This was written before our holiday hospital and pneumonia fun began. more soon on that.....

December is run running away from us and soon we will be 5 months old. I say we because I, too, am 5 months new. There is a newish me that I have been ignoring or perhaps too busy to see. She is a windmill. She goes round and round and never stops and creates energy all around her.

We 5 month old girls are changing like mad and this is perhaps the saddest and most glorious part of parenthood. Everyday you meet a new person. Everyday you miss the old one. Everyday you watch someone change and so there is loss and gain and it happens and happens and happens and you can't stop it. And you wouldn't want to stop it even if you could. I don't see my girls as babies anymore. I see them as fully formed little ladies. Little people. And they are such different little people. Rachel's babbling has turned to all out screeching. This is for happy or upset and it is both endearing and horrible at the same time. She opens her little mouth as wide as she can and out comes this monkey yell. Out comes the yell and then her lips turn into a smile. She loves this game. She has also discovered her feet. See:

Anya was looking up at me the other day and once again, I felt like I was seeing a future Anya. I see future Anya's all over the place. In the mirror, in photos of myself. But here she was, all real, right there. She was looking at me with such intelligence that I thought she looks like she is four years old. It is in these moments when I couldn't imagine only having one child. Who would I pick? I couldn't imagine it. Being a mom of twins is a constant battle because the reality of how hard this is and not ever wanting to think of having just one child.

My life used to be this unending cycle of looking forward to things. Movies and books and records and trips and shoes and art shows and all kinds of things. With two babies, I sometimes miss those other things. I sometimes think, what do I have to look forward to? It is easy to get stuck in the moment and think you will have two 4 month olds forever. But really, being a parent is this giant ball of looking forward. Some day, Anya WILL be four. And we will have the greatest conversations. Until then, I am enjoying right here. But I know, the time between 4 months and 4 years is mere minutes, really.

(anya is her vintage baby dress (from cousin, serene), which i turned into a sweater.)