Thanks to Jessica for making me think more about this....

Some people mourn when their kids age. They get upset when they suddenly don't have babies anymore. I understand this a little. Sometimes the girls and I look at pictures from when they were little and I feel a little sad. But I don't really yearn for the old versions like some people do.

I never really thought about having kids. It was never a dream, per say. Sure, when it was time to have kids, we talked about it and I agreed. But it was not this lifelong wish. I think this makes me a better mother. I never ever thought, "Someday someone will love me because they have to, because they need me." I never banked on this. But here I am with two little girls who do love me and do need me and this won't go away when they are 5 or 8 or 20. It will just be different. It will get worse and then better if I am a good mom. I get this. I want my girls to be adults someday. I want them to grow up. I want them to be happy, not helpless babies for the rest of their lives.

The other night, before bed, Anya said, "Mama. Toys aren't real." She was kinda asking me a question, like she knew this to be true, but needed me to confirm. This didn't make me sad. I was so excited for her that she was making these connections. Her ponies are not real. They are plastic, but that it is okay to pretend they are real. We then had a big talk about this, about pretending. She got very excited to talk to me about it, to have her thoughts confirmed. If we can have this conversation at 2-1/2, I can't wait to meet her when she is 8. Of course, I will miss my little Anya, but I would never want to hold her back. To keep her an infant or a toddler forever.

People often tell me that my kids are really advanced for their age. I reply that I don't treat them "their age". I think this is the key, to not let your self worth as a person get wrapped up in your kids. To let them learn and grow and not let your needs or neediness get wrapped up in their progress.