I have had an interesting two weeks of smallening. A yucky stomach virus left me weak and not eating for two days. 4 pounds down. When I got my appetite back, the pounds found me and then some. So, I was 2 pounds up. Whoohoo! And I have been climbing my way back up the mountain since. Today, I finally saw something smaller than before being sick. Whoohoo!

Since the beginning of the year:

Since I gave birth two years ago:

I am so aware of my collar bones and it is totally creeping me out. They just sit there, pointing out at my clothes. I shudder when one of the girls touches them. I cannot imagine feeling all of my bones unearthed. It is going to be hella creepy. Fat keeps you from your bones. And I kinda like that. Of course, I know I will get used to my bones, but dude, the reality that I have a skeleton under here is creepy.

There is this other feeling, too. And I think I am only noticing this because my weight has jumped around so much in the past two weeks. The less I weigh, the less toxic I feel. Like, the parts under my skin, the muscles, even the fat, feel far less toxic with each pound dropped. I am sure this is true. It is as if the less fat in my body, the healthier I am, the less bad stuff under my skin. This must be how it feels to detox from drugs or something. Like a cleansing. I never thought about this and it was never a reason to lose weight. But it is a nice side effect. I know that thin people are like, "um, duh." But our enabling culture doesn't remind us that being fat is unhealthy. It just pats us on our plump little backs and says, "You are beautiful no matter what!" Well, screw that, I wanna FEEL good.

Even though I am back to pre-pregnancy weight, I am far bigger than I was then. I am sure this is about the fact that I don't walk 2 miles a day now the way I did back then. So if you are out there trying to drop pounds by just cutting food, the exercise totally matters. I might weigh 223 pounds, but I am a size 18-20 and not a 16-18 like last time. Muscle makes you leaner.

Something I found from the first smallening is reminding me of how I feel right now (this is in my book):

I am an archeologist.

Digging up bones. This is what I do for fun. I have wrist bones. I have rib bones. But best of all are the hip bones. I never thought they would be unearthed. When you are super fat, you don’t even think about the fact that there are bones under there. They surprise you when they pop out and poke at your clothes.

I think of all my bones, all secret under my skin. They have hidden for so long. I can’t believe they are really mine. I could make a prehistoric animal with these unearthed bones. Instead, I will make a new me. And she will be pretty and she will be strong and her discoveries will continue to astonish.

This is a feeling that I seriously wish for everyone struggling with the search for their bones.