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On Tuesday, we had some great victories at the doctor's appointments. I thought it was starting out badly when during our BPP (biophysical profile of the babies), Rachel was asleep and wouldn't wake up to be profiled. And since she is the smaller one, I thought there would be trouble. But nope, the sono tech kept poking at her through my tummy to get her to wake up. Then I decided to try. I started talking to her to get her to wake up and she did! Crazy. The babies passed the BPP and then my amniotic fluid levels went from an 11 two weeks ago to a 16.5.
When I got in to see the doctor, my blood pressure was up because I didn't want to be scolded by him. So the nurse let me lay down and calm down for 5 minutes. When she came back my blood pressure had gone from 140/90 to 120/70. We all cheered! My doctor was very happy with my numbers and even smiled at me! Crazy. It might have helped that I reminded him that he would be on vacation next week.
Jeff and I felt like we had won a great battle by not being checked into Labor and Devliery like our last two appointments. We have another sonogram on Friday to track Rachel's growth. Let's hope that goes just as well.
Then on Tuesday night, one of my best friends in the world gave me a call. And I mean, *in the world!*. Eileen called me from Chile! So exciting. I hadn't "talked" to her via voice in over a year and it was so nice to hear her voice. She was my number one cheerleader during the early parts of my weight loss journey and I can never repay her for that. I remember weighing 300 pounds and feeling so bad about myself on those first summer days of living in the city. And there was this fit girl walking her bike slowly home from work with me as I struggled. At first I tried to hide my struggling from her. But then she taught me that I didn't have to. It was the beginning of embracing my journey. Not hating myself anymore. She did so many other things for me during our friendship. I learned a lot from her about being a giving and supportive friend. I found out that she will likely be in DC during my late July window of tiny girl arrival. She won't be here for the best reasons for her, but secretly I am thrilled. I want her to see what her wonderful friendship has helped me to do. I want her to see my passengers.
Thinking of my friendship with Eileen reminds me how every interaction that you have with people can take you in new directions and spark new ways of thinking and dreaming and living. A million little things started me on my journey to lose the weight and a million little things kept me on it. But would those things have worked without that specific friendship? Or a dozon other things? It makes you think about how you walk through life. Should you smile or talk to that person today? Do you have the energy to encourage someone? I am not saying that we can or should try to save everyone. I am just saying that sometimes little connections can make a huge difference in someone else's life. They can become long paths to other things and you may never know it.
Tomorrow marks one week on bed rest. Whoohoo! It has taken me that long to realize that this isn't all about me. That this is really about the tiny girls and keeping the tiny girls inside for longer. I am lucky that no one wrote to tell me that in such a harsh way, because I wasn't ready to hear it.
It took a few things this week to make me realize that I am nearly 33 weeks pregnant with twins and that gone are the carefree days of 24 weeks pregnant or even 28. I am no longer beat the drum of how strong I am and must begin to listen to my body, really listen, because it is starting to tell me new things now, things that I wasn't ready for.
Friday's doctor appointment did two things. One, we found out that Anya is now 4 lbs 3 oz, while Rachel is 3 lbs 15 oz. Rachel was hard to measure and thus the sonogram tech couldn't get an accurate measurement on Rachel's tummy. Thus, her tummy is measuring small for her gestational age, which is cause for some concern. Enough so, that we will now be seeing the doctor 3 times a week. This caution is important because one twin could very suddenly stop growing and I don't want to be sitting around while Rachel isn't growing.
The second thing that happened was that my blood pressure was once again up because I was stressed out about having to get my blood pressure checked. Go figure. So off to 'Labor and Delivery' we went to be admitted. After a few hours or monitoring, I once again had no real signs of pre-eclampsia. My blood pressure went straight down as soon as we got there. But then, right when we thought we would be going home, in runs TWO doctors with a sonogram machine. "Aren't you feeling these contractions!!!??" one said. Frankly, Jeff and I were talking about how I would really like him to make me some pancakes and no I didn't feel anything. Looking at the monitor, though, I saw them! They were these huge huge well spaced mountains on the print out. Full, nice contractions. But I felt nothing. I got a shot of something to make them stop, got my cervix checked and was made to drink lots and lots of water. My cervix was fine, still hard and closed. The shot made my heart race and race. It took a while, but the filling up and emptying my bladder of water made the contractions stop. Poor Jeff had to go home and walk Archie while we waited for my uterus to calm down and must have been totally freaked out.
By about 8pm, my uterus was tamed and I was released with the new fear of silent, but strong and mighty contractions.
I read that some women pregnant with twins can't feel contractions because their uterus is too stretched. So it isn't just me. But Saturday and Sunday, I paid very close attention to my body and noticed that I indeed do have two or three contractions in the morning that only go away with lots and lots of water. Now, I have a healthy respect and fear of premature birth that my former, "look how strong I am" attitude wouldn't allow. This is good for the tiny girls.
So, it is bed rest for me for the rest of this pregnancy, along with 3 appts a week. I am not upset about this. I have seen the doctors let me go home and am not afraid of being sent to the hospital for weeks on end. Frankly, at 33 weeks, I most likely only have 4 to 5 weeks to go. And carrying 8 pounds of baby around right now is hard. What will it be like when there are 10 pounds of baby in there? Or even more? oh my! I get to continue to work from home via my laptop for a while even though I have to spend some time on my left side everyday.
I am lucky for this time. I am getting to bond with the girls more. I have begun to dream of them again, something that went away for a month or so there. Two recent dreams: First I dreamt that I tried to put on my shoes and rather than shoes I could only find babies. Second, I dreamt that my great grandma called me into her dark room, like she did when i was a kid. She called me to give me something or show me something. But instead of a great grandma, I felt around in her bed to find this tiny soft head of short hair. And tiny soft limbs. I found babies who wanted to breastfeed. The softest little heads in the world.
And I get to spend these next 4 or 5 weeks, if I am lucky, with these little soft heads and not with the rest of the world to distract me. I know I will get to spend more time than that with them, but this is probably some of the most important time in their lives right now, this last month of growth inside of me. Yes, me!
Monday's doctor appointment landed me on bed rest at home. My doctor is still concerned about the possiblity that I will develop pre-eclampsia, although I do not have it yet.
I am working from home via laptop and try not to spend too much time sitting up, thus I haven't written much or responded to emails. Hopefully I will be able to do that later today.
Jeff is being so wonderful, cooking all my meals and taking care of me. But it has been stressful for both of us.
Friday, I have another appointment and my doctor is threatening to "admit me" to the hospital and once again, I have no idea what that means. I don't mind staying on bedrest for the next 5 weeks or so, as long as I can do it at home. I think that my doctor is judging me a bit based on the pink hair and the fact that I seem light-hearted about most things. I hate him for this. I really do. I am a very serious person, who deals with things in a light-hearted way to survive. It is just how I am. I hate that he is taking the joy out of these last few weeks for us. Caution is one thing, but this man has no joy.
With every appointment, I feel as if my faith in my ability to do this is being damaged, all for caution. He is concerned about my weight and swelling, two things that are symptoms of pre-eclampsia. But frankly, he doesn't know me. He doens't know that I have only gained 50 pounds after being pregnant 8 months with twins! He doesn't care about that, he only cares about the overall weight and how rapid I gain it. Last time I checked, pregnant women gain weight and have swollen feet. Anyway, I am the strongest and healthiest I have ever ever been and I need to remember that. I will follow his instructions, so that I don't develop pre-eclampsia, but I will not let him crush my spirit. Now I know why women go to midwives.
I am trying to submit while retaining my inner strength. There isn't much time left. I just hope I can continue to spend that time here, in my own bed with my lovely husband taking care of me, rather than in the hospital where I will be treated like I have a disease.
Bouncing back. It is easy. Watch me.
Yesterday, I found myself swirling down the drain. Swirling, swirling, swirling. Yesterday was the second day in a row that I worked from home this week. The second day in a row that I didn't go out into the invisible wall of heat that DC has been this past week. The second day that I didn't change out of my sleep pants. The second day that I did my work in the little corner of our apartment, with the TV on. Yesterday, my feet were so swollen that I couldn't wear shoes.
So by last night, I was swirling down the drain. It was so easy to get there, too. And I know that things like not showering and having the insipid daytime TV on in the background made it worse worse worse.
I went to bed last night, not thinking I would ever be happy again. Really. I did. Isn't that lame? I let these feelings spill over into the my future. Spill over into what it will be like to be home with two tiny girls.
But, get this... this morning I woke up completely fine. There is magic in the bounce back. Amazing magic. I woke up rested and not swollen and ready for the day. I thought, if only it could have been like this when I was depressed years ago. Morning. Wake up. Pow! All better. Is it the power of the tiny girls inside my tummy? Did they spirit away my swirling in the night? If so, thank you tiny girls.
I spent some time this morning thinking of things that will make me happy again when the girls get here. First is shoes. Yes, shoes. I can't wait to have my normal feet back so that I can wear my cute shoes. I know that sounds silly. But if you are a Mary Janes girl, you know what I mean. I am sick of wearing the ugly sneakers like when I was the biggest fat girl. I want to slip my feet into shoes that don't match the rest of my clothes. I want to be free of these huge feet. Another thing is running. I want to be able to run again. I want to feel my muscles move and work like they should. Like the best machine in the world.
I finally finished this post!
This picture is of my tummy full of tiny girls. Everyone is always so surprised that it isn't bigger.
I have a towel around my neck because it was 90 degrees outside. I look like a pregnant boxer.
I have to say that I was a little nervous about going to our baby shower. I am not fond of being the center of attention. To this, I can hear Jeff laughing. Ok, I am not fond of being the center of attention in that kind of setting, with that many people for a "normal" event, like a baby shower or a birthday or a wedding or something.
We had the shower outside at Allen Pond in Bowie where my parents live and there were about 50 people there. All family and friends. I got to see lots of people who I hardly ever see, which was rad. But then there was also some guilt about that because Jeff and I sorta live in this little pod here in the city. No matter. Everyone we know is excited about the fact that we are having twins, not to mention twin girls! And it showed in the volume of tiny pink clothes that we got.
No really, people were just so very generous. It was crazy. Here is a picture of Jeff and I dwarfed by presents. Some people went overboard, we would open a bag and literally pull out 5 or 6 sets of two outfits. Most of the time, they were "the same, but different" which made me happy. A few times they were identical, which Jeff and I have been pretty against. But seeing those little matching outfits, you can see how people would have a hard time avoiding doing it. We figured that a few matching outfits won't hurt the girls for the 0-3 months sizes. But after that, we will have a strict policy of individualizing them. I am sure they will want to dress alike at some point. Not sure how I will handle that, but we will see.
Besides clothes, we got all kinds of other things, including, a changing table, Snugli Front and Back Carriers, sleep sacks, bath towels and products, breast pump, monitors, diaper genie, toys, bouncy seats, gift cards, homemade blankets... the list goes on and on. :) Oh! and diapers! Diapers and wipes. I think we got at least 400 diapers, which by my count will last about a month with two babies. :)
This is a picture of Jeff and I opening the present from our friends, Lisa and Jonah. The people in the background are my brother and sister! I don't think we have had a picture of all of us together since I was 12 or something. Lisa and Jonah's card and presents were the only ones to make me cry all day! And I am pregnant, you'd think that I would have been crying all day long. I have known Lisa since like 8th grade and I am so happy that I still know her. She also brought a card from her mom and dad, which was also emotional for me. I spent so much time running around their house in high school. Thinking back, it is funny to think that that loud teenager is about to become a mother to two tiny girls. Not that I don't still act like a loud teenager most times, at least I did before I got pregnant. Being pregnant has calmed me a bit.
A lot of my extended family that came to the shower hadn't seen me since I lost 70 pounds and got pregnant and gained 50 back. That is a long time! So, many people were very surprised when they saw me. My cousin, Machelle, said the best thing... "You must have lost A LOT of weight." That made me happy.
Sorry this post is so jumbled. The whole day was a little overwhelming. I think we got a taste of what birthday parties or other events held in Rachel and Anya's honor will be like. And I am not sure if I want the girls to get that many gifts and or attention when they are little. I don't want to raise spoiled children. But then again, people love twins, so I think it will be a delicate balance.
The whole day happened because my parents set it up and worked really hard in the heat to make it nice for us. Here is a picture of them and Jeff and I at the end of the day, all very over-heated.
All of the presents barely fit in our car. I wish I had a picture of that. All the men started walking the presents to the car and looked like a line of ants marching with breadcrumbs. I say the whole day was overwhelming. But it was also a little surreal. Jeff and I are not baby shower people. We are not family gathering people. We are, let's go to the movies on Xmas people. And to be the center of something like that was strange for us. And to see how generous people were was just, well, overwhelming. I think it taught us that we need to spend more time being family gathering people, while still being art gallery/video game/going to the movies on Xmas people. I think with the tiny girls, it will be a delicate balance.
So this morning, we went in for the dreaded "re-evaluation". Weight was 5 pounds less than Wednesday thanks to the fact that I elevated those legs like crazy and got the fluid down. But my blood pressure was higher than Wednesday.
So off to "Labor and Delivery" we went! Eek! Then the only words our doctor said to us were, YOU ARE BEING ADMITTED, which was the only thing we didn't want to hear. Once in the hospital room, I met a very nice nurse named Gwen who explained to me that I was just being admitted for observation and if all was well, it would only take a few hours. I got a heartbeat monitor for each baby, a monitor for contractions and a blood pressure cuff for me. I barely noticed when she drew lots and lots of blood. What a good blood taker she was!
Then a medical student came in and asked me a million questions, which she was going to report to a resident.
Of the 5 or so blood pressure readings they did, one was a little high, while the others were completely fine. We heard the babies' heartbeats and kicks via machine for the whole 2 hours we were in there. And oh my! Rachel is the crazy mover and kicker, which we knew, but oh my! :) She just moved and moved and kicked and kicked. Sometimes Anya would respond to her, sometimes not. The sounds of the kicks on the fetal monitor reminded us of being in a submarine, not that either of us have ever been in one, but that is what it was like.
After all of my blood work and observing came back, the resident OB came to see me. She was young and female and sunny, the opposite of our very very serious Perinatologist(sp). She told me everything looked fine and was very very positive and not at all grave. Basically she told me what I know and that is that I am fine for now with very healthy and happy babies in there. I will continue to be monitored to make sure that I don't develop pre-eclampsia and I should continue to take it easy, working from home some, etc.
Here is what I learned. What resident doctors don't have in experience, they make up for in people skills. Our regular doctor made us believe I was being ADMITTED to the hospital for good, not just for a few hours or even a day. He was harsh and cold and didn't explain anything well at all. Give me a resident over that any day.
So, for now, I will be going to work a few days next week and working from home a few days. Then a week from now, I will see my doctor again and be re-evaluated. This time I won't worry about it because no matter what, everything will be ok!
And I can go to my baby shower tomorrow! whooho!!
So I haven't written in days because I am a little stressed out. Yesterday, our regular OB appointment did not go well. My doctor was irritable for reasons that didn't involve us, but probably involved the broken air conditioning in his offices. His bad attitude continued into our appointment when he saw my weight. Apparently I had gained 14 pounds in the past month, adding my grand total to 280. And this weight gain is of concern when it is added to my swollen legs, feet and hands. But frankly, in 90 degree weather, with my own apartment AC broken, I can imagine that swelling feet, hands and legs would make sense. And that at least 4 pounds of those 14 are indeed the fluid of the swelling.
Anyway. My doctor very rudely asked me why he shouldn't put me in the hospital! Um... because I feel fine and my blood pressure is fine. Anyway, even though I don't have any of the main symptoms of pre-eclampsia, my doctor is concerned about it. Which is fine, but it would have been nice for him to spend his time telling me what symptoms to look for next rather than spend his time threatening checking me into the hosiptal for weight gain and asking me how much salt I am eating.
I have to say that threatening someone like me with spending the next 8 weeks in the hospital because of weight gain is NOT the right thing to do. But of course he doesn't understand that I have been way fatter than this before and, hello, I AM PREGNANT WITH TWINS! I have gained about 55 pounds so far, which is about normal for this stage of a twin pregnancy. Anyway,
So, for now, I am stuck at home on "partial bedrest," which means that I can work from home and sit around worrying about what I am eating.
I have an appt tomorrow morning to get my weight and blood pressure checked. Then the doctor gets to re-evaluate me . Let's hope I look ok so that I can continue to stay home and go to my baby shower on Saturday. Because the idea of spending the next 8 weeks in the hospital is just devastating.
So, I would like to thank my doctor for making me feel like a ticking time bomb, when in fact minutes before the appointment, I felt fine.
In good news, both of my girls are pointing head down. :) hopefully there will be more good news tomorrow.
I just found the most rad baby clothes designer. Take a look:
http://www.focoloco.com/default.asp
I ordered this: I'm with the band Infant One-piece
The other cool thing this week has been that Crafty Bastards is happening again in DC! Whoohoo! It is the best arts and crafts sale that I have ever done and this year it will be less than two blocks from my house! And my tiny girls will be here and will most likely be able to go out into the world by then. Once again, it will be held on October 1. Check out the site if you want to apply to sell stuff. It is really a lot of fun: Crafty Bastards!
Now I just have to think of a new item to unveil that day!
Real blog blog later today. :)
There is loveliness in the loneliness of a nearly empty bus when you are running late to work. I can see my pink and blue sneakers in the big bus mirror and my feet swing swing to new words and sounds from Suki and I almost wonder how this rainy world could get better. And this is a repeat repeat of things I have said or thought before, but skinny boys are pretty and even more so when they have pink cheeks in June.
Yesterday, Jeff said, remember when we got off the plane in London at Heathrow and rather than leave with our luggage to begin our vacation, we just sat in the airport. We had only planned that far. Off the plane and now what? It didn't last long, maybe only 30 minutes, maybe less. But there we were, regrouping in this new environment. It is a good memory, one in which we both were feeling this slight fear of what to next. So we just sat there holding hands, sleepy after a night of no sleep on our first plane over the ocean. We talked about just going to sleep right there, we were so tired. Instead we got on the Tube, picking it over other options of getting to our hotel on a Monday morning at 7am. I remember exiting the Tube station, after picking one of 5 exits at random and looking up to see our hotel right there. And even though our room wasn't supposed to be ready until 2pm, I asked nicely and we got it right then and went right up and went to sleep. Not at all upset that the first few hours of our first vacation in another country would be spent sleeping. I remember how happy we were that we had made all the right choices without getting upset at each other the way people may do when they are stressed and tired. I think this is what it will be like when the tiny girls get here. We will look at each other and remember that morning in London when we were exhausted from no sleep and didn't have a clue what to do next and how if we work together, things usually are fine.
I know that bringing home two infants is nothing like going on vacation to London. :) And that comparing them might make me sound a little naive. But I just think all the years that Jeff and I have been together have made it so that we are able to face things with this sense of calm. But it only works together. I don't think either of us can get there without the other. It makes me wonder when reading the baby books... who are these men who have to be told that their wives need help with new babies? How do these men written about in these books function in their marriages? And who are these women who would think to have babies or even lives with people who aren't complete partners? I mean really? How do these people function in their separate pods in their separate lives, all the while pretending to be together? Jeff wonders these things too, because all of the books about fatherhood that he has read spend all this time reminding men that their wives need help with new babies. We are too modern. Him and I, I fear we are.
New podcast posted: Restaurant Fuel/I Like Seamonsters Podcast 106 -- "Crooked Houses" (Download)
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