have i mentioned, this is hard?
I feel like I used to write with such hope. I think I was emotionally 10 years younger when I was pregnant. And before, oh my! I feel like I have aged and aged and aged in these past 9 months. My body gets older and fatter! and my pink hair grows out and I have no time to not wear dirty clothes and I wonder if I can ever be the other me. The me before the babies seems so distant. I don't want to give her up, though. I think of her often. I see her in the glass of a building. I wear big sunglasses so that no one will notice this new me still pretending to be the old her. I think that something will kick me into gear. Something will give me the will?, power?, time? to get myself back. I think a new hair color might do it. I will ponder this. Green? Aqua? Purple?
We have been bogged down with illnesses again. Mine and Anya's mostly. We are sick girls. Ear infections and possible pneumonia for her. Shortness of breath and toothache for me. After a CT scan and a blood test, we find out that I am anemic, which is easy to fix. I keep losing and finding the same four pounds and I am happy with this since I am not finding more.
This is what real motherhood looks like.
Real motherhood's arms are fat and eyes are tired. Real motherhood is a mixed bag of 'what the hell was I thinking?" and "man, these children are amazing."
Sometimes I look at the singletons at daycare and think about how sad it must be for them to go home to just parents!!! But then there are stolen moments when it is just me and Rachel and we laugh and laugh and it is magic and the idea of one baby is so appealing. I wonder sometimes at what point to twin parents stop thinking this way.
We dressed the girls in matching outfits for Easter. I don't believe in Easter, but I thought it would be nice for the grandparents. It is good karma to be nice to grandparents. The outfits were different, but the same. Rachel in pants and Anya in a dress. I always think this way about them. If someone is going to wear pants, it should be Rachel. I wonder if this is me or something about her?
Rachel can crawl now. For real. It is so scary and lovely. She can also stand on her feet when you hold her up. Anya tries to jump when you stand her up. She also does this little Anya dance all the time. They are so different. It makes you realize that cloning is pretty silly. You will never get the same person when you clone. My clones are living proof.
Comments
Hey Tina!
Found your blog on the reunion website last night and I've been reading it ever since. Now I feel like I'm all caught up with you! I'd love to chat with you more later, but more related to your posting - I found that when my son turned 3, I started feeling less like a "mommy-fied" zombie, and more like the old me. I know that seems a long time to wait, but I think it's really related to your children's level of dependence on you, and how much sleep you are getting! I know about half of what you are feeling right now, since I have only one baby, 1 1/2 yr old daughter, and I'm still always wearing dirty clothes with a too grown out haircut and months-old chipped toenail polish. My clothes are clean in the morning at least, but at the end of the day I look like I've been the one eating macaroni and cheese with both hands and wiping them on my chest! The upnote? At the end of this baby time, you will emerge, an older, more beautiful, wiser, more confident, and, most important of all, with a deeper and richer soul and a infinitely greater capacity for love than you ever had before. In just three years! That doesn't sound so bad, does it?
Posted by: Michele Moller | April 20, 2006 1:15 AM
They are just beautiful! Even though I have my boys (and they are living proof of how fast time goes), I still can't believe how big your girls are getting! I was just thinking yesterday how twin moms are lucky in the fact that we can let them entertain each other. I think I may actually have a few guilt-free moments when I'm doing laundry, cleaning, etc. and not spending all of my time with them since they have each other.
Posted by: jen | April 20, 2006 8:07 AM
I heart you and miss you. You will survive, even thrive in this situation. I was listening to an ilikeseamonsters mix TAPE you made me last night and this morning. I heart it, and wish I had it on CD so I could listen to it on my ipod.
please be well, and know that you have people who read you, know you, miss you. Be good to yourself. Any thought of happy meds? That you you liked? She's still there.
Posted by: leenimator | April 20, 2006 9:42 AM
Michele is right, you are just really tired right now. You have your hands very full with 2 cuties growing very fast and working. You will always be you. Just take each day as it comes and remember there is light at the end of the tunnel, they will become more independent and you will have time for you again. Bright blessings
Posted by: Pagan | April 30, 2006 3:53 PM