries. Plus lots of water. And it is only 11:52. How on earth will I eat lunch in an hour? I have no idea.
Jeff has been learning to cook and has been cooking huge amounts of food for me every night for dinner. BBQ chicken and fresh brocolli and steaks and baked sweet potatos. All kinds of stuff. And I nearly have to force myself to eat it all. In the middle of a huge taco dinner out last week, I said that I can't wait until I starve myself again. Of course, that isn't what I used to do, I was being funny. But really, I am so sick of eating this much food. I am beginning to not enjoy food again, like the taste of it or the action of eating. I remember when I was losing weight and I would have killed for an ice cream sandwich. Haha.
Anyway, my complicated relationship with food is ever-changing. I have gained 32 pounds in 24 weeks and I am ok with that. It is just the actual eating that is bothering me right now. I have to say that when I saw the 2 pound loss on the scale, I worried that something mystically took the babies out of my tummy and that is what the two pounds gone was. Crazy pregnant girl. Jeff says I've watched too much Buffy and Angel.
I have to say that I feel like a bit of a fraud because I haven't been writing about the emotional rollercoaster these hormones are putting me through. I tend to write only when I am happy and thus you must think I am this crazy happy girl. But the truth is, this past month has been hard. I think that since I have felt better physically, I have started to worry and worry and worry about all sorts of things. My mood swings have been a little out of control and poor Jeff has had to deal with it. I wish I knew how much of this is being pregnant and how of this is being 5 months off of Prozac. I wish. I wish. I wish I knew. No matter. I suppose I will find out when the girls get here.
We get to see the girls again on Friday, via high resolution ultrasound. I can't wait to see how much they weigh now and how big they are. I can't wait to see that they are growing at the correct rate. I think it will help to encourage me to continue the big eating.
So it has finally dawned on me that our tiny 1 bedroom apartment in DC is not going to be big enough for two babies AND Jeff and I. I think I had been kidding myself when people asked me about this. I would say, "oh, we will be ok for a year or so." Now my thinking is that we will be ok for 3 months or so and that it will be extremely cramped with all of the baby stuff that I am sure we will "need?".
So... the idea of moving is now in my head. And my nesting urges are taking over and I am feeling completely crazy about making sure we are ready for these babies. And if you saw our apartment, you would know that we are nowhere near ready.
Nearing the 6th month of pregnancy, my reading and worries have switched from the actual pregnancy to what happens when the babies get here. Breastfeeding being one of the biggests topics and of course the whole having enough room thing. As if she were reading my mind today, my street grandma, Lydia, asked if we had a place to live. This 73 year old panhandling woman is worried about my living situation. It is touching and yet, strange.
Last night, Jeff read a passage from a book outloud to me and the girls starting kicking away. We weren't sure if they were reacting to his voice, but just in case, he started reading to them. He is reading "The Golden Compass" by Philip Pullman to them. All through the first chapter, they kicked and kicked to his voice. I do hope it was in reaction to his voice and not something that I ate. :)
I have started to think about seeing them interact with one another... with one child, parents just think about the relationship they will have with the baby. But, I have started to think about how wonderful it will be to hear one girl call the other by her name or see them playing together. I don't know why, but I really can't wait for those moments.
Jeff got to feel his first kick this week, after weeks of touching my tummy and waiting. As well as weeks of me telling them to kick for Daddy. He was so excited and surprised.
I have been spending more time talking to them now that I know they are big enough to actually hear me. Before I was just talking to them in my head, not out loud as much. The other day, I told them about the trees. About how wonderful trees are. And how when the blossoms fall off of them, it looks like pink snow. I told them about the sun, both the joys and the dangers. :) I told them about Archie and about their Dad. I have to say, though, I find this out loud talking to them a little difficult. I address them as "girls" or "babies" but both are problematic because it is not an individual thing. I don't want to get used to calling them "girls" because I don't want their gender to be the first thing that identifies them. And i don't want to use a plural because they are single beings. I use their names a little, but I don't want to just address one at a time for fear that someone will feel left out. And passengers is something we call them when not addressing them directly because it is, well, just too formal.
This made me think: "We prefer Telepathy". A phrase that I was writing on my art for months last year. Looking back, a lot of the phrases that I used on my art were quite prophetic. First, the use of the word WE. As if I knew I would be this collective at some point. Of course, We prefer Telepathy. I never knew what it meant until now. Another one, "We are all pretty girls". And the biggest one is what I started writing on shirts and skirts more than a year ago: "I will have an army of clones. We will be so charming". Oh my. How strange is that? How on target is that?
Our doctor's appt yesterday seemed like little more than a formality. This is a good thing, I think. My blood pressure is normal, which is just crazy because I am overweight and pregnant with twins, walking around with a normal blood pressure. Weight gain is good and the passengers are happy. They are currently both breech. We saw their little heads side by side on the sonogram. They looked like they were conspiring, forming an alliance if you will. I am in the cake time of pregnancy right now. Let's hope I stay here a while.
Last night I nightmared that I gave birth to the passengers and they looked like they look on the ultrasound, see-through and flat. I forgot their names and kept checking for their heartbeats. Breastfeeding them made them turn into less flat versions of themselves, but then they looked like baby birds when they first hatch. All veiny and purple and gross. And there was something about the ocean and being sweep up by waves.
Getting a slurpee at the 7-11 this weekend, the man that worked there didn't have the best English language skills. While checking out my boobs, he said, "You like slurpees? Is that why you are fat?" I should have been offended by this. Any normal person would have. I said, "No. I am fat because I am pregnant with twins. Before getting pregnant with twins, I lost 70 pounds. And now, I am fat again." To this he said, "I am so sorry." Which just made me laugh and laugh. Then he pointed to my wedding ring and said, "Oh I see now." It was so funny because this whole conversation went on as if he were flirting with me. I wonder if it is ok to call a woman fat in his culture? If that is a compliment. He was lucky he said it to me and not someone who would have been offended.
Speaking of weight. I have now gained 30 pounds since getting pregnant. I am weighing in at 257 and am fine with it. 22 weeks, 30 pounds. If I can get through these next 15 weeks or so gaining only a pound a week, I will be happy. It is weird. Since I lost 70 pounds before, anything less than that gained in a twin pregnancy is fine with me. My tummy is finally starting to get a little round... while some pregnant women get this little perfect round thing, I have seem to be growing a full square in the middle of my body. I remember how it was so cool to unearth my bones when losing the weight. Like an archaeologist digging for ancient history. Now, I am losing the bones again, under hard mounds of placenta and babies. I tried to find my pelvic bones yesterday, an amazing find some months ago, now hidden deep within me again. I wonder when I will see them again, if I will see them again. And I giggle at worrying over it. So far, pregnancy has only effected my middle, though. My neck and cheek bones are still on display. No matter what, I find it all utterly fascinating and wouldn't change a minute of it.
On Monday a great battle began in my tummy. It was as if someone flipped a switch and said to the passengers, "go!" Because now I am feeling little feet and hands, kicking and hitting me right under my belly button all the time. It usually starts at around 10:30, about 2 hours after I eat breakfast. I will feel one little jab and then two more and then one more. The first time it happened, it had this pattern to it that it made me laugh out loud. It was as if they were telling me a joke.
Today, it happened 2 hours or so after every meal. Weird. Before, I felt them as little flutters or more like swimming fish. But now, I feel the jabs of tiny hands and feet. And it always makes me laugh.
After days of stormy storms that I thought would never end, I woke up to the loveliest sun and warmth. I remember when I was really really fat and unhappy, I used to grumble at such a perfect spring day, worried that it just meant summer would be here soon. And summer is the enemy of the fat girl. But this morning, I have kicking babies in my tummy and I am wearing orange and blue and my hair is a wild mess of pink and I feel like it is the beginning of a movie that will have no conflict. And I can't wait for summer now. Sure, my ankles will be swollen and I will be huge and girthy, but it will mean that we are closer to having the girls here.
This morning I had the happiest, prettiest bus driver in the world. She made me want to ride the bus all day. Instead, I make the most of my 10 minute ride by sitting back and letting my feet dangle. I listen to Heavenly on shuffle and Amelia Fletcher's voice reminds of other places and times and she is snarky and silly and I love it. I pretend my bus is a Ferris Wheel and I wonder when the next time I will get to ride a Ferris Wheel will be.
Jeff and I have been doing a lot of shopping for clothes now that we know who the passengers are. He always picks out the pinkest and girliest things now, which is so funny. I am the one who searches through the second hand store for all of the Halloween clothes. Onies with ghosts and happy skeletons and cats dressed as witches. I can't wait to see which child likes which style better. I have to say, it is hard for me to not buy two of everything. Old Navy has a baby shirt that says "We Love the Sea" and it was so hard to just buy one of them. So instead of two of the same, we are buying two similar things. At the second hand store, I was so lucky to find two little size 24 month dresses that were the same size and shape, but different colors. One is blue with a whale on it and one is orange with oranges on it. Blue and orange. In an effort for the girls to feel like individuals, we are making sure each has her own clothes. This means, after every shopping trip, I bring out all of the new/used purchases, divide them by size and then start marking the tag with either an 'A' or an 'R'. I know they won't care about having their own clothes when they are newborns, but it is good to start early. Some of the used stuff I bought must have come from a set of twins as well, since they were all marked with an 'H' and and 'J'. With twins, I feel like I will be buying and getting rid of children's clothes for the rest of my life. As with everything with this whole experience, I didn't realize Jeff and I would enjoy it so much. He said the most lovely thing the other morning. He said, "I am so excited for the girls." I said why? He said, "Because soon they get to be alive."
Yes, alive. In blue and orange.
Anya and Rachel
Jeff named one (Rachel) and I named one (Anya). Middle names to come at the time of their birth. I have been hearing that Anya is too weird and Rachel is too normal. I think that is actually the point of pairing them together.
Girls! The passengers are girls. Indenitical girls.
I would have written earlier, but the hour long sonogram took it out of me and I came home and went straight to sleep.
Yes, the sonogram was literally an hour long. Twin B is now 12 oz and her little sister, Twin A is slightly smaller at 11 oz. But we learned way more than their weights. The amount of activity going on in there was just amazing. While trying to find the gender of Twin B, her sister kept kicking her and getting her legs in the way. Then, TWIN A completely flipped around and then kinda just chilled out. Twin B's arms flapped around and wiggled a bunch and we even saw her face. Seeing them interacting so much with each other and moving around so much makes me wonder about how much is going in their brains. How much do they think right now? Are they aware of each other? Do they dream? And if so, what do they dream of?
I knew all along that my passengers were girls. They told me at 10 weeks and I have dreamt that they were girls many many times. And once again, I am reminded to trust myself and them.
********************************
The prints that I had made of one of my pieces arrived yesterday. And I was totally blown away at how lovely they are. The image on the art page totally doesn't do them justice, maybe I will have to take a picture of the one I just hung on my office wall when I get a chance.
If anyone is interested in this one, I might also start making prints of some of my other pieces. We will see. For now, you can buy prints of "We Prefer Telepathy" on the art page.
Today we go to see the passengers again and hopefully will know by this evening what their names will be.
I have been having an emotionally bad day. 20 weeks pregnant. Half way there for a normal pregnancy, a little over half for a twin pregnancy. But let's just say half. Pregnancy is pretty easy right now, still tired and a little bit of muscle pain, but other than that the physical stuff isn't so bad.
Emotionally, though, I am just feeling down. And I hate this because I know better. I wonder if this is just hormones or if it is hormones mixed with being off of the prozac for nearly 3 months now. I just feel like all I can do now is wait. Wait and wait and wait. And while I wait, I can feel guilty about every food choice I make or don't make. Guilty that I am not eating enough vegetables, guilty that I am eating too much fruit, guilty that I am not eating enough in general or drinking enough water. Ugh. Guilt is crap.
Jeff's mom Tivo-ed a bunch of episodes of TLC's "A Baby Story" for us and we watched them this weekend. It seemed like hours and hours of them. The first one showed a mom of two giving birth vaginally to a set of twins. I got so upset because the women just screamed and freaked out and I was thinking that she had already done this twice! She should have been way better at it and way more calm. Then there were two other first time moms who did just fine and were really calm and strong. I wonder how much of these shows was editing. The c-sections really upset me. All of the doctors seem to act like it is so easy. So fast! But I just kept feeling like the women would end up with emotional problems based on their inabilty to do their job. Then there is the whole, does the husband stay with the wife after the c-section or follow the babies to the nursery. What a terrible decision to have to make. Jeff and I talked about it and he said he would stay with me until he knew that I was ok. Which is so lovely, but then makes me sad for the babies. What a mess.
Then there was all this extended family bonding on these shows. People who invited their whole families over the day they came home from the hospital, people who had these huge extended families passing around babies like some sort of communial food or something. Watching 20 people kiss a new baby made me feel sick, thinking of all the germs these people must have brought with them.
There just seems to be this lack of privacy in these shows, and I don't just mean the cameras. One mom who had a c-section was very upset to come home to 5 people all watching her feed the baby on her first day home. I felt for her, but she should have known better. I don't know. I just find that with new babies, everyone is so eager to see, touch, hold the new baby, that the mom gets lost in the mix. If that is selfish of me to say, then I am selfish.
I have never been one to understand the cult of babies. And I kinda think that will make me a better mom somehow. Sure, I am fully entrenched in this new world, but I don't understand it yet. Jeff and I always always thought about having "kids" not babies and I still wish this whole birth and first months were optional. Part of it might be my own fears of being able to take a back seat to the passengers. Of being able to accept help from people, which with twins I will have to do. I have all of these fears and with them, guilt is never far.
Watching all of these episodes of "A Baby Story" made me realize how little I know about being a "normal" woman, or being a "normal" American, whatever that is. That land they edit together for that show is a strange land to me. And I can't begin to put my finger on how or why.
Perhaps it is partly the privacy issue, or my inability to feel this sort of "group joy." When Jeff and I got married, we did so at the courthouse, not wanting a huge wedding where we were to play the roles of loving and lovely. I didn't want anyone there with us, but our parents ended up there somehow. I know a lot of my feelings about that were because I was severely depressed at the time. I know Jeff is the same way about these things as I am, but I know his is more about being an only child. I wonder where mine comes from. My avoidance of group joy. And isn't it terribly ironic that someone like me who blogs and records her entire life would feel this way? It is ok for me to share with you, whoever you are, but when it comes to people I should share joy with, I close myself off. I am so cynical about weddings and baby showers to the point that I rarely attend them. Perhaps it is that real moments of joy, pure joy, come so rare when they are planned, ya know? Perhaps it isn't about group joy, but planned joy. And real, unplanned joy isn't always so cleanly felt. Like the day we found out that we were having twins. I remember that day as this pure joy, but along with it came this pure fear and dread.
I might be rambling here. I am just really trying to work out my current feelings. I know that tomorrow, the sun will shine and I will be this crazy force of joy again. I will be one day closer to knowing who my babies are and all of this will sound so silly.
The pink hair caused a big ruckus while I was getting my lunch today. I would imagine it is because it is all out and big today and not put back in panda ears. It made me think about the benefits of not being so visibly loud. This made me think of what kind of long term affects my pink hair have on people? haha. No, seriously. I worry sometimes that I negatively impact little kids with it. I always here little girls telling their moms, "I want pink/blue/purple hair," as I walk by. I wonder how often my whimsy causes a mom to say "no" to her daughter.
Ah, and I always move back to motherhood. Last night, I had a bit of explosion of emotions. I think that being pregnant with twins has made me ignore my worries about becoming a mother in general. I am so wrapped up in the whole twin thing, that my old phobias about motherhood have been stuffed away. So, last night, I saw this Cingular wireless commerical, where a set of super cool in that O.C. way male triplets all come home from college for their mother's birthday. I reacted to this commerical in such a crazy way. It sent me to the bedroom in angry tears. I told Jeff about the commerical and about how those guys totally don't love their mother. They love beer and skiing and whatever cool O.C. boys love. And that I wondered what the whole point of this was since no one I knew really loved their mother. This was just totally out there and Jeff let me know it.
I guess I just worry that no matter what I do, at some point, my kids will feel like I harmed them somehow. Like I loved them too much or not enough or who even knows. Everyone is messed up somehow and it seems more than ever, people blame it on their parents. Maybe deep down, I have this fear of being rejected by my kids; even though I know it is a natural part of growing up.
I am sure all new moms worry about these things. I know I am not the first. And once again I think about how lucky I am that so many of the real worries of pregnancy are voided for me by modern medicine and life. That I can afford these emotional concerns. I wonder what the top concern of my greatgrandma who had 22 kids was. I am sure it wasn't being rejected by her children or not being loved. I'm sure it was food and clothes and losing her little ones to illness.
I am lucky. I am a fortunate panda. I am golden. I need to remember these things.
I swear that my nose has gotten wider since I got pregnant. The books didn't tell me that could happen. Maybe it is the added 25 pounds. Maybe I am slightly batty.
Here is a picture of my newest hair color, Atomic Pink! plus brown roots too. I am noticing that the brown hair that is growing back in has actually lost my original hair color. My hair used to be kinda auburn, now it is just blah. Oh well. Guess that just means that after the babies are born, I will have to bleach it away and go all pink or perhaps lime green! Lime green! I just noticed that I am wearing a polo shirt in this picture. Pregnancy makes us do silly things. I also noticed that my shirt and sweater match my website colors. How on earth do I do that?
They wiggle like jello.
We saw the passengers again yesterday. They are now both transverse or long ways across my tummy. One on top of the other. Twin B is right under my belly button now. And they inch higher and higher everyday, it seems.
We saw their heartbeats and their arms and legs wiggling in their. They are starting to look more like real people now, the size and shape of their heads compared to their bodies. The sonogram was brief with the promise that two weeks from now, a high resolution sonogram will tell us the gender of the babies.
We also got some good news from my blood work. First no gestational diabetes for now. Also, the Quad test came back negative. It tests for the posibility of 4 different neurological disorders in the babies, including Downs Syndrome. We were so happy to see the negative results because women carrying twins offen will get a false positive result and have to undergo further tests to rule out these disorders in the babies. So, my blood is good and happy. My passengers are also good and happy.
We did a new podcast, but it is having some technical difficulties. It should be posted tonight.
New podcast has been posted.
Seamonsters Restaurant Fuel Podcast #2 -- 3/6/05 -- 25 minutes long!
I tried my italk this morning, but the street was too too loud. I will have to try it again on the inside world. I talked a little about how when you are pregnant, you get so used to being 16 weeks pregnant, but that doesn't last long at all and before you know it (tomorrow) you have to get used to being 17 weeks pregnant and it moves so so fast. Like a rollercoaster once you get over the first hill. Today, my world is so lovely. All warm and breezes. It makes me want to ride a rollercoaster. It makes me want to see the place past fear. The excitement of it.
[recording podcast segment about this... see future broadcast for more]
I am rediscovering my favorite things. The joys of the second trimester are not only that I am not throwing up in anyone's garden, but also that I can enjoy myself and everything I loved before I got pregnant. Like: music and the breeze and colors. Before last week, all of those things were kind of sickly because I was sickly. But now, I feel like the world is alive and I can enjoy it again. I put Suki on shuffle and she reminds me of all of my old friends. Maritime and Miss Kitten and anything else by Davey (The Promise Ring). It makes me want to name all of my babies Davey. [who the hell is Davey, anyway? http://www.maritimesongs.com]
These past few months made me think there was no way that I could enjoy pregnancy. But here I am singing it's praises like a silly convert. I wonder if biologically, this happy time happens so that women don't hurt themselves. I wasn't sure I could take another day of being dizzy and pukey. Now I walk around with my hand on my back or tummy and I am a huge cliche. And it is ok.
i am amazed by my own level of clever. ::::::i said this to someone today, "we are complicated men, you and i." for some reason it made me laugh big big.::::::
It is 10:47 and I can't sleep. I suppose this is because I slept from the time I got home today until 8pm. Now I fear I will be up all night. It was a hard sleep. A dreamless sleep. Something I needed.
I had a disappointing day. We didn't find out what the passengers are and we were very angry at first, but now just kinda blah.
For now, the identity of my passengers is stil a mystery to me. And in some ways it isn't. It is a weird place to be. To want to know someone so much. And yet already know them so well.
I was just sitting here at work, working very hard, wondering how long I would have to wait at the bus stop in this rainy snow when I felt this little jolt in the tummy.
I thought, what the hell is that? Um, how about the babies in there?
That is what the first few days of the second trimester have been like. I hardly feel pregnant. I am surprised when the babies move.
I suppose this is the calm before the storm.
Thursday afternoon we see the passengers again. And if they aren't too shy, we will finally find out their gender.
I have been thinking alot about how I would actually be a better mother to boys than girls. I feel like I have been raising or relating to boys my whole life. I have a very low tolerance for image associated self-confidence issues, too. Which I assume would be a bigger problem with girls than boys. I might be wrong, though. It is weird that I have a low tolerance for that kind of thing, but I do. I was never a fat girl who let it affect my relationships with people or who let what other people said about me hurt me. I don't know where my confidence came from, perhaps it is some sort of mental illness, haha. But I am not sure that I will be able to relate to little girls who worry about their appearance all the time. Perhaps that makes me a better future mom for girls, that it won't even be a question. My girls will know how rad they are and it won't ever be a problem.
We will see. At least I am thinking about all of these things. I might perhaps be the first one in the line of mothers before me to even think about these things (meaning my own mom, my grandma, my great grandma). Perhaps I am lucky that I can afford such worries.
12:43 pm and I don't want to eat. I mean, I am hungry. But I feel like I have exhausted all possible eating options. Over the past 15 weeks, I have eaten all the food in the world. I didn't think it would get this way again so fast after my day of fasting on Wednesday due to the stomach virus. But, here I am, two days later and I am once again sick sick sick of food.
I am sick of picking food and going to get food and then eating it.
I am sick of thinking of what food is right for me to eat and what food is wrong.
I am sick of feeling like I am making the wrong decisions.
I am sick of wondering what foods will stop the dizziness of pregnancy.
Sorry for being so negative. I just can't stand it anymore. I need a chef.
Other things. I want to put the babies clothes in their chest of drawers. I want to pick which clothes that I have will be for which baby. Is this nesting? I think it is.
Oh, weight. My stomach virus made me drop 5.5 pounds! I have already gained back 2. So I think my pregnancy weight gain is now at 15 pounds, rather than 18. I got all these compliments yesterday about how pretty I looked. I looked in the mirror and realized I really looked gaunt. The pretty was from the 5.5 pounds gone. So sad. This morning, I told Jeff that I gained 2 pounds back, expecting him to say "yeay!" Poor boy wasn't sure what to say since we had been so conditioned to boo weight gain in the past. We are all straight on it now. Fatter equals whoohoo!
I have been away. I have been far away in the land of the black cats and the sickies and the slightly melodramatic. :)
On my way home from work on Tuesday, I noticed that the collection of stray cats that lives next to my apartment had a new member. A small sleek black one. I saw it running into the bushes on my way to the door of the aparmtent. Oh frell, I thought. "I am not superstitious. I AM NOT," I whispered.
Then it all began. By dinner time, I knew I would be throwing up soon. By 1am, I was awake, throwing up blackberries. And this wasn't "morning sickness." This was the stomach virus that I didn't think i would get from my grandmother's nursing home. We had visited there on Sunday and couldn't see her because her entire ward was sick with a stomach virus. But I got it anyway. So I stayed home sick and talked to my OB nurse who assured me that the virus could not get to the babies and that I needed to drink as much water as possible. At around 10:30, my Jeff came home from work to take care of me. Less than an hour later, he stubbed his toe on a suitcase that I had left in the living room and then couldn't walk. So there we are, me with a stomach virus, him with at the very least a sprained toe (possibly even broken!).
I could see him from my perch in the bedroom, sitting on the couch not wanting to look at the poor toe. We laughed and laughed at our silly circumstances. I thought about how I loved him and how we are so ready to be parents. I thought about how I love that he wears his t-shirts small in a world wear most men wear them too big. I thought about how great it is that we can laugh the way we do.
He made his way into the bedroom, where Archie was very happy to have both of us hanging out in bed all day. Since Jeff couldn't walk and I didn't want to see him hopping about, I told him I would make him lunch. When taking it out of the oven, I promptly burned my arm. I now have a lovely quarter moon burn where my watch should be.
Hopefully today, I am back in the land of the lucky. I am drinking my water, worried that I will become dehydrated.
And it is crazy snowing outside and that makes me mad because I don't want to wear a hat.
Today I am 15 weeks pregnant. 15 weeks! I feel like the weeks are spiraling away from me and before I know it, I will have two children.
We bought our first huge box of diapers this weekend. It had 228 diapers in it. I read that one baby will go through 3000 diapers in the first year. So, double that and you get 6000. 228 down.
Jeff and I spent some time with my extended family this weekend, who I haven't seen since before I got pregnant. I was telling my Aunt Katrina about how the babies told me they were twins before the machines did and all the other mystical craziness I believe I can sense about them. And suddenly the room was completely silent, everyone stopped their conversations to listen to this. And I felt a little silly, like the only person in a room who believes in ghosts. I hope they don't think I am crazy.
dreaming i am one of them
I dreamt the other night that I was one of my twin girls as a young adult. She was at a future-y party and met a boy who had snowflake tattoos on his face. They were blue and were like tears. He was an architect. She was falling in love with this boy. It was cold outside and she was wearing two hats, one on top of the other. He asked her why and she said one was for her sister, who wasn't there yet. She told him that her sister liked parties even less than she did.
what's going on with the passengers this week
Their skin is very thin, and blood vessels can be seen underneath. The skin is covered with a fine, fuzzy hair called lanugo, which will not fall out until the passengers near full-term. Their hearts are now pumping about 25 quarts of blood per day.
and how much do i weight?
I didn't want to weigh myself this morning. I thought, oh who cares what I weigh. I was a little afraid to see 250 on the scale. I hauled the scale out from under the bathroom sink, thinking about how this scale used to be such a source of joy. I stepped on it, thinking, again, who cares who cares who cares. And there it was, the new number. 244. Same as last week! I am holding at 18 pounds gained since I got pregnant. Not bad at all, considering all I do is eat. I was actually disappointed that I hadn't gained the 1 pound that I should have gained last week, but I suppose I can make up for that. It sounds like I am very emotionally involved in this whole weight gain. But surprisingly I am not. I weigh myself more out of curiosity than anything else. I was thinking the other day that I can't wait to stop eating so much. That it is almost a burden to know that I can eat whatever I want, within reason. I think I learned to love the weight loss journey eating habits. The small amounts of food, the restrictions. I am having a hard time writing about this without it sounding like I have an eating disorder. Nothing could be further from the truth, actually. I think that I am finally a healthy person when it comes to food.
Being pregnant with twins is great because of the added prenatal care that I get. We will be getting sonograms and/or doctor's appointments every two weeks until at a further point when we will be getting them every week! Whoohoo! This is very exciting because we won't have to worry too much between appointments.
The passengers are now big enough to see through my tummy and not just with an internal scan. That makes sonograms so fast and easy. When we saw them yesterday, they weren't in different positions anymore, they were laying next to each other with their little heads in the same position. TWIN B is on top with TWIN A behind him or her. We got to see TWIN B's perfect little profile, with the tiny nose and mouth and eyes. S/he also waved its little arms around. I said, look it looks just like me. :) TWIN A was hiding and was harder to capture. But s/he is doing fine too. I am good at growing babies.
We didn't scan the pictures, though, because they are too light and I fear nothing will show up. Maybe I will talk Jeff into trying.
I told the doctor about my problems with being dizzy and tired and he is worried I may have gestational diabetes. So, I went down for the glucose test. We will know in 7 days. I am not worried. I don't have time to be worried. I am too busy growing babies.
Still no word on the gender. We will most likely know in two weeks when we have our next high resolution ultrasound.
I am 14 weeks pregnant and have gained 18 pounds. 18 pounds! I am a plumpling. Plump Plump Plump. I am starting to see and feel the new weight and I keep telling myself that it is ok. Ok Ok Ok. Eating has become a job that I have do to.
I asked Jeff to start talking to the passengers last night. We have been talking to them, but mostly just, HI BABIES! And I love you and stuff like that. So, last night, Jeff actually talked to them a bunch. Treating my lower tummy like a big soft microphone, he told the babies about social security. He also told them that they were democrats. He also told them about their grandparents and that their mommy was sometimes weird and silly. The soundtrack to this monologue was my intense laughter. They should be used to my laughter by now, because I am such a good laugher. But Jeff told them that sound was my laughing anyway, just in case.
I also talked to them a little, telling them we were happy they were two. Because Jeff and I have had some conversations about mourning the singleton that we thought we were going to have. That is totally normal by the way; most parents of twins have to mourn the idea of a single baby. I have been over that for some time now, and am glad. But I thought I would reassure them, anyway.
I wonder what today's topic for Jeff to talk to the passengers about will be? Prescription drugs? Ancient history ? The Buffyverse? I will have the smartest clones in the universe.
For this pink and blue haired pregnant girl, Washington, DC is like a tiny town.
Around every corner, I encounter people who I might not remember, but who know me and ask me how I am doing. I feel like I am living in Mayberry rather than a fast moving capitol city. The woman at the post office asks if I know what they are yet. I am taken off guard. A downtown direction-giver chases me down the street to ask me how I am feeling. A homeless man says, "hey blue, I haven't seen you in a while, when you gonna dye your hair a new color?"
Of course, this is all because I have been walking around town for over a year with a full head of blue or pink or green hair. And people wanna talk to me about it. And now that it is growing out, I have to tell them why I am not coloring it anymore which means I tell complete strangers that I am 3 months pregnant. This delights people. People love pregnant women. They all love to tell me how wonderful it will be for my kids to have such a cool mom. And I am stunned and touched by the ability of people to be so loving and sweet to someone they don't even know.
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On Saturday, Jeff and I met up with a set of 5 year old identical twin boys and their mom, Kristen. It was really interesting to spend time with the boys and see how while they were identical, they were very different. I never once couldn't tell them apart. They were charming and happy and wonderful kids. At one point, their mom told them to tell each other secrets, which resulted in them huddling together, all whispers. Brilliant! I put that one in my pocket for later.
Benn who likes and wears blue told us about how babies come out of your "'gina" and Dylan who likes and wears green liked to tell us who was who in the baby pictures that they brought with them. That was the second thing I learned. The kids will want to know who is who in baby pictures! I never would have even thought about it. Their mom really did a lot to quell my fears about giving birth and dealing with the first year. She also brought us all these books about twins, which Jeff and I are now reading through.
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I am now in full maternity clothes. Before I started to grow, I was horrified at having to wear them, but not now. It is such a relief to put on this huge flowy shirt. I feel so much better. Every night, twins girls continue to show up in my dreams. Last night, they were about 14 and one was goth and the other was dressed all vintage June Cleaver. The goth one was a happy goth who really secretly wanted to be her sister. The vintage one was very proper. Then I dreamed about two clear eggs with tiny full grown people in them. I cut the top off the eggs and pulled out these slimy people. Gross, but funny. It made me think about making gummy placentas with babies in them. I know, have a sick sense of humor.
This is what is going on with my passengers, thanks to ivillage:
:::Measuring in at about seven centimeters crown to rump, and weighing about two ounces, your baby-to-be (babies) will spend the rest of the pregnancy concentrating on growing and becoming strong enough to live outside the uterus. Your babys' intestines have now moved from outside the body to inside the abdomen. While your baby won't be saying "Mommy" for some time, vocal cords are now developing. Your fetus also has developed many reflexes and will squirm inside of you if your abdomen is prodded.:::
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It is official. I just bought all the food in the world. I have been battling dizziness for the past two weeks, so I am now trying to combat it with food, mostly protien. I just got back with my lunch which includes:
fruit smoothie with soy protien
roast beef sandwich with cheddar cheese and veggies
hard boiled egg
banana
apple
cheese and crackers
cashews
bagel with creamcheese
I just finished the sandwich and can't even think of eating anything else. But the goal is to finish it all by the end of the day. It was hard for this former fat girl to buy all of that food at once. It will be even harder to eat it all considering that during my weight loss journey, just months ago, I would have just eaten the egg and the fruit for lunch. What a change. Wish me luck.
Our visit with the passengers this week was fairly uneventful, mostly because the other two visits were so very eventful, I think. Visit one showed us there were two. Visit two showed us the precious membrane between them. The most exciting part of visit three was that we got to hear their heartbeats for the first time. Lovely, but not as emotional as the other two visits. As with last time, both babies are growing and seem happy. Twin A is still two days smaller than Twin B, which means that the egg split at two days if they are identical, which we still think they are. This is a good sign because problems start when one baby becomes markedly smaller than the other. Twin A was the star of the show this time, as s/he was in a better position for the camera. It is hard to see, but in the picture below, Twin A is the one on top and you are looking at a side view, with the head on the right and you see the spine. Twin B is looking at us straight on at the bottom of the picture. I think s/he moved so the face is blurred. Both babies were far more calm today than last time. I think it is because we weren't looking for the membrane between them, so they didn't have to jump around to show us anything like last time.
passengers at 12 weeks
Still no idea what they are. I thought we were going in for that crazy 3D ultrasound, but it was actually just high resolution. Oh well. Our doctor says in a few more weeks we will be able to see what they are.
I was just in a meeting at work and was asked when I thought I would be going on maternity leave. The date July 22 came to my mind immediately, even though my due date is Aug. 16th. It will be funny if they are born on July 22.
look at me shrink. now, look at me grow. look at me age. and the world moves around me.
My daily walks have turned into bus rides and I now love riding the bus. If i sit far enough back, I can make it so that my feet don't touch the floor of the bus and that is magical. Suki sings to me on shuffle from her little white and silver frame and I dangle my feet. Lalala. The whole ride, I am itchin to get off and walk the next block home or to work, just so I can move move move. And I do, like a race horse, I'm out the gate, surrounded by cold bus air and people and I love my world.
I have been thinking of the things that I want to teach my kids to love or do or appreciate. Here's my list so far: color, feeling their muscles work, jumping on the bed, making noise, laughing big and loud and deep and for real, animals (but specifically small details about animals, like a seal's teeth or a bird's feet or a dog's nose), calling old people dude (it always takes them off guard), weather (good and bad). Oh there is so much more.
Things I wanna teach my kids are bad and should be avoided: the circus, joining the military, organized religion, smoking, most mass market fiction, hunting, the lottery, the actress meryl streep. I am sure there is more, but those are the most important. But really, I don't want to be the kind of parent who ever tells their kids they can't do something. If my kids have some crazy idea, I want them to be able to see it through. No matter what it is (unless it is in the list above). Like if my girls become nuns who play the lottery and love meryl streep, I will be so disappointed. I am being funny, but I really don't like the selflessness of giving your life to God or your country. I don't want to raise selfish people, but I do want my children to love life enough to want to take it and make it theirs and enjoy it and live it. I know that in America, these are not popular views, but I can't curb how I feel about those things. END RANT. hehe.
My clones should be about 2-1/2 inches each now. My tummy is starting to grow. And I am in love with the world today. It moves all around me and inside of me and nothing could be better.
I have to stop worrying about things that I can't control. Well, we all have to, I am sure.
I have spent the past few days worrying about what will happen after my passengers get here. How we will take care of them, daycare, etc. I need to stop putting any any any energy into these things right now. Instead I need to put my energy into growing my passengers.
I also need to stop worrying about the possible problems they can have from being identical twins. One of which is TTTS, which is when one baby gets more fluid and nutrients than the other. What can I do about this until I actually see it on a sonogram? Only 15% of idenitical twins have this problem. And there is nothing I can do to prevent it. So I obviously have to stop worrying about it.
Since I became a healthy, non-depressed person, I have firmly believed that if you think things will be ok, that they will. That if you worry too much, you make bad things happen. I mean, sure, bad things happen no matter what... but I don't want my worrying to bring on bad things.
So, I now pledge to not worry. I need to be a happy ship. When did I change from the captain of a great ship to the ship itself? Weird. ;) So. I am a happy ship. My passengers are enjoying their stay. They still have a long journey. As do I.
I am 12 weeks pregnant today. Thursday I will see my passengers again. It will be the best view yet; a 3D sonogram. When I just typed that I felt one of those surges of happiness that I know doesn't come from me, but comes directly from them.
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thank you to sam in the UK for the amazing email this morning. all future parents should get so much support from people. i am a lucky captain.
:::on going off of my beloved prozac:::
I am finally feeling the loss of the prozac from my system. Yesterday I called some people I don't even know, "worms." Nice. I felt like the old old me. I also told Jeff that I hated someone. Happy prozac me would have never tolerated such. While I am very disappointed, at least I know why I am feeling these little surges of rage. And I guess it would be worse. I remember when it was. I guess as long as I can recognize it, I can fight it. Oh! But going off of prozac has made it so that I concentrate to read again!
:::new symptoms of pregnancy:::
Nearing week 12 of pregnancy, dizziness is the new nausia. I can't get up or sit down without the room spinning spinning spinning. And I am short of breath all the time. This is because being pregnant increases the blood in your body by 45%! I began last week to take the bus to and from work. It is easy in the afternoon, but the morning is crap. It is packed and people are mean and smelly. And I am not pregnant enough yet to beg a seat. It does make me way way less tired, though and that is good. Oh! Let me tell you about the stretch marks! I have always had them because of my weight gain and loss. But now I have really bad ones between my underarms and boobs. ANd they itch! I know, gross, sorry!
:::"and we forgot all the names/the names we used to know":::
Last night, Jeff and I went to the 9:30 club to see Jeff's favorite band, The Arcade Fire. After a few minutes there I noticed the lack of ciggy smoke. Then I noticed the No Smoking signs. Whoohoo! The 9:30 club is non smoking! Amazing. The second hand smoke was one thing that I worried about when going to see a band play while pregnant, now I didn't have to worry at all about that. It was an early show, but I was still tired, so we sat in the balcony. The opening act was this solo violinist who used a techie thing to record samples of his violin and play them back during the song, so that it sounded like a whole string section. He was Canadian and amazing. I will find his name... i think it was Owen and he played violin on the Arcade Fire record. As soon as the music started, the babies start hopping around in there. First Twin A who is usually the second to do anything, then Twin B. To this, Jeff said, "they like music" which made me cry because I am pregnant and emotional and newly off of prozac. hehe. This happened off and on all night long. One would start hopping around and then the other. Let's hope they weren't totally harmed by the loud music. The Arcade Fire are amazing, though... I love a band with violins and an accordian. They are a 7 piece and remind me of a post goth Belle and Sebastian. I mean, the songs sound nothing like B&S, but they tell stories and lovely ones at that. THe band has boys and girls and everyone passes around instruments. I say post goth because they all dress in black and suits and stuff... the record is called "Funeral". The main girl is Canadian and her stage presence reminded me of The Bride of Frankenstien in a silent movie. Amazing and enchanting. Gothy can be so lame, but these guys get it just right. They made me think about how all of the indie bands that I loved in the early 90's were really very bad. Haha. You can download mp3s from them at mergerecords.com. I was totally impressed and the show goes down in the list of my top 5 favorites, I think. And that is saying at lot as I think Jeff and I have been to at least 1000 live shows since we started dating. 1994 alone, i think we saw something like 234. It might have been 1995. Anyway, it is up there with the first time I saw Belle and Sebastian right after "If you are feeling sinister" came out, crazy. I am old. During the whole show, I was thinking... I so hope my kids wanna learn to play the drums. I so hope my kids aren't too normal.
:::what kind of mom do i wanna be:::
so i have been thinking alot about what kind of mom i wanna be. this is exciting. more on this later... but it is becoming a huge topic for me.
My dreams are filled with twins.
Last night, I dreamt that I was in line to sign up for school. A whole other story because I am constantly dreaming about school. Anyway, I was in line. And infront of me were two little girls. One was smaller and shorter than the other. Then off to the right was a third girl. The smaller of the two infront of me had pig tails, and her roots were blond while the rest of her hair was brown. I realized that the first two girls were friends, and the third was the little one's twin. The first twin looked at me and told me she liked my hair. Then I said, "tell your mom I like your hair!" She smiled and said, "you just told her, silly!" Funny.
The only thing upsetting about the dream was that one twin was so happy and full of energy while the other was off to the side and kind of sullen. Perhaps it is just how I saw the passengers in the sonogram the other day. Even the positions were correct. TWIN B on the left, TWIN A on the right. I wonder if the friend in the middle represented the membrane between them? Weird.
Dreams are rad. I can't wait to see if my dreams of girl twins mean something. I will laugh if we go in there at the next sonogram and see boy parts.
It was immediate. It really was. As soon as the transvaginal sonogram wand (fun terms) brought the passengers into view, we also saw it. The Membrane. There it was, clearly visible between the passengers. Twin B actually smacked its little head against it as if to say, '"see, i told you we had one." The new twins specialist then typed the word MEMBRANE on the screen and printed out an image of just that, as if it were some precious third baby who deserved a picture all to itself. We looked at our precious membrane for a few seconds until TWIN B caught our attention. TWIN B is a total spazz. Oh my. So much jumping around, arms flailing, legs kicking, head knocking into the membrane between them. I felt like I was watching someone moshing or something. This baby was like... whaaaaaa! Then on to TWIN A. TWIN A was much calmer, a few arm movements, but a definate heartbeat, so no worries.
So, new diagnosis is just normal monozygotic twins, or idenitcal twins. It is still early of course, but the fearful original diagnosis of crazy rare, no membrane between them twins is gone.
Oh and it appears that the egg split after two days of conception. Which means that our one egg became two passengers while we were at Stonehenge on vacation. Freaky, weird. Perhaps they will have super powers too. I look back at that picture that Jeff told of me there and think... wow, my body was doing the weirdest thing right then.
Next week we get one of those scary 3D sonograms just to make sure things are still ok and look for anything else strange. But for now, we are so happy. Our passengers have arms and legs and a membrane between them and one is calm and the other is a spazz.
And now I know that when they tell me something, that I need to listen. They have told me two things so far before the machines could. First that they were twins and second that they had a membrane between them. I have a direct line to them and I will not ever ignore it. I can't wait to see what they tell me next.
Oh... and no, we couldn't tell the gender yet. Maybe next week.
Tune in tomorrow for the new sonogram pictures... we don't have a scanner at home.
********************************************* and earlier today...
Weighed myself this morning. 237.5 pounds. So I have gained about 10 pounds since I got pregnant and about 13 pounds since before Thanksgiving and vacation. It is funny because as "they" say, it really is a different kind of weight. I don't see any of it in my face at all. I just see it in my tummy and my bum. Oh and the boobs are huge. And my wedding ring still fits on my pointer finger, up from the ring finger when i was my fattest. I love the word fattest! So the kind of weight gain that would have totally freaked me out and sent me into a rage before pregnancy isn't bothering me too much.
second post of the day:
my snow is huge. they are like snow feathers rather than flakes. i feel like i am in a snow globe or on the set of a bad christmas movie with fake snow falling. it isn't even falling. it is just sorta swirling and floating around, confused.
first post of the day:
I spent the weekend watching the snow fall. At the height of the storm, the flakes looked like they were trying to push their way in. They hit the wall of windows in our living room like tiny cold birds.
On Saturday, I got my records from the regular OBGYN in the mail. THis made me happy because i learned some more things about my passengers. I learned that on the day of the first sonogram they both had heartbeats. One was 164 bpm and one was 168 bpm. I also learned that they were nearly the same size, 2.0 cm and 1.9 cm, which means that the egg split very early on. The terms they used were, 2.0 cm crown to rump. I love the word rump.
Our first appointment with the perinatiologist... however you spell that is tomorrow. We also have a sonogram tomorrow. And I am a little worried that we will be able to see the gender. I kinda don't want to know yet. I mean, I do want to know... but it just seems too soon. But with all things with twins, everything happens too soon. My sister was marvelling at the fact that I am already almost 3 months pregnant. SHe was like... hmm. you prolly only have like 5 months left, or maybe 4! Since twins sometimes come early. I hope not, I hope I carry these guys full term.
What else? I am starting to feel much much better. I don't even have to wear the seasickness wrist bands anymore.
I made 20 tshirts this weekend that say, ::I like my boobs:: haha. I made them for a craft show that is being put on for a staging of the Vagina Monologues in WV. See the website: http://vdayshepherdstown.org/. I will put up whatever I don't sell after the show.
I will have more tales of my passengers after tomorrow. Wish me luck, although I think I enjoy sonograms too much.
Well. I want to say that yesterday was a bad day, but as with most bad days, in the end, it was fine. So my theory that anything that doesn't kill ya makes you stronger is indeed true.
First, we woke up to see that our dog, Archie was bleeding from his penis! UGh! Poor guy. This wasn't a huge shock because Jeff had seen blood in his urine the night before, but still. So we went straight to the vet and were told that it was one of 3 things. URinary infections, bladder stones or the dreaded prostate cancer. Lucky for us, we knew by the end of the day that it was a wicked infection. He got meds, and he should be fine. One bullet dodged.
Then in the afternoon, I got a call from the midwife at my OBGYN practice. She first asked me if I knew the result of my sonogram from a week ago. Yes, I am having twins, I said. Then she went on in a very cold way to tell me that the doctors in the practice have decided that my pregnancy is too high risk for them and that I will need to go somewhere else! This is when I started to get upset. Too risky? Twins? Don't people have twins all the frelling time? Then I asked the question. Is there more? Yes, there was. She went on to tell me that my twins were Monochorionic and Monoamniotic. Which means that not only do they share a house, but they also share a room in the house. That they don't have the normal membrane between them that would give them their own amniotic fluid. This is the rarest kind of twins and leads to all kinds of potential complications. Most of which is cord entanglement. This leads to bed rest for the mom before birth, then c-section at a month early and this premature babies. Worst case, of course.
So, there I am... with names and numbers of specialists. Of course, I am a smart girl. I went online and started to research. This is what I found out. It is hard to tell if twins are Monoamniotic that early and with only a normal ultrasound machine. The membrane between the babies is extremely thin and sometimes you can't see it until 12 weeks and then only with those freaky high resolution ultrasound machines. Also, I have two yolk sacs, which also means that the babies prolly have a membrane between them. I mean, no matter what, having twins is risky anyway, so I should have been ready for this, but still. SO, as of this morning, we have a new doctor who is at Georgetown University Hospital, who is a specialist in multiple births. We have a new ultrasound and appt scheduled for next Tuesday. His nurse talked to me for 20 minutes or so and made me feel so much better.
Last night, I started to cry and then immediately burst out laughing. I just couldn't stop laughing. It was the babies telling me they were ok. I can only say that I got this huge surge of happiness from them and clarity. They told me they were twins before the machines told me, so I am apt to believe them.
So, what seemed so horrible at first has turned into a good thing. Better doctor, better hospital, more understanding of twins in general. I am positive now that things happen for a reason. Not because of God... but because of something more powerful.
For more information on mono/mono twins go here, http://www.monoamniotic.org/
I feel like I am finally used to being pregnant. The sensitive boobs don't as much hurt as they are just irritating. I am wearing maternity pants and I feel so much better. I have gained 8 pounds and it is ok. The only thing that I can't seem to handle yet is having to go to bed so early. I get tired at around 8, but I try to hold out until at least 9.
We went to the daycare next to Jeff's work this week. We got information and applications (plural). Haha. We also confirmed how much it is going to cost. $2100 a month for both babies. Insane. Of course this information has made us mildly... ok... extremely stressed out. We are trying to look at our options and see what else we can do. I am just really afraid of getting out of the work force. I really don't want to do that. But then I worry that once they are here I won't want to give them up all day. One baby wouldn't have even made me think of all of this stuff, so it is kinda cool. Thinking about my place in the world and such. About what kind of mom I want to be. I think there is positive in both being a stay at home mom AND being a working mom. I don't want my kids to grow up thinking that women don't work... but then again... I don't want to feel like I am abandoning them. We have some other options that involve getting my sister to be their nanny... but it is all very far off. I also want to make sure that we can afford to stay in the city. I don't want to raise my children in the hell that is the suburbs of Washington, DC. I don't want to raise my children around strip malls and cars. I want my kids to be healthy, smart city kids who walk everywhere. I want the National Mall to be our backyard and mueseums to be our fun and sushi to be fast food. I almost feel like having twins is going to make me such a better parent than if there were just one. My whole self is involved in this now. ALL of my choices. ALL of my everything.
I was feeling particularly bad yesterday, so I stayed home from work. I think I really needed some sleep because I overdid it this weekend. I spent the day with my family on Sunday, shopping for maternity clothes. And Saturday we hung out with Mike and Edie and ate sushi and played Dance Dance Revolution. No naps at all!
So yesterday, I slept about 8 hours, only getting up to eat. I felt like a bear or something. It is so weird to have to worry so much about things like eating and sleeping.
I bought a few pieces of baby clothes on clearance at Old Navy, but then I thought... I shouldn't be buying any clothes at all! People love to buy baby clothes for you at baby showers and stuff. So I will try to stop buying baby clothes for a while.
I brought home a bassinett from my sister's house on SUnday. When I brought it into the house, Jeff said, "that is so big! and it is only one!" Haha.
Today I am 10 weeks pregnant. I wish I had a screen on my tummy so that I could watch the passengers grow. I think my babies are fetuses now and not just embryos anymore. I want a glass window to the passengers, like a glass bottom boat. I want a direct line to hear their hearts beating all day long.
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And now for an update on my weight. I started pregnancy a few pounds up because of vacation and XMAS. At my smallest weight in November, I was 70 pounds gone. I weighed 227 the day I found out I was pregnant. This morning, I weighed in at 235. That means I have gained 8 pounds. Weight gain in the first trimester is supposed to be 3 to 5 pounds for one baby. So I am guessing a little more for two. That means that I am gaining too much weight. The day before I found out I was having twins, Jeff mentioned to me that I was eating like a fat girl again. I agreed and put a stop to it. Then I saw both passengers and realized why I was eating so much. People keep telling me, "it's ok, you are pregnant!" But that is not an excuse to eat cheese fries. :) It might be an excuse to eat a burger which I would have never ever eaten during my weight loss journey. But I need to make sure I don't use it as an excuse to eat ice cream whenever I want. It is weird, though, the 8 pounds added on haven't gotten to my face or hands or legs, they are all in my tummy and bum. I wonder if that means they are good weight?
I whined a little about how big my materinty clothes are, but really... they make me look healthy and plump and lovely. I am a plumpling and it is ok.
If I am very still, I can feel my passengers moving. It feels like a tiny swirl, like a fish doing a somersault. I am a fish bowl.
I know it might seem too early for this, so I looked it up and like most things with twins, feeling them move comes early. I was telling Brian this morning about it and then I felt the little jolt. Right here at work. I didn't even have to concentrate. I am an aquarium.
Every morning, I wake up happier. More alive. More aware. More me. The nausia is getting a little better. But the sleepiness just gets bigger and bigger. That is ok. The passengers like me to sleep, so I will sleep.
Today is day two off of Prozac. The little pill that turned me into this lovely creature 3 years ago. I don't miss taking it. But I have worried a little today that my headache is some kind of side effect. But I hope it is just a pregnancy headache. I will have to watch this closely.
Last night, Archie walked up to me, sniffed my tummy (my bottom tummy where the passengers live) and then suddenly jumped back. He looked at me in horror. It was hilarious. So, can dogs smell pregnancy? I bet they sure can.
I know I have said it many many times before... but now it is frelling true:
i will have an army of clones. we will be so charming.
The only thing I didn't know about that prophetic line is that they will be clones of each other, not clones of me.
It took a day to get over the initial fear of having twins. I mean, there will be future fears, but I found that this morning I had this sense of calm that I haven't known since I found out I was pregnant.
I was thinking this morning, that everything I have done in the past 5 years was for this. For these new people. Losing 70 pounds, battling depression, getting out of debt, learning to understand myself. It sounds so Oprah or Dr. Phil. Sorry. But it is like if I were ever going to be ready to have twins it is now. It was easy to lose sight of those things when I first found out I was pregnant. Easy to wonder if I would be a good mom, if this was the right time, if Jeff and I were ready for this new stage in our relationship. But now, those fears seem so silly. Having two babies in there makes me know it is right. I wonder why that is? I even don't feel afraid about dumping the Prozac now. It seems silly to think I ever worried about it. So strange.
I am no longer having a baby. I am having a team. And for some reason that makes me stronger. I thought that when I cried so hard at the sonogram yesterday, when we got our first view of the passengers, that I was crying out of fear. Intense fear. But now it feels like I was mourning the loss of the inital fear of pregnancy. I was mourning the loss of being able to sort of afford a certain kind of fear. Mourning the loss of that frightened pregnant girl who was having such a hard time dealing with one baby. Now I have to be this other person. Now I AM this other person. Stronger and more awake some how.
Saturday night before bed, I told Jeff... I think I have twins in there. I think I have known all along, I said. He said not to worry because we would see on the sonogram on Monday. That has been my joke, fear, all along actually... having more than one passenger. Everyone kept telling me, don't worry, you aren't on fertility medicine, no worries, twins don't run in your family.
Well, we went in for the sonogram this morning. As the sonographer was prepping, I said, will we be able to see how many we have in there? Of course I pretended to be joking. She said, why, did you take fertility meds? Nope, I said. Well, because there are two babies in here. I want to say I was shocked, but I wasn't. It was kinda like getting confirmation that you got into the only college you applied for. At the sight of those TWO little beans head to butt inside of me, I started to cry like I have never cried before. Happiness and fear all at once. Jeff just stood there staring at the screen. We also found out that my passengers are in the same compartment. So they are most likely identical. Clones if you will. Of course, I am only 9 weeks pregnant, so we don't know what flavor they are yet.
This explains why I have been so so sick and so so sleepy and have already gained 7 pounds. This explains everything. The dreams about twins, everything. It also makes a lot of decisions for me... obgyn versus midwife practice... we are going to go with the obgyn. Buying a car? Um, yes.
I guess this just means that I can never do anything normally... that I am always full of surprises. That is me. Surprise girl.
I threw up in someone's garden this morning. Right in front of the Starbucks on 16th and U. My first session of public vomitting actually went ok. I kept telling myself, 'don't get emotionally involved.' And I didn't. I just stood there throwing up over the fence into the garden. Jeff also dealt with it really well too. I didn't even turn around and go home. Even though I was resolved to remain detached from the fact that I was vomitting in public, I still cried a little, which was kinda pretty. Warm tears on cold cheeks.
********************************************************* what are you eating?
I have had two email questions about what I am eating now that I am pregnant. When I was on the weight loss journey, I basically had three main things that I ate: sushi, Subway and lean quizine meals. I also ate lots of fruit and stuff. Now that I am pregnant, obviously I can't eat raw sushi anymore and the frozen meals have too much sodium in them. And subway makes me vomit now. I have found that if I eat all day long, I won't throw up... thus, I sit here at my desk with something to eat at all times. This is hard on a girl like me who has been doing the exact opposite for a year or so.
Here is what I have eaten today:
- gingerale
- banana muffin
- cheerios
- babybel mini cheedar cheese
- 4 saltines
- water
- ginergale
- more cheerios
- au bon pain grilled chicken sandwich with cheedar cheese, cucumbers and field greens and sundried tomato spread on rosemary bread
- an orange (which is messy!)
- some cashews
- almonds
- more water
that is it so far. I will most likely get a burger and salad for dinner and a fruit smoothie. It is wayyyyy too much food. But at least I think I am making ok choices. NOt enough legumes or veggies... but veggies are turning my stomach right now.
Well, I know that was exciting! ;)
The 4 o'clock dark that looked so depressing from my work window takes me by surprise as I exit the glassy building. Surprise because it brings me suddenly alive. Fake January summer has been replaced by something new, something wonderful. The nippy nip draws me from my baby brain and I am a sparkler. Taking the sidewalk in big strides, last remaining xmas lights shine on me like tiny suns and I feel like my self for the first time since this new journey began. And I smile deep in my core, so deep. My coat is one size too big and vintage-y and looks like a sofa. Blue and blown. It swings at my knees. I am carrying home Jake's art bag with the pages of the comic book Jeff is writing and Jake is drawing, safely inside. The art bag is flung across my chest and I feel like a right little art school girl. A right little art school girl.
The cold is wet and spit spaty, like London was when we were there. I whisper to my passenger, "this is what the weather was like the day you were made." And I remember walking along the banks of the Thames in the cold wet. The Thames must love bridges. She has so many. That was the first day that I wrote: "I am the captain of a great ship. I am ice and clouds." Did I know somewhere deep inside that that day was special? Was it my passenger making it's plans for me? Was I the captain of a great ship before I got pregnant or did I become one that day? I am a question girl. So full. Of questions. A right little question girl.
I am 8 weeks pregnant today. I wonder how long it used to take a ship to cross the Atlantic from Europe to America. I wonder how many ancient across the ocean voyages my journey will equal. I will have to look that up. I wonder if I could give birth on a ship? It is funny because I have never written about this... but i called my website ilikeseamonsters because well, seamonsters scare me. And I love getting past fear. I love the place right past fear. So, I figured, if i say I like seamonsters, I won't be afraid of them anymore. Plus they are pretty and scary, which is how all girls should be. But for real, at some point as an adult, I got this fear of boats and waves and underwater. Red Lobster commericals used to, ok, still, freak me out. So, what does it mean that the sea has become my mascot? I don't know.
I am secretly still wanting to name the baby Shipwreck. I will have to get some old sea captainy books and look for other nautical words that are more pretty. Cordelia means daugher of the sea, but I fear that a daughter named Cordelia would become a Playboy bunny or at the very least a cheerleader.
My passenger still has flaps instead of arms today... but the little fish will soon become armed. She or he is the size of a cherry now. Armed cherry. I ate blackberries yesterday. Unarmed.
I have been quiet. Oh so quiet.
Actually, I have been away from my computer because I was hosting my 7 year old niece, Brittney for the weekend. Jeff and Brian and I took her to her first sushi bar place for New Year's Eve dinner. Lucky for her, they also serve burgers. The night also included many rounds of Dance Dance Revolution and Taiko Drum Master, which we finally know how to play. Taiko Drum Master makes me want to be a really lazy drummer in a really bad band. Just so I can bang on things when I wanna. We four watched the ball drop over a serious game of Spongebob Uno. And as Jeff said, there are no friends in Uno. It was a pretty fun evening.
The next day, Brittney got sick with a headache and other things and we felt so bad for her. She slept through most of the Lemony Snickett movie in the theater, but we watched Harry Potter 2, twice at home. She went home this morning and I hear she now has a fever of 101 and chills. Ugh. My first kid weekend, and the kid has pnemonia.
I spent most of the day today sleeping on the couch with my smelly dog while Jeff played Halo2. Very relaxing. Then I made 10 fertility goddess bracelets with some rad beads that I have been saving for a while. Adding those to the store right now!
My hands are looking a little meaty tonight. I find that the "morning sickness" is better when I get like 12 hours of sleep a day. And the headaches are nearly gone. Jeff and Brian figured out this morning over brunch at the gay steak house that the headaches were most likely caffiene withdrawl. I know all the smart boys. Now that I have the caffiene kicked, I just have to try and up my water intake from 4 to 8 glasses a day. I weigh 230 today. That is a sad number for me personally, but I am getting used to knowing that I will see the scale go up. I have already gained more than I wanted to. I am dealing with that pretty well. Someone wrote to me concerned that I am equating pretty with thinner... Hmm... well. I spent 5 years weighing nearly 300 pounds and I always thought I was pretty then. I did feel sick all the time, though. At 70 pounds gone, though, I am the prettiest I have ever been and i will not apologize for that. I think that the "fat positive" movement kept me very very unhealthy for a long time. I don't think that any girl who is seriously overweight should let people hold them back from health. I know this is a gender politics thing. But I was always a "fat girl" who was lovely and enjoyed life and didn't let it stop me from doing anything. Well, at some point, that fat girl became obese and it was time to deal with myself. Look at myself for real and stop hiding behind my weight. And that fat positive movement really lets some of us hide behind our weight. Of course it isn't as bad as the weight loss industry, but that is another topic altogether. Anyway, here is my advice. Love yourself no matter what you weigh. But also, love yourself ENOUGH to know when it is time to help yourself. I wish I would have known this sooner.
So... yes, I have lost 70 pounds and yes, now I will gain some because of my passenger and it is ok that I mourn that. It is ok if I look at my face in the mirror and frown at the pounds coming back on. It doesn't mean that I don't think I am beautiful. If anything, it just means that when the passenger arrives, I will be more than ready to finish my weight loss journey. To me that is a comfort, not selling out.
Last night, in conversation with Jeff, I said "my baby" for the first time. One step closer to owning this. It is weird how a planned pregnancy can be so difficult to get used to. I blame feminism. haha. I have spent so little time in my life thinking about the actual reality that as the girl, I am the one to carry this passenger.
Are you sick of hearing me complain yet? I sure am. I am becoming a bit of a drag, I think.
We have this HD cable now that we have a new big HDTV. On one of the Discovery channels, there is this show called Sunrise Earth. Every morning, there is a different nature scene and sunrise. It is insanely calming. So much better than watching that clown Katie Couric ramble on about stupid things. This morning on Sunrise Earth, I watched a sunrise over a field of cows. Cows are the most lovely creatures in the world, besides octopi. The grass was so green and the cows were tan and I felt like a farm girl. After the sun came up, the cows began to eat the green green so gingerly. Not like a hungry dog, but just so calmly. I have never seen anything eat so calmly. I thought about how cows are vegitarians and about how we reward them for this by eating them. I thought about India where the cows are more respected and about other countries, I think maybe India where sometimes a monkey will steal your sandwich because they run around with people. I wish that squirrels were so bold.
Craziest fear about being pregnant. And I have worried about this at least 5 times since I found out two weeks ago. I keep thinking I will demagnetize the baby. I try to keep my magnetic work key and front apartment door key away from my tummy. If I ever accidently touch my tummy with these magnetic keys, I think, damn it! I have demagnetized the baby! Damn it. Damn it. Damn it!
Jeff and I went for my first prenatal care appointment this morning. I am 7 weeks pregnant. My due date is Aug. 16, 2005. We go back in two weeks for the first look at our passenger.
Today they took lots and lots of blood to test me for all kinds of things. We talked about my fears, which were weight gain and my daily prozac. Jeff got to watch me get a pap smear, which was hilarious. I looked over and saw him and just started laughing my ass off. Talk about out of place. And when the bloodtakers took all that blood, Jeff was so lovely, holding my hand and telling me I would be ok. My first mate's capacity for sympathy is way beyond what I expected it would be. I am so pleased by that. I should have known, though, because he is a sensitive lovely boy.
Christmas came and went in it's own boring way as usual. I am not a huge fan of xmas. I wish I were. Jeff gave me a lovely glitterlimes bracelet that is way more great that I hoped. Oh course, it doesn't look great with my seasickness bracelets, but oh well. One nice surprise was seeing Heidi mypapercrane.com in the Old Navy while visiting my mother in law in Hagerstown! She came up to me and totally surprised me. I felt very shy for some reason, mostly because I was so surprised to see her. I almost didn't recognize her because i couldn't see many of her amazing tattoos. I hugged her and talked briefly. Maybe this is weird... but whenever I see Heidi, I want to move to a house near her and see her all the time. I mean, I hardly know her in the real world. But there is this thing about her that makes me want to spend time with her. Hopefully that isn't weird and stalky. Haha.
New symptoms of pregnancy this week: my boobs are filling back out (after having lost 70 pounds, they were a little deflated, having gone from a 42DD to a 38D) and are so frelling sore. All I do is nightmare that I can't find a shirt; I am so tired that I wanna go to sleep at 8pm; all I crave is cheese.
I am seven weeks pregnant. My hair is blue and pink and my panda ears are ploppy. I am wearing pink and burgandy. My passenger is the size of a bean from tail to head. I have decided on a water theme for the baby things. We have finally decided to not name it Shipwreck if it is a boy, even though Shipwreck was the best of all the GI Joes. The salty one, as Jeff says. My world is cold yet sunny. It matches my feelings right now. All I feel is the sick of being pregnant still, but I keep whispering to myself. "You are growing the future captain of a future ship. You are growing une serpeant de mer. You are going to have a leo, like yourself. God help Jeff who will live with two leos, two captains, two seamonsters."
The lovely well-wishers are all emailing me. Thank you so much. I haven't been able to write back at all. I plan on writing to everyone this evening. Your words have been really moving, though. All of you.
A few things about my new journey that I have been dealing with.
1. Going from weight loss to pregnancy. I am learning to eat again. I have gone back down to pre-vacation weight in the past week, even though I am eating like crazy. We are going to continue to chronical my weight on this new voyage. I mean I, not we. hehe. So, right now, I weigh 226. Which is nearly 70 pounds down from my largest weight a year and a half ago. I read that i shouldn't gain more than 2 to 5 pounds in the first 20 weeks. So we will see if I can maintain that. I have been eating when I am hungry and drinking non-diet gingerale. Today the non-diet gingerale is stopping. I have also gone off of all caffiene. I am trying to eat exactly what my body asks for. That means lots of cheese, pudding and broccoli. Oh and hamburger. My little one wants red meat. So, this whole weight and food thing will be an ongoing topic of discussion. Jeff says I have never looked thinner, to this, i will eat a cheeseburger.
2. I have had a hard time owning this new journey. Making it mine. I have felt a little more like an oven than a chef. I am hoping this is a normal feeling. I think it is. Right now, I am only feeling the sick of being pregnant, as soon as that goes away, I am sure I will feel more like I am actually part of this. Jeff is such an amazing person... he has been very good about helping me and talking to me and showing concern and all kinds of wonderfulness. I can't imagine women of the past going through this without sensitive hubbies. I told jeff, I will get to see what it was like for my ancestors to walk 2-3 miles a day while pregnant, since that is my walk to and from work. The only difference is that I am walking to a comfy job and my greatgrandma was prolly walking to pick her drunk husband off the floor of a bar, or perhaps to bring home a cow for milk or something like that.
I am six weeks pregnant. I have blue hair and am wearing mauve. My passenger is now about 3 to 5 millimeters -- about the size of a peppercorn. I am beginning to own this new voyage. I can't wait until I can fully captain it, but that time is coming. My navigations tell me so.
Day Number 38
5 weeks (gestational age: 24 days / 3 weeks)
242 days remaining
The baby is only about 2 mm long, but is well-nourished and is growing rapidly.
***********************************************************
Things I have smelled with my super pregnant sense of smell in the past few days:
- my archie, the dog. oh my, he is a smelly beast
- my city, my home. smells like chemicals.
- cars. god how i hate cars.
- soup, for lunch, also smelled like chemicals.
- strawberries, yum.
- homeless woman comes up to me to tell me she likes my hair.
- white board marker in a meeting at work from across the room.
Yesterday, I went to get my official obgyn blood test to tell me I indeed do have a passenger. My powers of eternal youth were in full force. The blood-taker asked if I was Tina. I said yes. Are you sure, she said. Yes, I laughed. Well, this chart says you are 31, that can't be right. No, it is right, I say, laughing. No way, she says. You can't be more than 24. I get that a lot, I say. This was a good exchange because it took my brain off of the sea-sickness.
Today is day 3 of knowing about my new journey. My first mate is a happy hubby. I am realizing that when we talked about "having a baby," I think I forgot that I, being the girl, would have to carry this passenger across the sea. I am so used to being the captain that I forget these things sometimes.
But my tummy is telling me over and over today. You are growing a person. You are growing a person. You are growing a future captain of a future ship.
The webbies for preggies are all telling me to get a seasickness bracelet. I think that is so funny.
After my night of vomitting and complaining that the dog smells bad, Jeff took this picture of the little test that I took this morning. So at 31, I am pregnant for the first time. And it is snowing tiny flakes outside. And I am craving Cheerios. Cheerios!
While my weight loss journey is taking a slight detour for the next 9 months, a new journey has begun. I woke up from a nap this afternoon after dreaming of the bright yellow room that my sister and I used to share when we were kids. The light in the center of the room was the first thing I saw and I felt this huge surge of happiness. Followed by the need to vomit. I thought, that is what my life will be like from now on... happy, then vomit.
From my calculations, I am about 5 weeks pregnant. I will know for sure after my first appointment on Monday. Jeff and I were talking about how it is funny that we have been together for 10 years and yet, here we are, pregnant for the first time. Weird but cool.
I am the captain of a great ship today. And I have a passenger. And he or she is telling me to eat Cheerios and Peach Sorbet and then throw up.
Hello new journey.
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