am i ready to complete the great smallening?
Seven day weeks are no good for weight loss.
I find that I am really good, on the mark, eating well, exercising, etc., Monday-Wednesday. Then, Thursday comes and it all goes to hell. I know it really isn't about food of course, it is about stress. So now I know that I can handle stress for about 3 days tops before I break out the cheeseburger therapy.
I have been doing this now for about 3 weeks. Ok, maybe I have been doing this for about a year. Watching myself struggle for days only to fall off the wagon.
Why am I writing this right now? I think I needed to make myself aware of it. Break the pattern, etc. I need to tell myself where I am and where I have been. The girls are three years old now! I weighed 310 pounds the day they were born. I weigh 241 right now. This second. This minute. It is 4:07 and I weigh 241 pounds and this seems acceptable. And this might be my problem. I have my entire life accepted myself and surrounded myself with people who did the same. It is hard to realize that this isn't helping me.
Yes, wait, it does help me do and be all of these awesome things. I am not afraid of failure in any other form of my life. I don't accept failure, I press on and try other things and am in my heart someone who is awesome. But really, I am failing. Every single Thursday when I let stress get to me. I am a failure. And this is something that I need to remind myself every day. No matter how much I get done in a day, momming, podcasting, making stuff, work, I continue to weigh 241 pounds. Well, of course it matters, but it isn't making me win the biggest battle of my life, the one thing that I really need to do for myself.
When I lost the 80 pounds before I got pregnant with the girls, it was a full time job. The project was me. I couldn't do anything else, but think about and fix me. As a mom, now, I don't have that luxury. So I need to accept this and move on and not pretend that it doesn't matter, that is ok to weigh 241 pounds because I am busy or tired or involved in lots of projects.
Tomorrow I turn 35. I am getting old. Both of my parents are diabetics with heart problems. I'm not just beating myself up because I want to be small or pretty or whatever, I need to beat myself up because I don't want to turn into them. Neither of them could walk a mile if they had to. I can't imagine this.
I have in the past felt strange writing about this stuff here. I hate stories of failure and in general am not interested in people who fail. So I guess I wouldn't want to read about the current me. I also reserve this space for stuff about all of my projects. So perhaps by writing about this again, the ME project will finally exist again.
Ok. It's now 4:22 and I am going to go drink some water. If you used to read this blog because you liked to watch someone struggle and lose weight (or were doing so yourself), that topic is back in the mix.
I know that sometimes I sound really anti-fat. Fatist? I don't know. I just know that I am so comfortable in my own skin, with my body, that I am currently so much smaller than I am used to being that I accept being fat too much. 241 is nothing! I know how to weigh 300 pounds! And I think the only way to push myself is to stop accepting it.
Comments
I get what you are saying, but when you say this "No matter how much I get done in a day, momming, podcasting, making stuff, work. None of it matters if I continue to weigh 241 pounds" I feel genuinely sad. Because those things DO matter. They matter more than how much you weigh. I read that and all I hear is "I would be a totally awesome and accomplished woman, except I'm fat." And, I think that's BS.
Health is important, but thin does not automatically equal health.
Myself, I just discovered I'm a size smaller than I thought I was. Turns out this not buying any meat thing (but still eating lots of things that would make a dieter's head spin) is causing a nice slow weight loss.
I can't wait to be able to see my crotch again, though. :)
Posted by: theclevermom | August 18, 2008 7:00 PM
yeah. i know it sounds like that, like i am saying that nothing matters while i'm still fat. that isn't my point. my point it this.. none of this matters as long as i don't fix this underlying problem. the problem will still be there and i will still be battling it. i can move forward with all of these awesome things, but that one thing is still there and i need to stop ignoring it.
of course thin doesnt' mean healthy. lots of thin people smoke and drink too much. i am actually the healthiest i have ever been, but i see my parents and know it won't last.
i just think i accept myself too much. and a little negative energy isn't bad for the battle.
Posted by: tina | August 18, 2008 7:07 PM
what i am really saying this:
"I am a totally awesome and accomplished woman, BUT I'm STILL fat."
And I hate that, because it really is the one thing in my life that I haven't been able to accomplish and that tends to make it feel super important.
Not to mention that my boobs are huge and I am tired of carrying them around.
Posted by: tina | August 18, 2008 7:31 PM
You know how to do this. You also tend to spread yourself too thin (no pun intended), and since this used to be a full-time job, I wonder where in the day you are going to find the time to dedicate to this all-consuming (Again, no pun intended) project. I worry about people, esp, on the mental side.
I think you are great whereever you are physically and mentally in this journey, and I will be sending you strength, because it's something one can never have enough of.
eileen
Posted by: eileen | August 18, 2008 8:01 PM