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I over ate yesterday. It felt terrible. It felt awful. But I remembered to hate the feeling and not myself. I was stressed out about having to take the girls home and deal with them alone last night while Jeff covered graduation at his school. I shouldn't have worried about it, though as it was fine. I must remember this. Everything will always be just fine.
I ran into an old friend on the way home. Mark Daley is a lovely man from the UK who has the best accent and the cutest Pug and a great smile. Oh, funny story about Mark. Ok. I met Mark on the street. That is what was great about living in our old apartment, you always met people on the street. So I met Mark on the street and we woudl always talk while walking the dogs. Then one day, I realized I knew his voice from somewhere. Mark was the WHFS Alien. Few people will remember this, but back in the 90's, our "alternative" radio station was the biggest thing here in Washington, and Mark was their weekend DJ, The WHFS Alien. So, here I was, friends with Mark the Alien, someone who I had listened to for hours and hours on the radio. Weird. So, I ran into Mark and he got to meet the girls and it was nice. I miss our old apartment in Dupont. I miss my old friends.
This morning, 249. The .5 is gone. This is amazing considering the amount of food that I ate yesterday. But it is good and I will take it. Dropping 5 pounds, I feel very comfortable here at this weight. I realized this morning that weight loss is more about wanting the feeling of being smaller and less about hating my current body or not wanting to be this size. There is just something so amazing about watching my face emerge, get all pointy and lovely. It makes you think you will never get old. LIke, I worked so hard to get this new thinner face, there is no way it could get old now. Isn't that weird to think about? Also, it isn't like I am at my max weight right now. I have prolly weighed 60 pounds more than this in my life, so being 249 is kinda easy. When I think that, I have to remember what I just wrote about being in love with the feeling of being smaller.
Yesterday, I remembered that over eating isn't about anything but emotions and will power. I was stressed out, so I wanted chocolate. I was feeling tired, so I added cheese to my taco. This is about comfort and emotions and I am stronger than that.
This morning, I walked to work by myself since the girls are home with Jeff for the holiday. This gave me time to remember another tool that used to work so well. Music. The ipod sings Mary Lou Lord and she makes me walk faster and I don't even think of going to Starbucks. I don't even think it. I am transported to a story place that doesn't involve this fat girl eating a muffin.
Things are clicking. I am remembering. I am transforming again. Emotionally , mentally. This is the first step. I hope it is the last time I will take it. Gonna go eat my strawberries. Strawberry girl.
249.5
It tried to go up to 250, but never made it. So, here I am at 249.5, Down 5 pounds from my biggest weight in the past few months. I have been avoiding Krispy Kreme. I am walking faster and skipping the bus. The weather is lovely and I am wearing my orange sneakers and moving my arms and there is blood in my veins and it is pumping. I have basically been doing this thing where I eat 20 points at one meal and 10 at the other. And then fll thegaps between meals with raisins. SO if you know weight watchers, I get 30 points a day. So, I eat a big lunch or dinner and then Subway or Lean Cuisine for the other meal. This seems to be working. I haven't gone on any binges or thought about food too much. I think I might be having a tiny victory.
We have had a good week in babyland. No sickness, some sleeping through the night, but not always. Rachi has one tooth and is working on the second! She is so proud of her tooth, too. Anya has been showing her temper a good deal, though. She likes to hit her head on things when she is mad. This drives me crazy because trying to comfort her gets you head butted. Yesterday she was so mad that she wouldn't stop shoving Cheerios in her mouth. She must have had 5 in there before I could calm her down. To this, I thought... when you are 15, that will be cupcakes and then we will have a problem.
Jeff and I are trying to find time to relax, take care of babies AND promote his new comic book. A surprising number of seamonster readers have bought it, which is so rad! I think more girls will have read it than boys so far and who would of figured that? I have always thought that there was a market for comics for women... not for women, but that women should be reading more comics. Anyway, I hope that anyone who bought it, likes it! It is shaping up to be a cool series and I almost wish that it were a tv show so that I could watch it every week and not have to wait 6 months for the next issue.
We are also still trying to figure out our living situation. The buying is just not going to happen, so we are looking at renting a bigger place that is still in the city, but a little further out. We are thinking of Glover Park. If you have a friend who has a 2 bedroom apartment for rent in Glover Park in August, let me know. For that matter, I would also like to hear from those of you with a house for rent in College Park, Takoma Park or Silver Spring. Doesn't hurt to ask, right? We are looking to spend a measely $1500-$1600 a month (less than we spend now!) Go ahead and laugh. I know it is hilarious. I just saw a 2 bedroom apartment for rent on our block for $4,000 a month. I am not kidding.
So, send me positive food vibes. I hope to keep this up by keeping my mind on other things like comic books and apartments and baby teeth. It is working this week, at least.
This is my new t-shirt design. I am hoping to replace all of my designs this year, so say hello to new design number one! I am trying something new, though. This new design is now available for PRE-ORDER! This way, if you want one, you can order now and tell me what size and color you would like. I will be doing the first run of this one in mid June and your pre-order will ship on June 26th. You can pick an adult size or a youh size, Hanes unisex t-shirt in just about any color for $11 plus $2 postage. For girlie shaped shirts, the price is $15 and you have to pick from white, black or pink American Apparell.
The shirt says, "Under extreme stress Octopi will eat their own arms" How fun is that!!!
You can place your pre-order and pre-pay on the shop page or you can email me if you would like to wait to pay.
I have already gotten 2 pre-orders for this! So exciting!
I just googled SEAMONSTER under images. I am looking for a piece of line art for a sign for tomorrow's sale at Western Market since my new printed sign isn't here yet.
Googling SEAMONSTER is slightly distressing for me because seamonsters are perhaps my greatest fear. In theory, I don't mind even perhaps like seamonsters. I like how they are portrayed in cartoons, scary and cute. I like that flavor. But the reality of something unknown under the water waiting for you is horrifying. I can't even handle those Red Lobster commericals where the water comes rolling over the screen or those Ford commercials where the SUV is getting attacked by sharks. My friend, Matt, showed me this. That poor poor polar bear. That image is from http://goflyingturtle.blogspot.com.
So, googling for seamonster images is making me a little sick. Some people out there love to draw mean mean ugly seamonsters. Eating ships and coming out of the water and just being gooey and gross and huge and green.
I wonder if I will ever get over my fear of seamonsters. I thought that if I named a website, ilikeseamonsters.com, it would help. It hasn't.
Have you googled your number one fear? Do it and tell me what you get.
I was interviewed for this interesting article in the Wall Street Journal, recently. The cool thing about it is that the reporter got to me by Googling and found that I had complained about Ikea on my blog. Journalists are so lucky to have Google to find people now. Anyway, here is the article where I bitch about Ikea's online shopping:
Despite Growth of E-Commerce, Some Retailers Remain Offline
Another thing, I will be selling stuff at Western Market this Saturday. Say Seaweed and get $1 off your purchase. I am sharing a table with fellow DC Craft Mafia members, so come and check us out! The market is from noon until 5 or so on 18th Street at Marie Reed (where Crafty Bastards was last year). Speaking of which, Crafty Bastards is accepting applications for this year's fair, whoohoo! Check out http://www.washingtoncitypaper.com/craftybastards/. I plan to have a whole new line of t-shirts. No old sayings! All new!!!
So, if you plan to come to Western Market and know of something that you want to buy, email (tina@ilikeseamonsters.com) me because I will not be bringing everything as to not crowd the other ladies and their cool stuff.
Jeff and I have always had projects. In the past they were together. We always worked well together on our old zine Restaurant Fuel as well as our little indie record label, Hub City. These projects were great because we had a common goal, but there was always something missing. I think that missing ingredient was ownership. In the past few years, I started ilikeseamonsters the blog and the store and Jeff started writing his own blog as well as other projects, the coolest of which is his comic book, "The Alberic Heresies." The book is a project with his longtime friend, Jake.
“The Alberic Heresies” is an ongoing serialized graphic novel that addresses the religious politics of George W. Bush’s America while paying homage to the great “mature” DC Comics of the 1980’s. It follows a centuries-old Templar Knight and his modern companions as they seek to unravel a conspiracy to bring about the fundamentalist Christian vision of Armageddon.
In the series debut, Alberic de Santos arrives in Washington, D.C. in search of a prophecy. As agents of the Splendid Military Corporation of America move against him, a librarian and a bicycle courier are swept into his world. The series is written by Jeff and illustrated by Jacob Warrenfeltz.
I am so happy that Jeff and I figured this out. That we need separate projects for our separate talents. Because I am sure I would have never written a comic book (but seeing the finished printed book is making me think again).
I have added this first issue to the I Like Seamonsters store, but if you would like a copy for review, send me an email with information on where you review comics or coolness. Buy the comic now!
Sorry if this is a weird thing to post here, but this is the excitement that is going on in our house this week.
Walking to work this morning, I relearn the fast walk of one who wants to smallen. Huff huff huff, I move my arms to get the blood moving. After a nasty case of stomach flu, I was down 7 pounds last week. I could feel the extra energy that down 7 pounds means. Not the best, ok the worst! way to drop the pounds, but I will take it.
A week later and I am back up the whole 7 pounds. I am dragging. My thighs are huge and I feel sad and slothy. Now that the sickness is over (all of us got it, whoohoo!). I get back to my point counting in earnst. I wonder how many times I will have to "get back to it" before it sticks. Before it becomes my religion again. Before it gets deep into my bones and won't let go. Last week, we were almost there. Almost there until the stomach flu took food away for 3 days and then I wanted to eat and eat and eat.
This is all just numbers, I tell myself. Weight loss, health. It is just numbers. This isn't about emotions, I tell myself. This is math. This is accounting. This is paying the bills. I am paying my body to run. I am filling the tank. This is just math, I tell myself again as my orange sneaker hits the pavement and I quicken my pace. Math, math math.
Of course, this is not true. Eating is about emotions and stress. I knew this while eating a rice crispy treat at 2 am. Rachel in her highchair saying babababababa and playing, me with the rice crispy treat and cherry coke. I want to be asleep, but Rachel doesn't and so I eat to not worry about it. I eat the last one, thankfully, and vow there will be no more.
So today, eating is about math. Lean Cuisine rice bowl = 6 points or 280 calories. Raisins = 2 points. Smoothie = 7 points. Strawberries, tiny cheese, diet dr. pepper. They are all numbers. There are other numbers and they are forbidden. Burrito, 24 points! I close my eyes and think about how my body can't afford these numbers. I close my eyes and feel my muscles work.
I close my eyes and know that 6 or 10 months from now the scale will free me from this math. I could be done. If I work hard today and tomorrow and every day for the next 200 days, I could be free. The could is the problem. I should say will, but I won't fool myself.
As I write about the math, I am thinking of brownies. It is sad, but true. I wish I had blogged at this stage in my last weight loss journey, but for some reason I didn't start writing until I was baout 40 pounds gone. I don't even remember how I got there now.
My hope is that I can remember how it felt to be down 7 pounds and how 20 or 30 or 50! pounds would feel so great. All the pretty numbers. They are my new path.
The best thing about my girls are their senses of humor. I kinda pride myself (me and Jeff) on the fact that we have made a household that encourages laughter and play. I know it is still early on and we might all get caught up with being adults sometime soon, but so far our house is full of fun. I think these pictures totally show this:
What was supposed to be a "sit here for grandma and get your picture taken" session turned into hysterical laughter and attempts to get the camera. Anya is on the left, Rachel on the right.
The girls have been sleeping the night for the past 3 nights or so. Anya in our bed, Rachel in her crib next to me. Rachel sometimes wakes up and asks to come to bed with us, though. Anya has actually surprised me by waking up, looking around with her bed hair everywhere and immediately beginning to clap. It is as if she is saying, "yeah! morning." They both like to snuggle up next to one of us while sleeping, but never each other. They are much rougher with each other when it comes to hugging, which is strange. We are sleeping from 10 until 6 now and it is nice, super nice.
After nearly a year away, Jeff and I have launched the second season of the "I LIke Seamonsters/Restaurant Fuel" podcast.
Download it here: "Tales of Twin Terrors"
Subscribe: Podcast feed (copy link and paste into iTunes, iPodder, etc.)
http://www.restaurantfuel.com/podcast/podcast.xml
Supplemental to the podcast, here is a picture of what Anya does with her feet. Usually she would make sure her feet and toes were covered by a dress, though. Perhaps her feet are just cold.
One thing that bothered me about getting a new job was that I knew I wouldn't see my street grandma anymore. I thought about sending her a card to let her know where I went. I worried that she might be worried about me, the way I worry about people who I suddenly don't see anymore (there are longtime friends in this category!). Lydia's address just sat in my wallet, though, all folded up. It never stirred. I took the girls to my old work last week, hoping I would see Lydia in her usual spot, but she wasn't there.
Then yesterday, I am walking to Jeff's work to meet him to get the girls. And there is Lydia walking toward me. I wonder if she will remember me. I secretly hope she won't so that I don't feel guilty about not having let her know I was moving jobs and thus routes and haunts. She is all smiles as she walks up to me. She is so happy to see me. She is wearing a black shirt and hoses and shoes. She carries a purse. She looks like she is going home from work. Her tanned face tells me that she is. Her work is just on the street with a cup and a smile, rather than at a desk. I apologize for disappearing, but she isn't upset. I tell her my mother worried that I wouldn't see her anymore. She asks me how my mother is, as if she knows her. She asks me about the babies and my new job and then she says, "How are you?" motioning a little to my waist. She wants to know if I am dropping the pounds. We talk about this and she says I can do it if she can. She is as thin as a rail, so I am not sure what she is talking about. She tells me she saw her nephew and I ask how he is because I secretly wonder if he exists. She says, "as mean as ever." Then she tells me about how she has a brand new great niece named Kayla and that the nurses brought her to her. She points to the pictures of the girls that I just gave her and says, "she is a great niece like your girls are."
I give her my card and tell her we can have lunch at the circle next week. To this she says she will save her dollars. I tell her that I will pay, but she is not having it. I decide that if she insists on paying for herself or heaven forbid, me too, I will put a $10 in an envelope and mail it to her apartment with no note or return address. I think about how I should be doing this anyway once in a while. Lydia says she is still in her apartment, which I hope is true. She tells me she needs to get a new language. I say, "Spanish." She says, "Russian." And that she wants to buy a laptop. I wonder if she even knows about the internet. I suggest that she go to the library to use a computer there, but she ignores this advice and goes on about how much a laptop would costs. And I couldn't imagine panhandling a thousand dollars one at a time to buy anything.
I wonder why Lydia is on this street today, so far from her usual spaces. She says that something told her to come here today. There are forces at work here that I don't understand. I like these forces. They brought me my Lydia. On a new street.
The top search term for my website this month so far is boogie management. How the hell does that happen? Who googles that? What is the weirdest thing you have googled? Another month, this phrase came up in my list of searches, "under extreme stress, an octopus will eat off his own arms." I made that into a T-shirt last night.
In arty news, I will be selling my silliness at University of Maryland's Art Attack on Friday, May 5th. Art Attack is an all day art fair on the Mall of the College Park campus. I went to UMCP, so it will be exciting to go back and hang out. My lovely friend, Edie, is coming to help out and Leah from Nanobonbon will also be sharing our table. Leah is actually a fellow member of the new DC Craft Mafia. I will also be selling my stuff at Western Market on May 20th. More on that later. If you read the blog, you can get $1 off any purchase by saying SEAWEED when buying. This lets me know you read the blog and thus know all my secrets. It is also nice to meet fellow seamonsters.
In life news, we have mice who won't die. We put out all kinds of traps and get nothing. Archie only killed one accidently because it was in his food bowl. To this, we like to scream, "THERE IS A MOUSE IN MY MOUTH!" Days after this happened, we are still telling Rachel about it and she laughs big.
First day
I am still sick when I arrive in Long Beach for my first ever trip for work. My head hurts and I am pale and coughing. I check into my hotel where I am told with some surprise that I am a VIP and that my room is on the 15th floor. Rad, I say. It takes me minutes to dump my things and head out to the convention center. All of my co-workers have been here for days, so I feel like I need to get there as soon as possible. I know the convention center is nearly a mile away, but I start to walk it anyway. I am a walker and thus will walk. The sun beats down on my navy blue IT polo shirt and the palm trees provide no cover at all. It is hot and it is California and I am glad I took this job. I am experiencing something new and thus more alive than before and thus will be a better mother when I get home. The new surroundings are making me long for Jeff and our trip to London. I have never traveled without Jeff before and I am feeling a little strange about this. This won’t be the first time I feel this on this sunny day.
I am looking at my watch and wanting to just be at work already. I don’t want anyone to think I am slacking, so I sit at the passport bus stop and wait. I have no idea how much further the convention center is, so I give up and wait for the bus.
The convention center is huge with escalators only in the center. This makes this fat girl have to decide if she should take the stairs or walk the length to get upstairs. My knees hate stairs, so I always decide to walk the length. This gets my muscles working and my heart beating. I haven’t felt this way since I could still exercise before I got pregnant.
My first day ends an hour early as a supervisor looks at me with pity and tells me to get a nap. I do this. I put on my jimjams at 4 pm and I try to sleep. Far away, Jeff calls me and I pang a little and the babies are missed. I have to say that I miss Jeff more, but that makes sense because I have known him for longer. My brother and his gal and dog are on their way to visit me. I haven’t seen Mike in nearly two months and while I am excited he is driving up from San Diego, I need to sleep. I need to sleep sleep sleep. Mike calls to let me know when he is an hour away and I mumble to him and I am not very engaging. I fear this will be what our visit is like. I am right. He looks thin and the dog is barely noticed (4 pounds, so small). He and Sarah look happy though and they drive a new silver car and I get dressed and we all ride out into the California night. Long Beach is cold and not very dog friendly so we get take out and head back to my hotel room where I worry about the little dog making messes and then I promptly spill a coke all over my hotel room floor. Thank you scotch guard. Mike and Sarah and Nilla stay the night and I am told I talk in my sleep. At one point they ask me if I am awake and I reply, “clouds.” It is nice to see my brother and I fear that he may be a little homesick, but I try to not encourage it because he is the first in our family to escape Washington, DC and I admire him for it.
Second day
I crank open my window to see there is no screen. What kind of world lives without screens? I suppose there are no bugs, here. And the window is too thin to jump out. So, no screens. The rain is tiny and barley touches me. I am on the 15th floor, so I stick my head out the screenlessness and touch the rain with my nose and eyes. Below is a pool which is not pool shaped, but more hat shaped. The underwater lights make it cloudy and foggy and made of soup. The lights from the harbor are tiny tiny and to me they say ta ta ta ta. And they sprinkle off the water. Ta ta ta ta. I try to look into other windows to the left, but no one is home. 10pm. Lights are on in some rooms, but no one is home. I am hoping to see a coworker, really, but nothing. They are all still dancing somewhere or eating chicken from sticks and talking loudly in dark rooms.
Third Day
I have a new friend today. I didn’t expect it. I don’t fish for new friends, so I usually don’t catch them. But today, I have a new friend and it is nice. I remember the last time I got a new friend at work. Her name was Eileen and she changed my life. Isn’t it great how that can happen? My new friend’s name is Megan and we have tickets to see David Sedaris speak at the theater attached to our convention center. I don’t know where this is, but I call Megan and she says the sign across from her hotel says “David Sedaris Tonight” and I laugh. Must be the place. We put on non-convention clothes and take our seats in the balcony and get ready to laugh. The people are a nice mix and it is nice to see different kinds of people for a change. It is nice to take some time away from these longs days of work at day, reception at night. Our schedule says we are free so we take the time and make the most of it. Mr. Sedaris is hilarious. He is nice and funny and very good at what he does. I have to say I only didn’t like one thing that he read and that was a fiction piece about animals. I really love his real life stuff much much better. We laugh our bums off and I have to pee the whole time, but don’t dare miss a minute of it. This reminds me of my goals and book and how someday I will make something of myself if I am lucky.
Fourth Day
Work, work, work. Gala dinner where I have to get dressed up. More chicken on sticks and fried wonton and a little bit of wine even though I don’t drink and it tastes terrible.
Going home
My days here have been long. Without many actual assignments, I found myself running from one location to the next, asking if anyone needed anything. I am officially part of the IT group at my job, but without much in the way of IT skillz, the IT boys kept sending me away. The reality is that I DO have some IT skillz that said IT boys aren’t aware of. So, I found myself running the length of the Long Beach Convention Center over and over and over once more. I started to get hella joy out of watching my Campers as they stepped down on the carpet that looked like waves. I got coffee and water for people who didn’t ask; people who looked like they were working harder than me. I made signs, I searched for people in giant exhibit halls. I made friends. After a few days of this, I decided I would park
myself at the registration booth and learn that. This wasn’t fascinating, but it made the days go by faster.
My final day, I went to the Aquarium of the Pacific, where I saw an octopus hide in a cave. Poor guy must hate being looked at all day. I wonder if octopi are as smart as apes. I bet they are. This octopus had lots of toys in his tank. A puzzle ball and a Mr. Potato Head. The sign said he likes the Mr. Potato Head the best. I pet some sting rays with some little kids. It is always me and the little kids petting the sting ray. Is it sting ray or sting rays? These were much larger than the one I pet in the London Aquarium. These guys also almost jumped out of the tank when they came up to you. They seemed over eager to be pet. What makes them this way, I wonder out loud to a little red-haired boy. Why do they jump at us, I ask? Maybe he wants to kiss us, the boy says. Sting Ray Kisses, I think. What a great band name.
My flight is uneventful and I arrive home to a daddy in his South Park pajama pants. He is holding a Rachel, who looks sleepy until she sees it is me. She lights up and it dawns on her who I am. Anya is plumper than I remember and asleep and looks like a painting of a baby hundreds of years ago. Rachel has learned to crawl while I was away. She is fast and follows me all over the apartment. Awake, we are all twinkle-eyed and sleepy still. We made it and our adventure continues.
My journeys have been two and very difficult. It is Monday and thus time to start a fresh with the pound dropping. Today I weigh 253 pounds. I am back from Long Beach (more on that later) and thus back to my time zone and baby zone and all of my zones. This includes food. This includes me thinking of hazelnut candies and not buying any. This includes me planning my meals and then eating something worse when the plan falls through. Cranberry orange muffin for breakfast= 8 points. Could have been Krispy Kreme, but I resisted. Lunch was to rekindle my love affair with Subway, but instead I ate a chicken gyro. Could have been worse, could have been a burrito. And so on and so on and I need to remember it is ok to be hungry. And I need to remember when I used to worry I would get too thin. I need to remember how wonderful it was to unearth bones. My bones. Under fat. Under fear.
I think about how there are thousands of people out there starting one of my journeys. STARTING!!! I couldn't imagine it. I couldn't imagine weighing 310 pounds and learning how to eat right. I couldn't imagine giving birth to twins again. And there are some of you out there, many of you out there who might be doing one of these things right now. You just found out you are having twins, so you google it. BLOG TWINS 15 weeks. You are in my thoughts. You are my rocks today. You will remind me that I don't want to eat the hazelnut candies. You will remind me of me.
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