Some people make decisions and they change their lives. Some people sit back and make as few decisions/changes as possible and this makes things stay the same. I used to be the sitter. I used to sit back and gain weight and work at the same place and not get pregnant with twins and basically wait for life to happen to me. I did this through my whole 20s. This was an easy life. But at around 30 something happened to me and I got this action bug and I have been taking my life into my own hands and moving forward and making things change.

Some changes have been out of my control. Twins for example. I could have never forseen this. I would have never imagined it. This is an example of new action Tina going in a direction I didn't imagine. This has been both wonderful and horrible at times, but in the end is a little more than wonderful because I couldn't imagine only having one child now.

Since I became this crazy decision maker a few years ago, my new motto became, "everything will always be just fine." This was true after the girls were born and my old job wasn't right anymore so I looked for a new one. I found said new one, thankfully and it has been just fine. No, it has been more than fine. It has been great. The people at my new job are so wonderful and nice and have taught me that no matter where you go in life if you take a positive attitude with you, people will respond in kind. The old me who let life happen to her would have thought that was hella lame.

There was something nagging at me, though. Something that I couldn't shake. I would sit here at work thinking of the girls. Every month, I would write the check to daycare and think about how much of my salary it was. I have never been the kind of person to care about a career, etc, so why was I worrying about it now. If I could only find a way to make that extra 3rd of my salary that daycare didn't eat up, I could stay at home with my girls.

So a few weeks ago, I did it. I just went into my boss's office and just asked. And today I was signing a contract to do 15 hours a week of contract work from home. It is a bold move that might make our financial life a little more stressful at first until I see how fast I get paid, etc. But it will free up my days to be a mom. Can you imagine that 50 years ago, women were hoping to find a way to NOT be home with their children. And here I am trying to figure out how to stay home? Isn't it true that we always want what we cannot have?

When thinking about this new decision, I have actually wondered if I am being selfish. I have wondered if in fact daycare would be better for the girls. I still wonder this. I wonder if they will miss being in a big group of kids and playing all day. I wonder if they will miss the structure of the daycare center. I wonder if I will do a better job than the teachers at daycare do. Because we have had some amazing teachers at our daycare center. I mean, really, they have taught me everything that I know. To this, Jeff says, "you are their mother." This is so strange to me because while I understand this in many ways, I still worry that I am being selfish in wanting to be home with them. I worry that I am retreating somehow. Retreating from the adult world of work. Retreating from 9 to 5. I worry that this is more for me than for them. This is risky, mostly financially. But it was a risk I thought I shoudl take. Where are we without risks?

Then there is going to be this new reality. The reality of being home with them. The reality of being a full time mom. Plus having to work 3 hours a day for my current job. I am already starting to plan my Septemeber days, ambitious things like going to the zoo and the playground and maybe even relearning to drive. Sometimes I think about how wonderful it will be to take the girls to the art gallery, but other times I think about how hard it is going to be to get them there on the metro or comfort them both when it is nap time and we are stuck somewhere weird downtown and home is miles away. This is going to be a hell of a challenge. Was this where this path was leading me all along?

So my secret is that I am going to be a full time mom. And I made it happen. And I worry it is more for me than for them. But I also see the potential for even more change this brings me. I see more time for projects and more time for fun and more time to help shape who the girls become. I know this being home isn't for everyone, hell I didn't think it was for me until very recently. But here I am and here are my fears and my change and my new adventures.