Being a mom of twins is a constant struggle to treat them equally. Doling out noodles or toys or Cheerios equally is easy. But, when we get to love and affection is where we have a problem.

When the girls were tiny, I was Anya's mamma. Jeff was Rachi's mamma. This was good and nice and easy. But this was not the natural course of things, I think. Every child needs mamma time and Rachi is seeking to reclaim what she has lost.

All day long, I hear from one or both of my girls, "No, sissie, my mamma. My mommy. Mine!" It is frantic and pained and insistant.

In bed at night, me between them like an island between matching oceans, I notice Anya is listening to her sister's movements, gauging whether Rachel is going to make her move and climb on top of my tummy and drift off to sleep listening to my heart beat. Anya has perfected it. She knows when her sister is about to move, and she pounces, scrambling on top just in time.

To this, Rachi screams, "No, my mommy!!!"

And this breaks my heart. Daily, I am sad and split and feel like I could never possibly give them both what they need.

Honestly, I want to give Rachi her time. I want Ani to chill and stop being so possessive. I dig Rachi and want her to be happy and feel like I missed so much time with her when she was tiny and Jeff's baby. I know Ani well, she is a tiny clone of me in many ways. Rachi is a foreign land, all quirky and slightly odd. I feel like she often hangs back and lets her sister get all the good stuff and I respect and feel for her.

I often have to take a step back and realize that someday soon, neither will care that they sleep with me or seek my attention so much. "My mommy" will be replaced with "Whatever, mom." So, I do my best to cuddle everyone at once. I do my best, but my heart still breaks.