sleep and dreams
i am greedy. i am greedy for sleep and dreams. even nightmares. i want um. give me some nightmares. my eyes are heavy today, i can feel them sitting in there, all ... heavy and slightly worthless. i couldn't carry the bags under my eyes a block. they are so big and warm. my old ma (great grandma) had these amazing bags and dark circles under her eyes. i used to stare at them all the time. she had 19 kids. now i understand, as i only have two and i look old and tired and sad.
time to sleep and dream. i sing this to the girls. we both sing it now. this song. "now its time to sleep and dream and sleep and dream, cause sleep is what we do." we break this one out when we are in the last stages of falling sleep. i usually start and jeff chimes in and we sing it until it frelling works. rachel likes to put her mouth on my mouth as i sing this. it is strange, but comforting. i call it sleep kisses, and she loves do it so i let her.
i write this and my eyes feel hot with tears. i love my babies, but i am feeling negative about parenthood today. parenthood is a war to feel normal again even though you know you never will. you will at some point accept the new normal and move on. but i haven't accepted it yet, as i am still greedy for sleep and dreams. i am still tired of this achy back. i am still sick of not dropping these pounds. and i just want an hour to myself, except i would use it to sleep and thus waste it.
nearly 8 months, this war has seemed so long. i know it will be easier soon. it has got to get easier. it will get easier. i know it. i know it. i know it.
Comments
You have to put yourself first, if you get an hour,sleep!. Housework etc will still be there. You will be a better person for it and will be more resistant to those horrid bugs.
Glad to hear you are all feeling better
Posted by: Pagan | March 22, 2006 3:20 PM
thanks pagan! i hope you and grace are doing well! housework! haha. i can't even do that. every minute is feeding a baby or changing a baby or giving a baby asthma treatment. we don't even have time for housework. hehe. it is just all about keeping babies clean and happy.
Posted by: tina the seamonster | March 22, 2006 4:13 PM
Poor thing. I went thru this with one kid, can only imagine what two must feel like. It's normal....it sucks the big one, but it's normal. What worked for me? I slept every time the baby did. Hang in there.
Posted by: Wendy | March 22, 2006 4:39 PM
It starts to get better as they get older. After about 12/16 mths, Kieran started to become more self sufficient and communicated effectively.
You're girls should start communicating soon (and if you have't started already, you could teach them some hand signs : they usually start using them at 9mths and they make like so easy when determining what the baby wants) and that alone will start to make like seem easier.
But, yeah, I hear ya on the tired thing.
Posted by: mamaloo | March 22, 2006 4:53 PM
dear tina, we have been sick and sick and sick the whole winter. then i decided to organize help. now, a student nurse from a nearby children's hospital "interns" at our place once a week. it is part of her education so we don't have to pay her very much (as we couldn't afford it otherwise). and she is so professional and quick - feeding, bathing, diaper changing, pushing the babycart. and she loves the boys. i recommend it to you. think about it. twin parents deserve help. greetings from germany.
Posted by: karoline | March 23, 2006 9:22 AM
oh karoline! i have wondered how you are doing. i am so sorry to hear you have been sick. yes. we do need help. us twin mommies. i am so glad that you figured something out. how old are you boys? i want to send you a present.
Posted by: tina the seamonster | March 23, 2006 10:54 AM
hey tina,
i was just having a walk with a friend that was in my birthing class. just some good ole' adult interaction, ya know? her son, 5 months and doesn't sleep, at all. maybe an hour at a time. i think we both just needed to be around someone else even if we did nothing. we talked about feeling like we look old. grey hair shedding *everywhere*, the dark circles, bad skin, constantly smelling like spit up and doing endless loads of laundry on top of everything else and work. her dad keeps getting on her about losing the baby weight as if that is helpful. the overwhelming desire to strangle something, like a pillow, by the end of the day. and the way we secretly sometimes resent our husbands for not having to juggle everything at once *all* the time...even if they are as close to saintly as possible.
we are all going through this and i think there is at least a bit of comfort in that.
i can't imagine it doubled,but i do hear that twins entertain each other once they are a bit older...a never ending playdate, if you will! soon, soon, soon.
you are doing a great job. i wanna cry sometimes and i only have one little monkey and zero hospital visits to deal with. it's a never ending rollercoaster. i have no idea how i was ever able to waste so much time before i became a mom.
soon it will be spring and at the very least that wonderful sun and fresh air will make us all feel a little better!
Posted by: suzy | March 23, 2006 2:04 PM
I know just how you feel, my sons are 4 and 5 now and we just had a weekend away for a friends wedding. OMG it was the best time. Just feeling like a human instead of a machine for a few hours. We have two days in Paris coming up when we drop the boys off at hubby's parents house..I CAN NOT WAIT and I LOVE my kids...but man those hours of freedom. It WILL get better you have all been ill and ill and ill it is so much harder when they are little and the illness doesn't go away. Thinking of you and sending settled happy vibes.
Posted by: Samski | March 23, 2006 2:17 PM
god I wish I were there to help. Just to talk about your eyebags or hold a baby or talk adult talk. I can't imagine this. It sounds truly horrid, this never ending exhaustion and babycare and wondering where your new normal will be.
I heart you! and miss you
eileen
Posted by: eileen | March 23, 2006 9:10 PM
yes dear Tina, it will get easier. I too remember those moments of resentment, of wanting just a piece of myself back. Now I say- "go take a shower" and they do-- all by themselves! and they are my favorite people. I look back on those mind-sucking baby moments with fondness.....absorb what you can dear and know that someday you will feel sane again. hang in there
Posted by: reenie | March 23, 2006 10:33 PM