Today is my first day away from my girls, ie, my first day back at work.

Am I sad? A little. Not terribly so. Does that make me a bad mom? I don't think so. I have to say that I am more sad for me than for them. When we left them at the daycare this morning, Anya was smiling big and Rachel was a bit cautious. Which means they were being themselves.

There are 8 babies including mine in the room of the daycare where my girls are. All of the other 8 are crawlers. And when I left this morning, Anya was being wowed by all the babies crawling around her. I think she is going to have the best best time. When I went in to visit them at lunchtime, Anya had ink on her face from the piece of tape stuck to her bib with ANYA written on it in marker. Rachel, too. They looked like little coal miners. The teachers immediately washed their faces off as if I would freak out about it.

My choice to send my girls to daycare was not an easy one to make. But it is mine and I am living with it and in no way does it have to be forever. I keep thinking that dropping off just one baby would have been so much harder. I don't know why that is. Perhaps it is because I know that in the end, each girl has their sister with her. And someday, whether it is when they are 8 or 13 or 25, their primary relationship isn't going to be with me or Jeff. It is going to be with their sister. For some reason this makes me feel better about our current situation. But maybe I am just making excuses and trying to push the guilt away.

Eileen once said to me: "no matter what, you are still their mother." This was in reference to the breastfeeding situation. When leaving them this morning, I heard her say it again. No matter what, you are still their mother. I find comfort in that.

On my way to visit them at daycare at lunch time, I found myself on the giant giant escalator at the Dupont Circle Metro. It went on forever and my ipod was singing singing to me and the October air was coming cold down that giant wind tunnel. It hit my face and I shuttered and felt in love with the air. I thought about how 20 years from now Anya or Rachel will be taking the same escalator to work or to who knows where. It made me realize how much I missed being stimulated by the world these past few months and how I need to make sure that my girls never ever lack in that regard. It also made me remember what it is like to be an individual. And if going back to work helps me to feel that way again, I think it is so good for me and for the girls.

This whole mom thing has been hard. Sometimes I yearn to know what it would have been like with just one baby. What decisions I would have made differently. What things would have been different. I am sure all moms of twins think this way. For now, I think I need to stop feeling like a mother of twins and start thinking in terms of being a mom to one little girl named Rachel and one little girl named Anya. That way they get on the path to being individuals, too.