After giving up weighing myself for a few days, I went to see my old friend this morning. For the briefest nanosecond, it seemed to stop on 239. But nah, up to 242 she went. This is the fun of a digital scale. It was as if she were showing me my future. I realized that I feel that if I get to 239, I will know that this new journey is for real. That I am truly on the road and won't let anything hold me back. I remember 275 was that number last time. I think of that former me and how crazy commited she was. I remember all the days of eating only a hard boikled egg and a pint of blueberries for lunch. I think of her and she makes me strong because I was her and will be her again.

So a week or so without weight loss and I am re-evaluating my work. I am fully commited at breakfast. I know this. I eat my wheat ceral and peaches and tiny wheat toast. Every morning. I even bought these tiny plates at Ikea. They are kid's plates in rad colors and are about 1/3 the size of a normal plate. I figure if it doesn't fit on the plate, then I can't eat it. I do this for breakfast and lunch. But dinner is my current problem. I was doing well when Jeff would bring Subway home every night, but that was getting expensive. So now I am trying to measure portions for things like pasta and homemade BBQ chicken. I still can't handle that a portion of tater tots is 9 tots. Last night, I counted them out, but added 5 to the 9 because I knew the girls would take at least that many off my plate. Then I noticed that Jeff had given them their own bowls of tots. So there I was with 5 illegal tots. What did I do? I ate them. And I don't even like tater tots. When the portions are controlled in a Subway 6 inch or a Lean Cuisine sandwich, this is much easier. There aren't any illegal tots to eat.

And I cringe when I read what I just wrote. This is a good thing. My opinions of eating and fat people are changing. I truly believe that when fat people say it is ok to be fat they are kidding themselves. And that a good step towards being healthy is accepting that it isn't ok to weigh 242 pounds. And I am totally there. Last night on American Idol, I saw so many overweight people. In the past I would have identified with them, even liked them BECAUSE they were fat. But I just found myself wondering what was wrong with them. What happened to them to make them treat themselves so badly. While it is not socially acceptable for me to judge anyone else, this is a good step in my own personal road to wellness. I am no longer accepting myself as I am, and thus am ready to not be here anymore.

I am finding this second weight loss adventure to be much different from the first. Much harder and much more emotional. Perhaps it is because the easy part (the first 70 pounds) is done and I am really digging deep, getting rid of the oldest fat and thus issues that I have.