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I have been thinking a lot about how I should be measuring this weight loss and what my goal should be. If I were truly honest about where I have been in the past two years, my weight loss ticker would be far more impressive:
I weighed 305 pounds the day I gave birth. I dropped the first 30 pounds or so in the first month afterwards. Does this count? I didn't work too hard for it. The doctors gave me shots to make me pee out all of the fluids that I had built up.
So, if my ticker changes to this... then I think that my goal should also change. So, I am thinking of this:
I want to be true to where I am right now and the other ticker was since the beginning of the year, but this ticker is really where I have been in the past two years. And I think it is more encouraging to view it this way. What do you think?
I need to remember how far I have really come, not just since re-commiting myself, but since the day I gave birth nearly two years ago. The day that this great smallening began. I keep beating myself up for only having lost 25 pounds in the past 6 months, but the truth is that I could have gone the other direction so easily after I gave birth. I could have gained weight!!!
So, I want my ticker to express what I am thinking in my head when I weigh in. I used to weigh 305 pounds. I used to be as fat as Hurley on Lost. I am kicking ass, here. I am half way there. I am going to lose the weight of an entire person! I think that a goal of 175 was this sort of hope to still be fat without being fat somehow. Do you do this in your head? Wonder how you can lose weight, but still be a fat girl? I do this all the time. I feel my boobs hollowing out and think, my god, I am going to have smaller boobs. That sucks. I feel my thighs getting smaller and think, my god, who is this girl under here? So, I think my new goal is the acceptance that one must must must leave the fat girl behind. Throw her away and stop wearing her as some sort of crazy sad mask.
How do we measure the history of our fat? In pounds and sizes and feelings and photos of smaller or bigger yous. I don't know where to begin to measure this. Or what that even means. I am documenting it, though. And I am confused by it and I am completely entrenched in it. And I am working through it and this is all so rad.
The beginning of week three on Weight Watchers online and the weight continues to come off at about the right rate of 1 to 2 pounds a week.
My back is feeling strange, as if I am carrying around someone else's. Pants that didn't fit three weeks ago, do now and I am feeling lighter, like when you get a big haircut.
My smallening is steady and strong and right and has met few real road blocks. I do believe that if you can get through the first 4 weeks of weight watchers without freaking out and eating a whole pizza, you can do it for the long haul. You can. You can.
Tell me how you are doing.
Some of my Craft Mutiny peeps will be selling their stuff at the very first Pile of Craft show in Baltimore this weekend!
Pile of Craft is a juried indie/alternative craft fair that will be hosted by Baltimore’s new Charm City Craft Mafia on June 23rd, 2007. The event will be held indoors at St. John’s Church, located at 2640 St. Paul St, Baltimore, MD 21218, from 10:00 AM until 5:00 PM.
Jeff and the girls and I will be checking it out. I am looking forward to going to my very first indie craft show where I will not be selling! Super fun! A few things to look for.
I love these cute necklaces from Sara (who is also called Pile of Craft!). They are so simple and cute with just the right amount of sparkle. Rachi models the trees below. Anya refused to sit still to model her rocket ship.
I am not sure if Sean will have any of these doors with him, but I have been meaning to blog these for some time because I dig them so much.
From Scenic Artisan.
I have two of these little doors and I love them so. This is a terrible picture, but here you can see them on my living room wall with two tiles from Jenna Colby (also a serious favorite).
Rania from goshdarnknit has the best little Gocco-ed wallets.
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The show is free and should be fun. If you are near Baltimore, check it out!
My guest blogging continues on the Crafty Bastards blog today with a post about the Print Gocco.
Do comment with all of your Gocco tricks and tips! And questions, too! I will try to answer them.
Check it out.
There is still time to apply for the Crafty Bastards Arts and Crafts Fair! You have until July 1. Don't forget!
So, week one on Weight Watchers online and I am 2 pounds down. I did really well until Saturday when Doug came to visit and we ate too much sushi. I guess it is better than eating too much cake.
I am adjusting really well mostly because my meals have been WW meals mostly for the past 6 months, the problem was that I was eating between meals. I have completely cut this out except for grapes at night. Those are gone this week. I also need to increase my water intake. I actually measured and ate only a cup of cooked angel hair pasta to night. 1 cup of pasta is actually a lot!
Something I have been thinking about and just wrote to someone in an email:
Once we have lost 80 or 100 pounds... we become this person who CAN lose weight. This person who HAS lost weight. And yet we walk around still fat or fat again because of pregnancy or time or whatever reason. And we want to explain to people, "But this is thinner for me. But I can be fatter! But I am trying. But, don't look at me and think, how could you be fatter than this?!"
Have you gone through this feeling? Once you lose weight, you DO become a new person or perhaps unearth a person long forgotten or abandoned. And if you gain weight back, you are still this new person inside. I am right now almost the weight I was when I lost weight the first time, before I got pregnant. I remember thinking this was soooo thin. It was compared to the original 300 pounds, but it is still really fat. I have figured this out this time. And this is totally ok.
I am seeing a smaller me in distorted mirrors on my walks. She is a future me, peeking at me from a soon time. A time so soon I can taste it. I am looking forward to her like a long deserved vacation.
Being a mom of twins is a constant struggle to treat them equally. Doling out noodles or toys or Cheerios equally is easy. But, when we get to love and affection is where we have a problem.
When the girls were tiny, I was Anya's mamma. Jeff was Rachi's mamma. This was good and nice and easy. But this was not the natural course of things, I think. Every child needs mamma time and Rachi is seeking to reclaim what she has lost.
All day long, I hear from one or both of my girls, "No, sissie, my mamma. My mommy. Mine!" It is frantic and pained and insistant.
In bed at night, me between them like an island between matching oceans, I notice Anya is listening to her sister's movements, gauging whether Rachel is going to make her move and climb on top of my tummy and drift off to sleep listening to my heart beat. Anya has perfected it. She knows when her sister is about to move, and she pounces, scrambling on top just in time.
To this, Rachi screams, "No, my mommy!!!"
And this breaks my heart. Daily, I am sad and split and feel like I could never possibly give them both what they need.
Honestly, I want to give Rachi her time. I want Ani to chill and stop being so possessive. I dig Rachi and want her to be happy and feel like I missed so much time with her when she was tiny and Jeff's baby. I know Ani well, she is a tiny clone of me in many ways. Rachi is a foreign land, all quirky and slightly odd. I feel like she often hangs back and lets her sister get all the good stuff and I respect and feel for her.
I often have to take a step back and realize that someday soon, neither will care that they sleep with me or seek my attention so much. "My mommy" will be replaced with "Whatever, mom." So, I do my best to cuddle everyone at once. I do my best, but my heart still breaks.
I heart podcasts. I listen to about 15 or so during the week. As a work at home mom, they are my co-workers really. They tell me stories and keep me company while the girls watch Dora or Wonder Pets. My favorites include Mugglecast (teenage boys talk about Harry Potter!), Croncast (Kris and Betsy tell me about their life 3 times a week!) and Kevin Smith's Smodcast (only at night with headphones because of the bad language!).
I have added a new favorite to my list and what is rad about this is that this podcast is done by a friend of mine. Jonah does Theatrically Speaking, which is a playwriting podcast. Now I am not a theater goer, I am mostly not interested in theater at all. But playwriting, Jonah has totally made the process of playwriting totally interesting! Actually, I wasn't sure I was interested in playwriting until I started listening to Jonah's podcast, really. He has a friendly, easy going style and voice and this is rad. He has totally made me think about playwriting in ways I never did before, a topic I wasn't even interested in! I am very stubborn, so this is rare. Like you will never get me interested in gardening, no matter how cool you are. Hear me? Anyway, Jonah's podcast comes out on Wednesdays, every Wednesday. Rad.
Here is Jonah wearing a funny hat:
Anyway, check out Jonah's website http://www.jonahofthesea.com or check out the podcast directly here or on itunes. If you dig it, let him know I sent ya. Oh, also the theme song to the show is cool and is available as a separate download.
I love this shirt:
But hate to buy it because I am smallening. Perhaps I will buy it two sizes smaller! Does that show how much faith I have in the smallening?
I already feel my back changing, after only 4 days of serious point counting. I feel completely separate from food right now. Like I had put up this wall. And there is no door or window or glass. Just me and the wall. And all the food is on the other side, feeling left out and forgotten. Poor sad food.
Check me out on the Fabulist from yesterday.
And on Indiefixx last week.
After so much struggling on my own with this, I finally decided to use my old friend, Weight Watchers Online again. Today is day 3 of using it. I can't believe I thought I could apply the theories and rules of weight watchers on my own without tools. Even though I used it for 14 months when I lost weight before I got pregnant, I totally need to be reminded for these rules to work.
So, day 3 and I am surviving, but it is difficult. The first time I lost the 70-80 pounds, I ate the same thing everyday for a long time until I got the hang of it and saw some initial weight loss. I am doing the same thing now and am so hungry! Last night I had dinner at 6, and didn't go to bed until 2 am, so you can imagine how hungry I was and the kind of struggle I had with not eating anything after dinner. I know, I know, I could have had something small. But what is the point of doing this if you can't take every opportunity to do the right thing, ya know?
I love Weight Watchers online because it is a tool, not a diet. It is a religion almost, a way of life, rules to follow. And I don't have to hang out with anyone who just needs to lose 10 pounds. No meetings. No silly food plans. Just tools to figure out how much to eat and to log it. I signed up for a mere $60 for 3 months, cheap compared to the lame meetings.
I feel like I am detoxing and this is rad.
So this is where I have been... First picture is me, the fattest ever about 5 years ago. Second picture is me the week I got pregnant with the girls after losing around 70 pounds. Third is me about 20 pounds ago. Fourth is the current me. I hear a lot of fat people say that they wouldn't be a new person if they lose weight. This is just stupid and naive. Do you think I was a different person from picture one to picture two? Hell yes.
I can't wait to add the last picture to this list. I want to meet her. She is in here underneath, waiting. Like a seamonster, all pretty under the waves.
Fattest ever (5 years ago, over 300 pounds).
I was too fat to fit in the picture and wore a Men's XXL.
The week I got pregnant (70 pounds down).
And I have to say, my best fashion day ever.
4 Months ago at the beginning of the Great Smallening Two.
And last week. Doesn't tell much cause my face is far too thin for this body.
i have this watch that speaks french. she tells me what time it is, except she is always wrong. i know just enough french to know she is wrong. and i feel bad for her. she is bad at the only thing she knows how to do.
My Art Star Philly report has been posted to the Washington CityPaper Crafty Bastards blog.
Check it out here.
Rememeber to comment to let us know you exist!
Just a note, I will be selling my stuff at the Ballston Arts Market by the Ballston Metro at Welburn Square this Saturday from 10-4. Nearly all of the Crafy Mutiny! will be there. We are booth 13 near Stuart Street.
The market runs from 10am-4pm on Saturday and the free concert starts between 12-1 and runs 2 hours.
If you're coming from DC, take the orange line to Ballston and cross N. Stuart Street. You can also take the 38B which starts at Farragut Sq. and travels through Georgetown and over the Key Bridge, ending at Ballston Metro.
Read all about it on the Crafty Bastards blog (including a nice mention of me!), here.
More information here:
http://www.ballstonarts-craftsmarket.blogspot.com/
My Art Star report will make it to the Crafty Bastards blog later this week, for now, here are a few photos of my booth and stuff and self:
Self portrait of me in the Art Star bathroom:
I am looking slightly thin even though I have been staying the same weight with all of my crazy stressed life. I am also looking slightly booby. Can't wait to see how many people are googling the word 'booby'.
A few new items.
First, this amazing Zombies in Washington mash-up tshirt. I got the tourist shirt on clearance and added my zombies.
I still have this, it is a small. I can't figure out how much to charge because it is so darn rad.
A ghost hoodie that a sold to a girl who really loved it!
And I am finally printing the seamonster design:
I sold lots of these, and was super surprised.
The new design that is sleepy was not unveiled as we are still working on her. But the seamonster was new for the day.
I have also thought about adding little books to all of my shirts, with stories and blog posts about the shirts. Not sure how many people will appreciate this, but this is what I am thinking about. I want to add an element of story telling to my items, so we will see see see.
A friend who is pregnant came to visit recently. I told Rachi that there is a baby in our friend's tummy. To this, Rachi looked at her and said, "cut out." Thus proving that not only do I always tell my children the truth, but that they were listening when I told them that they used to live in my tummy and the doctors had to cut them out.
***
I am back from Art Star in Philly and I am exhausted. There will be a report very soon with pictures. Thanks to everyone who came out and picked up my stuff. Thanks to Lissie who I met on Etsy who sat in the hot hot all day with me and helped me sell. Thanks to Paula Woolarina for driving and her friend Mike for the tour of South Street.
More more soon soon.
Next week, I will be at the Ballston Arts Market with the Craft Mutiny on Saturday, June 9th. Details to come.
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