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| October 2005 »
Guess what? I don't have to say: Good-bye city life. whoohoo!
I should really be doing a million billion other thingy things right now. But I had to share my good news.
AFter finding out that for reasons I will not disclose, I have to return to work full time at this time (their reasons, not mine), I started to freak out about the daycare situation. After talking to my sister, I think I was close to convincing her to quit her job and be their nanny. It was going to be a huge relief for me, a good thing for her money-wise, but a bad thing for her time and travel wise.
While talking to our neighbor, Patrice, about this whole situation, the phone rang. It was the Baptist Church. They have two spaces for us. After nearly a year on the list and after being told they only had one space. So our girls can go to a daycare that is on our way to work and so close to Jeff's work that he can go see them at lunch. And if it doesn't work out, I can talk to my sister again.
Of course, I have lots of issues with the whole daycare thing in general. But frankly, I need an emotional break from taking care of babies. I need to walk two miles a day for a while. I think I need these things to fully enjoy my girls. I don't think I want them in daycare forever. I think I want to be a full-time mom at some point when it makes more sense. The daycare is totally going to make us poor, but we get to stay in our home with it's amazing view of the park. We get to have adventures taking babies on the bus. We get to stay city-folks for the time being. I think it is worth it for now. I don't know how I will feel leaving them the first day, but at least it is a controled environment (which a nanny would not have been).
Other news. Crafty bastards is tomorrow! Please say hi to me if you stop by. My table is next to Heidi's on 18th street! If you read the blog use the code word when you see me. The code word is SEAWEED! Is that one word or two? Oh well, code words are silly. So only use it if you want to be silly.
This is where and when:
Saturday, October 1, 2005 • 10am–5pm
at Western Market in Adams Morgan
Western Market is located on 18th St. NW in Adams Morgan between California and Kalorama in the plaza of the Marie Reed Learning Center - 2200 Champlain St. NW, Washington DC, 20009.
I woke up this morning with these words in my brainy brain: optimism is not your friend. Um, what the hell? How bleak. I am not feeling that. I do have to say that yesterday was a trying day in the world of twin motherhood.
First, I weighed myself to find that I have gained back the 5 pounds that I lost in the past two weeks. This is not a surprise. I have been a candy eater. I am eating for comfort again, but not even real food, not even Mac and Cheese. I am talking Lindt chocolate bars and Mega M&Ms. So, back to 247. Still 20 pounds to go before I get to pre-pregnancy weight and 50 more to go before I am done. I totally own this gain. Say it with me. I own this. I own this. I own this. Now I just need to get my ass into gear.
Then, both girls were hungry at the same time all day long and would refuse to eat because I kept trying to feed them at the same time. They are awake enough now to want want want the attention of a feeding. They want eyes locked and conversation, like on a date. I don't blame them. So it was a nasty circle of hungry baby, crying baby, calm for a bit, hungry again. Things didn't calm down until Jeff got home and saved me. NOt right away, of course. I mean, who can handle coming home to two crying babies and a desperate pink-haired wife? But once we got both babies fed and on the floor to look at each other, this were calmer. We listened to Heavenly and The Promise Ring and Jeff sang to each girl individually and everybody got happy. What a difference two people make. When I got up with Rachel at 2am, she was all smiles. I love that. That is a happy baby.
So, if anything, last night I learned that optimism is one of my few friends these days. One of my most needed friends. I need to feel optimistic everytime I look at a baby and everytime I look at the scale and everytime I think about the future. Because in the trenches of twin motherhood, it is hard to believe that things will get easier. But they totally will. I am optimistic.
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I have to shout out to Yelena, who sent me the most amazing letter and package for the tiny girls. What a surprise. I really am lucky lucky to be so well thought of. Once again, the nurturing from strangers kicks ass. Keep an eye out for a package from me.
Also, my emails don't seem to be going out, so if it seems that I am not writing back, I actually am
It is 9:51 pm on a Monday night and we are the only people on the little white bus going from Woodley Park to U Street. The girl in my front pack has finally calmed down after a good deal of hopping and binky giving on my part. Your girl is wearing a blue hoody sweatshirt that you picked out before she was born. Her head is turned and I can only see her tuft of hair. You look so tired in this blue bus light and I am filled with so much love that I can't stand it. At the bus stop you said we were like Mai and Satsuki waiting for the cat bus in Totoro. Iconic. But this moment is equally as iconic. I say that we are like a scene in a movie, the light is just right. You joke that they don't make movies about people with babies. But here we are, we will never be in this place again, on a night bus with 8 week old babies. You in your Bungee baseball cap and me with my pink hair. Some day when we can't afford this city lifestyle, I will remember this. It is funny how life always takes me to exactly where I need to be. And last night on that bus with you and the babies was that place.
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below is my new hair in phases... first the bleaching, then the new pink with some blond. the baby is rachel.
I love taking pictures of my girls. I love what the pictures tell me. I took this one this morning. What does this tell me about my girls? Rachel always looks at me when I take their picture, while Anya always looks at Rachel. There is something about when Rachel looks you in the eyes. Something old. She is a very serious person, Rachel is. I think this is why I see Jeff in her so much. Anya, on the other hand, is very easy going, very interested in her sister. She looks at Rachel as if she is in love.
The nanny who had the twin experience and excellent references took a job in Hawaii. Now, I am talking to work about coming back part time so that we only need someone one to two days a week. It should be easier to find and pay that person, I think. Do you know someone?
Oh... that bunny above. That bunny is rad, you can buy one at spidercamp.
I mentioned a few days ago that having a newborn is like waiting for someone to wake up from a coma. I was wrong. I have to wake them up. I know this now. I am waking them up with kisses and songs.
Here is me looking dead tired, yet crafty, working on art pieces for the Crafty Bastards Arts Fair, while Anya sleeps in the sling. I told you I mastered the art of baby wearing! I have made abotu 15 of those cool mirrors with lines from my blog on them. I am sure most will make no sense taken out of context, but I love that. ( The sling is from www.lucky-baby.com)
Being a mom is making me look older, sometimes when I look in the mirror, I see my grandmother. Mostly the shape of my body, all hips and butt. I don't mind it.
Ok, this is our current twin management. Whenever Jeff and i are both home, we each get a baby to take care of. That way, you always get some free time. And whenever someone cries you can say... "That's your baby!!" But! I worry that we are breaking the twin bond as the girls are rarely together. I am putting a stop to that by making sure the girls have some together time at least once a day. See:
I have mastered the art of carrying a baby in a sling. Rachel is nestled in one right now while I type this with two hands! Anya is happy happy in the swing. Whoohoo! I have a few minutes of baby-free peace.
Weighed myself this morning. 242! 15 more pounds and will be back to pre-pregnancy weight. Then I get to start up the hill of dropping anouther 50 or so pounds. I have been walking the girls to Jeff's work in the afternoons, about a mile there and a mile back. I can feel it in my butt and thighs. I love that feeling. But what is so great is that I don't feel it in my heart like when I was pregnant or when I was super fat before then. No matter what, I will never ever see 300 pounds on a scale again. I hate the way it makes my heart pound and my lungs huff huff. So how long will it take me to drop these 15 pounds? Hopefully no more than 6 weeks or so. Then I might might be able to fit into my old pants again, which I really would like to because the maternity pants are falling down down and I shouldn't be buying interim clothes.
The daycare situation was looking bad last week when we found out that the daycare we had been on a list for since we got pregnant would not have two spots for us, only one. Now we are interviewing a nanny on Sunday. I spoke to her on the phone and she seemed very sweet. I hope she likes us!!! We will see.
I have been asking this question on the art pieces that I am making for Crafty Bastards. When do we learn to laugh? I didn't think I would be getting the answer anytime soon or at all. But last night Anya kindly provided me with it.
It was about 11pm and we were all watching an ep of Lost on DVD. Sawyer said something quippy and I laughed really big. Anya was alseep on my chest as she often is. After I laughed, this amazing sound came out of the sleeping Anya. It was big and long and not a normal baby Anya sound. It was a laugh. I thought I was hearing things. But then, she did it again. This time, there was a smile and a laugh. All in her sleep. Jeff and I was totally floored and charmed and amazed. Of course, she was just mimicing me and didn't actually find humor in something, but still. Anya is learning to laugh. And I am teaching her. Whenever things get hard from now on, I will think of that.
I can't wait for the day that I hear both of my girls laughing at something. It is easy to forget in the trenches of twin motherhood what the whole point of this is. To grow people who can laugh.
The world still exists and we live in it.
Let's try again. This week, I learned that the world still exists beyond the window that I look out over the changing table. And that we girls indeed do live in it.
On Thursday, Jeff, the girls and I went to the Crafty Bastards party at the CityPaper offices. So at 6 weeks old, my wee ones have been to their first party. We got to meet Sara and the whole Crafty Bastards crew there who were so nice. Then we saw Heidi and Tom, who we adore. Oh my, the arts and craft fair is only 21 days away! Dude, I have a lot ot make before then. Here is a picture of me and the girls that I stole from Heidi's website:
Then on Friday morning, I trekked down the hill more than a mile to my work to show off the girls. I almost cried the last block there because I hadn't walked there is so long and hadn't seen those places in so long. I have worked in the same building for over 10 years and I never thought turning the corner and seeing it would make me cry, but it did. Weird. Everyone at work was so nice and excited to see me and the babies. It was pretty touching. And reminded me of the world/life? I have been missing/missed.
On my way out, the Indian street vendor and his wife in front of the building stopped me excitedly. I have literally walked past these people for ten years, and never talked to them other then to buy an umbrella. The woman was talking really fast, while the man translated. They were worried about me because all of a sudden I had stopped walking past them. They remembered watching me get bigger and bigger during my pregnancy and then I just wasn't there anymore. They were so excited to see me and the babies and were so surprised to see two! They had just become grandparents for the first time in June and were so excited to tell me about it. It was this amazing experience, like something from a Krzysztof Kieslowski movie. This perfect intersection of people and places and things. It reminded me that even though you don't know it, there are people in your life who love you and think about you. Just as you love and think about the person you see on the bus everyday or the man in the elevator with the funny hair. That we all have a story and connections and secret caring for strangers.
Pushing my giant double stroller, I made my way home, stopping at Chocolate Chocolate first for 5 Star bars. The store is so tiny that only the girls and I fit in it. I walked past the Gap, thinking about how excited I was when I could finally wear clothes from there and how excited I will be when I can again. My former life as this carefree girl all came flooding back to me. And I remembered how the dirty streets of Washington were always so inspiring. On bedrest at home and now caring for babies, I missed how dirty the streets really are. I missed all the smells and trash. I missed the allies and the panhandlers. I missed the world. But it still exists and I still live in it. And now there are two more. Two more people who live in it. I hope that some day my girls can be inspired by random trash and side streets. I have a lot of work to do before we get there, but we will.
We are 6 weeks old today.
Thanks to a home visit from a nurse, we now know that Anya weighs in at 8 pounds and 8 ounces while her older sister, Rachel, is 7 pounds and 4 ounces. Anya is the big eater. The home visit was conducted by the city of Washington, DC because until recently, DC had the highest infant mortality rate in the nation. Wow. Sad. So they send out nurses to all new moms to make sure they aren't planning on killing them or putting them at risk for SIDS. It was nice for me because I got to prove that Anya was way bigger than Rachel. This is how lucky I am.
My six week post partum appointment with my OB showed that the girls are indeed identical. At least the pathology report on my placenta says so. But we don't think they look alike at all. Perhaps it is the extra pound. To me, Anya looks exactly like Jeff's mom did as a baby and Rachel looks just like Jeff. The only thing on them that looks like me is their toes. All I get are toes. :) I am wondering if perhaps they are half-indentical... meaning that the egg split before meeting sperm and then each half of my egg got a different sperm. I read about this in a twin book, but I don't think that medical science can prove that it happens. Time will tell if the girls are identical, I suppose.
Six weeks old is a weird time with babies. I feel as if I am waiting for someone to awaken from a coma. Soon, they will be smiling at me and cooing and completely interacting with us. For now, I get little bits of this from Anya (always two days ahead of her sister with everything). But before I know it, my infants will be full babies. I can't wait.
Someone just started screaming.... duty calls.
>>> Jeff holding his youngest daugher (Anya). They both look sooo sleepy.>>>>
It is 3:41 on a Friday and you cannot imagine how much I need Jeff to be home for the weekend. And for his mom to come. I hate that i feel this way, but I need a break from babies. For the past 3 days, I have been not much more than a baby sofa. A big, soft place for babies to recline. This is nice and warm and lovely and I am glad that I am comfy to them (daddy likes to tell them how sorry he is that he is so boney), but there are so many other things that I want to work on. I am actually typing this with one hand!:)
While I am admitting things, let me tell you something else. I am eating like a pig. Gourmet chocolate bars, mac&cheese, pizza. There is no end to the bad eating. It is stress eating because I'm not even tasting it. There, I admitted it. First step to making it stop. I am holding steady at 248, which means only 20 or so more pounds to drop to get to pre-pregnancy weight, so that is good. But I fear I will see the scale creep up if I don't chill the hell out.
Eileen and I took the girls to the Whole Foods yesterday, which really increased my confidence in dealing with the girls in the world. It was also about a mile walk (maybe less), so I got to feel my leg muscles work for the first time in maybe 6 months. I was stiff this morning, like a new runner. She and I sat in the front of the store with the babies and there was much laughter. She made me miss having a full-time friend. Someone who lives near me and just shows up to sit around and do nothing. Eileen has been this amazing part of the past month for me. She and I were friends for a long time until more than a year ago when she moved half a world away to Chile. Then, on the day my girls were born, she blew into town for her own life event. And I have been so lucky to see her every few days since then. Yesterday was her last day with us, but she reminded me about the importance of community, the importance of letting people in. All of our friends have helped me with this in the past month, actually. I have never ever seen so much generosity of things and spirit.
In the Whole Foods, we watched people try to figure out whose babies these were. It was funny because Eileen with her wonderful dark hair could easily be their mom. And perhaps I look a little too immature to be someone's momma. While I wish she still lived here so that we could run around town letting people think we were a two mom family (lots of that in our town, actually more two dads) and wonder which one of us had the babies, I am so glad that she has found a place that she loves. I am so glad that she lives her life the way she wants to. Hopefully some day, I will take my girls to see her where ever in the world she is living. Below is a picture of Eileen holding Rachel. But I do do do miss having a full time friend. Oh well, it isn't like I have much time for new friendships right now. Perhaps I am holding my new full time friend right now. Perhaps I am forming two right now.
>>>>Eileen with Rachie>>>>>
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