I stood in the kitchen yesterday, looking out the solarium windows over the park and thought, this is my new work space. No more offices, no more desk near the printer. No more sitting and waiting for emails to tell me what to do all day.

I am a speeding train. Speeding speeding toward a new destination. Each day, I get closer to being a full time mom and I am having a hard time believing it will really happen. I met with the other twin mom who will be taking my job, her old job, back and it is strange because she is leaving where I am going. She knows my future and I know hers. I know her future of working fuill time and taking care of twins and feeling like you aren't doing a very good job with either. I always felt like I was just getting by. Not the best employee, not the best mom. And she knows my future of being home alone with twins.

I saw a little boy on the plaground this morning. One of the girls' friends who just transitioned out of the baby room. He was sitting there, surrounded by other kids playing and he looked so afraid and alone. I know that you can't keep your kids happy all the time, but seeing him sitting there made me realize that I made the right choice to stay home. I want to be there when they feel so lost.

I have been thinking a lot about how I will manage my days, my time, the girls, the mess, my 3 hours of paid work each day, making stuff, etc. It would be really easy to get stressed out about these things. But I won't. I will try not to. Instead, I have decided, my first job will be the girls. Keeping them safe and happy and interested in new things. This is my new job. All the rest will fall into place once the tiny girls are cared for. I will not sit on the couch while they play, I will not turn on the TV. I will sit on the floor and crawl around with them and schedule our days for outside time and visiting other people and places time. And I will not let myself fall into a depressed, it's 3pm and I am still wearing my jammies state. I will be proactive and my army of clones will be charming. This is what I am telling myself when I slip into worrying. I tell myself, you are hella lucky to be home with your children. You are the luckiest girl in the world. You hit the baby lottery and now you get to raise them. And there will be no depression and there will be no stress and there will be no fear.

This is my new work space.