We ventured into the world today. It did a lot for me emotionally. Will write more on that when it isn't 2 am. Isn't Jeff the cutest dad in the world?

OK. 5 am now. Waiting for Anya to fully wake so I can feed her.

Ok. 7 am now. Anya cried, but wouldn't wake up to eat, so here I am again. Waiting to see eyes and a tongue before I will feed her. My world is full of sleepy, yet hungry babies. They don't know which one they would rather be. If I were breastfeeding this wouldn't be a problem, but these stupid formula bottles have a shelf life. Formula also smells like trash. Great. It is my birthday and also the end of toxic breast milk. I will try to breast feed today. I worry it won't work, we will see. I should have had a lactation consultant lined up for today.... we will see how it goes.

Walking in the world yesterday made me feel so much more normal. I weighed 249 yesterday. 56 pounds less than the day I gave birth. I can't imagine that I had 56 pounds of extra fluids, so I hope some of it was fat. 25 more pounds and I am back down to pre-pregnancy weight. I wore a non-maternity shirt yesterday (Q and Not U t-shirt!), but I am still stuck with maternity pants because of the c-section and all of my extra skin.

Katie, who I have only met a few times, sent me the most lovely email the other day about how we as women feel closer to others who have gone through this whole childbearing thing. It made me think and worry about the women I have known. Why is it that there seems to be this quiet surrounding childbearing. No one ever talked to me about it until I got pregnant. Why aren't birthing stories a huger part of our culture? There are 14 tv shows about investigating murder, but none about giving birth. I think women need to stop being so quiet about these experiences. And that whole TLC "A Baby Story" is so sanitized. Why is it called a baby story? It isn't about the baby. Anyway... I just wish women would start wearing their birthing stories on their sleeves. But I guess they don't because most people don't want to hear them or can't relate. Also, they don't because these stories are messy and scary and life-changing and who talks about these things in normal conversation. I have a new, deeper respect for women. All women, because even if they haven't gone through this, they have the ability to. I wish our culture would allow, encourage? us to share our experiences in more profound ways. More profound than complaining about weight gain and body changes. I can't imagine not liking what this pregnancy has done to my body. I can't imagine hating myself that much, like so many American women do.

Then there is the reality of the babies. This is hard. Sometimes I look down at them and am filled with so much love. Sometimes I wonder when this will end. Knowing that this won't ever end overwhelms me. Loving them so much overwhelms me. I know it is only slightly worse/better for me because I have two. I want to think that my experience is unique because I have two, but I know those of you out there with one baby at a time have had the same experiences. But mine are just doubled.