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Just a note, while I am still working on the redesign for this page, I did add more items to the store this weekend (which you would think to check if this page had a link to it!). Anyway... swim here for the store.
We are so easily amused. Edie and I. We are. After dressing up Rachel and Anya in their Halloween costumes, we proceeded to prop them up like this on the couch. Then we giggled and laughed and laughed. They are supposed to be dragons, but they might be dinosaurs. Anya's suit is a bit too big, too. So she might just be a baby in a too big dragon suit.
I have not had dry hair in days and in this kinda wintery Washington autumn, that is not a good thing. I just took it out of a pig tail to find it slightly frozen in places. I have worn the same jeans for three days. I am not minding it much, they fit well and I barely smell bad. After days of feeling fevery baby heads, I put my hand to my own forehead. I am surprised by it's size and warmth. I suppose I am sick. Rachel had a fever yesterday, so we took turns staying home with her. Half the day for me, half the day for Jeff. During my half day at work, I did what I thought was something pretty important, but I kept worrying about Rachel at home. To tell you the truth, it was actually more sad to think of Anya at daycare without her sister. But when I went to pick her up, she was all smiles. Smile Time is the new nickname that Jeff has given her.
Smile Time has found her thumb and we are so happy. The only bad thing is that her thumb is so tiny that it barely makes her feel better. So we find her with her thumb and half of her hand in her mouth. I know that some parents are anti thumb sucking. But with twins, anything to make them able to calm themselves is cool. Smile Time also found her diaper this morning. Her little fingers grasped that tab and as she was about to pull it off, she looked at me as if to ask. I said, no, but laughed. To this she laughed, too. Smile Time is going to be pulling off her diaper soon. Oh, the fun we will have.
The girls are now sleeping in the co-sleeper attached to our bed. One used to sleep in this kind of tray or bin between us. But the bigger she got, the more she would slide out. Now, our bed is baby-less. This is kinda sad because I am not waking up to see little eyes looking back at me. I sorta can't wait until they are big enough to cuddle together between us for naps and such. Until then, I am taking the opportunity to find Jeff in the middle of the night and sleep close close close. This is something that I yearned for during my pregnancy, but something my giant tummy did not allow. I thought about it at 3 in the morning. About how I need to take every opportunity that I have to enjoy Jeff and the girls. Before I got pregnant, I didn't do this. I didn't try to enjoy every minute of life. I wasted a lot of time.
On my walk to work this morning, with my frozen pink hair like a dessert on my head, I thought about all the time I have wasted in the past ten years. Now with kids, It is important how I spend every moment. Every moment is a decision made. Every moment is an opportunity to change the lives of others. Every thing I do is important now to some little one or another. I have to think about that whenever I am lamenting that I don't have time for me.
Being a new mom is like being a super hero. A secret super hero. A secret star. Just walking down the street. No one knows it. I am the only one. I want to walk up to suity strangers and whisper.... "i have babies. yes, babies. two of them." Yes, I want to whisper to suity strangers.
I have been remembery today. My mind has been flash flashing. Remembering all these moments in my life. Synapses misfiring or something. And then I am eating a free lunch because I got on a scary rollercoaster. And then I am thinking a boyfriend will make a great dad someday. And then Jeff and I are in the aquarium in London. And then I am watching my grandfather in the garden. And then his eyes when he was dying. So afriad. Is this what makes us human? This ability to recall and rec all and Re Call. I bet the apes can do it, too.
Rachel thinks you are smiling whenever you open your mouth. Even when you yawn. She smiles back. She has a lot to learn. But this is lovely. I love it. Last night she laughed in her sleep. This tiny baby laugh woke me. I can't wait to have the whole house full of baby laughs.
I am a secret star. Whisper it to someone. Even if it is just yourself.
I have re-launched my store with a real store-front. I am excited to have a real store. It will encourage me to make stuff more often. The new store doesn't have everything on it, yet, but I will be adding new items everyday. This is just the base of what I have. The store might still be a little buggy and some pages aren't totally done, but it is good enough for now.
Swim here to see the new store!
On the me front... First week of daycare made me a better mother. Whenever I am with the girls I want want want to do things for them. I miss them terribly by about 2pm everyday.
Didn't drop any pounds last week. I am holding steady at 248.5 and eating everything in sight. Stress eating. I got sushi today, but i fear that pregnancy has made me lose my taste for it. I want to enjoy it again!!! I will keep trying.
The girls are going to be dragons for Halloween. Wait til you see. It will make you want babies. But, dude, don't do it! You will never sleep again.
We are all getting into a routine. The girls seem to be eating less times a day and while they aren't going to sleep at 8pm anymore (much to Jeff's sorrow), they are sleeping more deeply at night. I actually had to wake Rachel at about 7 this morning (we were up at 3, but still). I find that they are more interested in waking up to smile and play than to eat. This is cool.
Yesterday I didn't go see them at lunch time, instead I made my way to my favorite sushi by the pound place. I didn't get any sushi during most of my pregnancy, so I am wondering if I still have a taste for it! But, so sad no sushi! The by the pound place is gone! So I got a gyro instead, which was still great. I also stopped in the fabric store and bought a giant blue/grey button for $2, which I made into a ring. A little present for me. Today's lunch adventure will be to find another good sushi place.
I just wrote this in marker on a big pad of paper on the wall at work:
Pounds lost before getting pregnant = 70!
Pounds gained during pregnancy = 80!
Pounds lost since giving birth = 56.5!
This is the first step on my new weight loss adventure. Announcing it. I will tell anyone what I weigh. I weigh 248.5. That sounds really heavy, but it is nothing compared to the 305 the day I gave birth! I am currently wearing a size 20 and my goal is a size 14. My weight goal is 180. So, I have 68.5 pounds to drop. Oh that will be a piece of cake! wink wink. I think it will take about 14 months.
So. First step was to tell all.
Second step is to increase exercise.
Third step is to increase water intake and swtich back to diet pop.
Fourth step is to smallen portions.
Fifth step is to change what I eat.
I have done steps one and two. I will let you know when I for real do step three. But I think that steps one and two are good enough for this week. I think I will see a change on Monday when I weigh in.
If you weren't with me for my first weight loss adventure, I must sound like a total nut. Gender politics are really wrapped up in the weight and weight loss for me. The "fat positive" movement kept me down for a long time. I mean kept me fat! And while I always feel lovely no matter what I weigh, I am a bit obsessed with dropping the pounds for health reasons and also for emotional reasons. I love to know that I CAN do it. That I can do anything. The ability to change my body gives me this ultimate power. Once I get started I will be slightly addicted to it. But the truth is, right now, I love cheese fries. I love hazelnut 5 Star bars. Oh and guacamole! I love to eat. This is what I am up against.
It is funny. Embarking on this second weight loss adventure is way more low key than the first. And I think that is because I know that I sort of dodged a bullet with the first one. I can't imagine what it would have been like to have gotten pregnant with twins at my original 290 pounds. I would have died. I would be dead. Plus, this time around... I know I can do it. It isn't a question of if, but a question of when.
Today is my first day away from my girls, ie, my first day back at work.
Am I sad? A little. Not terribly so. Does that make me a bad mom? I don't think so. I have to say that I am more sad for me than for them. When we left them at the daycare this morning, Anya was smiling big and Rachel was a bit cautious. Which means they were being themselves.
There are 8 babies including mine in the room of the daycare where my girls are. All of the other 8 are crawlers. And when I left this morning, Anya was being wowed by all the babies crawling around her. I think she is going to have the best best time. When I went in to visit them at lunchtime, Anya had ink on her face from the piece of tape stuck to her bib with ANYA written on it in marker. Rachel, too. They looked like little coal miners. The teachers immediately washed their faces off as if I would freak out about it.
My choice to send my girls to daycare was not an easy one to make. But it is mine and I am living with it and in no way does it have to be forever. I keep thinking that dropping off just one baby would have been so much harder. I don't know why that is. Perhaps it is because I know that in the end, each girl has their sister with her. And someday, whether it is when they are 8 or 13 or 25, their primary relationship isn't going to be with me or Jeff. It is going to be with their sister. For some reason this makes me feel better about our current situation. But maybe I am just making excuses and trying to push the guilt away.
Eileen once said to me: "no matter what, you are still their mother." This was in reference to the breastfeeding situation. When leaving them this morning, I heard her say it again. No matter what, you are still their mother. I find comfort in that.
On my way to visit them at daycare at lunch time, I found myself on the giant giant escalator at the Dupont Circle Metro. It went on forever and my ipod was singing singing to me and the October air was coming cold down that giant wind tunnel. It hit my face and I shuttered and felt in love with the air. I thought about how 20 years from now Anya or Rachel will be taking the same escalator to work or to who knows where. It made me realize how much I missed being stimulated by the world these past few months and how I need to make sure that my girls never ever lack in that regard. It also made me remember what it is like to be an individual. And if going back to work helps me to feel that way again, I think it is so good for me and for the girls.
This whole mom thing has been hard. Sometimes I yearn to know what it would have been like with just one baby. What decisions I would have made differently. What things would have been different. I am sure all moms of twins think this way. For now, I think I need to stop feeling like a mother of twins and start thinking in terms of being a mom to one little girl named Rachel and one little girl named Anya. That way they get on the path to being individuals, too.
Here is my weekend in photos. I will write for real Monday.
My hair cut went well... got rid of lots, but it is still messy and pink, which is all that matter matters.
Saturday mornings is for singing with daddy.
October party outside with our friends, Allen and Andrew gets two different responses from my girls.
Rachel sleeps. Doesn't Rachel look like Jean Seberg in Breathless? Or maybe more like Jean-Paul Belmondo?
Anya cries. Actually, she was totally chill all day... this was right before we left for home. I caught Anya feeling the autumn breeze at one point. Closed eyes, nose in the air. Too bad I don't have a picture of that!
I know that by now you are frelling sick of seeing pictures of my hair. I know that I am completely self-absorbed. I know this. I do. I do. But dude, look how lovely my pink hair is!!!
I am going to get it cut this week. First hair cut in two years! Ok. I swear I won't post another picture of my hair until it is blue again.
On another topic, I feel like I am waiting to go on vacation. But instead, I am waiting to go back to work. This time last year, I was super excited to be going to London. Now... I am super excited to head down to K Street every morning. What an amazing year it has been. Never underestimate what can happen to you in a year. I am totally proof.
I think I just fixed the comment functionality so that I don't have to approve it. I trust you won't post mean things. :) Comment away!
My girls are Leos. Like me and Bill Clinton, they are. The proof is in this photo, in which it seems that Rachel is giving the Clinton thumb to her sister:
All is currently quiet in the house of the baby Leos. We may be quiet for these few minutes, but we are all changing. We are waking up happy happy girls and are trying to vocalize. We are cooing when cooed at. We are imitating. We are finding our faces in mirrors and ahhing with delight. We are baby lions whose life is change. I envy that they can't fear change yet. And if they do, they hide it well.
I am getting a whole new website soon (today?), including a real blog and a better store. The design isn't done, so when it swtiches over, it will be kinda plain, but the functionality will be there including an archive instead of this awful huge page of a blog. Don't be surprised when it happens! The store will be back about a week later.
thanks again for reading!
I hate writing complainy posts. I hate to worry people. But here I am. This day in babyland has once again kicked my ass. It is 4:22 and this is the first minute during which a baby is not crying. As I typed that, I heard Anya screech from her crib. She and Rachel were supposed to be enjoying the mobile with the lovely octopus... but nope. There she goes complaining about it.
I had been trying to get them on a every 3 to 4 hours feeding schedule, but today it seems that we are back to every 2 hours or less. This means that I feed babies all day long. I wonder if I am stressed about my day because I know the end is near. I will be going back to work next week and then my days of taking care of two babies alone are pretty much done. I feel bad because the girls' special time with mommy is over, but dude... I need a break. This is so much easier when it is Jeff and I. But one person with two infants is just so hard. Of course there is the guilt of sending them to daycare, which I am sure I will explore to great length sometime next week. But man, I need some baby-free time right now.
I also tried to start weightwatchers hardcore today. No dice. The stress of the babies just made me want to make a batch of brownies and eat them all. No time for that, inside I ate all the cheese in the fridge. I have gained about 3 pounds in the past few weeks, which isn't bothering me too much, but I don't want to find myself at plus 10 pounds or more. I know it is a slippery slope. I know I could eat a giant bag of Reeces cups if I let myself (ok, I did that last week). So, I will wait until I am back at work next week to start my new weight loss journey in earnest. I can't wait to start the two mile walks a day and start eating sushi again. I know the pounds will drop off and my legs will melt away. I want to be melty again.
oh yeah... and my period started already. Yep. I stopped pumping breast milk two weeks ago. That is another story for another post. A story that involves, yes, guilt and then no guilt and now ovulation. Great. Just what I needed. More frelling eggs! My giant monster-y fear is ever getting pregnant again, considering what this pregnancy put me through.
Ok... now the babies want my full attention, as they deserve. I am off to give it.
Colic. I didn't think it existed. I am crazy. It does. Anya has it, which means Rachel will soon follow. It isn't that bad when Jeff is home at night. But during the day, it kicks my ass.
I love my daughters, but I totally don't get people who love babies. Like any old babies who aren't yours. Maybe that is the key. That it is easy to love babies when you don't own them. :) I have said this before, but I feel like we are in this waiting period. Waiting to be able to enjoy other things with the girls. I can't wait to take them to the movies! Or the zoo. I can't wait to entertain them outside in the world. Right now, our main love is the octopus on the mobile. We love him!
Ok, both girls are starting to cry. I will be back. Can you tell I am stressed? Momming is hard work.
This picture totally shows my girls' personalities. Anya is laughing at the mobile. Rachel is studying it with a certain seriousness:
Here is me looking super skinny... i think it must be the angle:
Saturday was the day I have been working toward for the past month or so (ok, the past year!)... Washington CityPaper's Crafty Bastards Arts and Craft Fair. And it didn't disppoint. I had so much fun meeting all the nice blog readers: SEAWEED! and other folks who came by my table. I loved loved loved seeing folks laugh big laughs at my new designs: Pandas Poop Too Much, etc. I also thought it was rad when I heard people say they bought this shirt or that shirt last year. Everyone who came by the table and bought things or talked to me was so nice. Thank you to all of you for making me feel a part of the world. And for wanting to buy my silliness.
Luck would have it that Heidi and Katie (www.mypapercrane.com) were right behind us and that was super rad. They even took down their sign so that we could talk when things were too crazy with all the selling (rare!). I took up some of their space, though, as it seemed that my whole family was there with me. My sister, Lisa, and her two daughters came along this year, which was so great. Lisa spent the past month busy making purses to sell, which is rad. As you can see in the picture, her daughter, Brittney had an awesome time too. We took this picture from our booth, thinking that Britt was playing on the playground. But there she was, part of an anti-Bush giant puppet parade. So so funny.
My brother, Mikey and his fiance, Sarah with their dog, Nilla came too. Mikey has some retail experience, so he was totally the master of shirt folding. Like, Lisa, he did way more than that, though, helping with the booth all day long. Jeff and his mom (Thanks to Jeff's mom for coming for the weekend to help take care of the girls!) brought my tiny girls over (since we live 3 blocks away) for a while, but it was hot and the tiny girls don't need to be in the sun. My parents were on their way, too, when they got in a car accident! It was a hit and run, but they are ok, thank goodness.
About half way through the day, my booth was swamped with people and I looked around to see that both of my siblings were there helping and I totally felt so loved. It is weird... I so look forward to Crafty Bastards because I get to share all my weird creations with people I don't know for a day. But what really really mattered to me yesterday was that both of my siblings were there with me. And that they took part in something that was so important to me. I love it when that happens. When you are wowed something other than what you are expected to be wowed by.
Stay tuned tomorrow... I will post pictures of some of the great things that I bought. And special thanks to the CityPaper crew. You guys totally make October the best month. And thanks to Sara from the CityPaper for being so lovely and teaching Brittney about why you shouldn't let ballons go.
here are a few more pictures of the day... some stolen from Heidi's blog. first is my new hair (it is super long, but you can't tell in this picture. next is my brother, mikey with his dog, Nilla. And last is Heidi's booth with Katie and a shopper who must have bought something from me since she had one of my Halloween bags.
  
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