My addiction to food is like a tidal wave. I can see it building, far off in the distance. And it comes and it gets bigger and bigger and I watch it with awe because it is massive. And there is this point where I could escape, but I don't. I wait for it and it washes over me and I eat the whole package of hazelnut candies.

This happened to me this week, this tidal wave. Yes, I am addicted to food and yes, I have been overeating and yes I have felt terrible about it. Monday I took the bus to work so that I wouldn't pass either of two Starbucks or the Krispy Kreme. Tuesday I realized that was stupid because if I walked to work, I could actually eat something. Enter me in the Krispy Kreme walking out with TWO donuts. I don't even like Krispy Kreme. You eat it and it sits in your stomach like a sickingly sweet lump. Wednesday I walked to work and got Starbuck low fat muffin for breakfast on the way. Getting better, right? Today I walked to work, picking up my slothy pace and didn't stop anywhere for breakfast. But I just broke down and ate 3 swedish fish. Not many calories, but still gross and fat girl behavior.

Why I am telling you this? The first step to healing an addiction is being honest about it. So here I am. I won't even tell you what I ate for lunches these days (gyros and fish and chips and burritos, oh my!). But I will tell you that I had Subway for dinner each night. This is why I have dropped two pounds this week.

Let's recap this for anyone who didn't read the blog during my first weight loss adventure. I used to weigh more than 300 pounds. I don't know how much more because I didn't have a scale that went up high enough. I was gigantic. Over the course of 14 months I lost over 70 maybe 80 pounds. It was hard. But it was life changing. I went from a size 28 to a size 16. The day I got pregnant I weighed 224 pounds, still plump, but healthy and happy. At that weight, I actually felt hella skinny. Weird. I did all of this with increased exercise and less food. I didn't starve myself.

Then I got pregnant with twins. I should have lost 50 more pounds first, but I could not imagine myself being that small and the hubby wondered if we would ever have kids so we decided to get pregnant. The day I gave birth, I weighed 310 pounds. And so it began again, the pounds had to come off. Some shots in the butt to make me pee out extra water weight helped. By the time the girls were 4 months old, I was down to 243. Not bad for 4 months.

Enter the tidal wave. It brings with it all kinds of fun. Like rocky road ice cream and easter candy and nachos and all the things that I love. It is ok to eat these things if you are just getting a taste, but when you eat and eat and eat until there is no more than there is a problem. This is classic fat girl behavior. This is classic food addiction. This packs on the pounds fast.

So on Monday I weighed 254.5. My knees were starting to hurt and my tummy was starting to pull at my c-section scar. I know, gross! Something had to be done. I am preparing myself mentally for this new journey. The more I think about it, the more I realize that all I need to do to feel better is lose 30 pounds. How hard is that? 30 pounds equals 15 weeks. So easy! When I drop 30 pounds, I will be back to my pre baby weight and at that point I will decide if I should continue with this. But for now, I just keep thinking of the 30 pounds. And how my heart will feel better and my knees will work right and these sized 20 pants will be replaced with the 16 again.

Rereading this post, I think about what the fat positive movement would say about me and my dreams of being smaller. I saw Marilyn Wann, fat activist on the Today Show this morning and she looked so huge. I mean, just huge. She kept saying she was healthy and skinny is ugly and she eats her veggies. The story was about how America hates fat women and how they make 20 percent less money than other women. This is such a touchy subject with me. I hate the fat positive movement, but don't want anyone to judge me for my weight. I agree with them because I think that we should love our bodies no matter what we look like and I have always felt beautiful as a big girl. But there is a difference between fat and obese. I have said this before. At 250, I feel obese. This number is different for everyone. After I drop 30 pounds, I am going to feel soooo great! But 230 is obese for someone else. And the whole thing about fat women making less money is just silly to me. That isn't about fat women, that is about women with low self-esteem. I am a fat women who has always had good jobs and salaries and I think it is because I am positive and present myself as an emotionally healthy person even when I wasn't. So it isn't relaly about weight but about how you present yourself.

So, the fat positive movement drives me crazy. But I know it is a reaction to the totally messed up culture of thin that is America. But it still drives me crazy and I think it gives girls an excuse to not be healthy.

The wave has passed and I am getting out of the water. I will watch the waves from far up on the beach. I will not let them crash down on me again. At least this is my hope. I have failed many times in the past 4 months. But I hope this time it is different. A friend of mine who is losing weight worried about writing about it because she didn't want a "fat girl" blog. Screw that. There is nothing wrong with a fat girl blog even though I understand her concerns. Welcome to my fat girl blog. I don't expect everyone to understand or take this journey with me. I know I might be going over old territory, but I need to do it, so this is me and I am it.