Our days have been filled lately with talking over and figuring out what our living arrangements will be when the girls get here. It has been slightly stressful in this housing market to even think of renting or buying a larger place. Last weekend we visited a co-op, which we thought was the answer, but sadly was not.

I don't know what it is like where you live, but a 2 bedroom apartment anywhere near us in this city is going for at least 350k. A house around the corner just sold for 600k.

Jeff and I have actually been very calm in our housing discussions, mainly I think because we know things will be ok no matter what because in less than 3 months we will have two tiny girls! The joy and craziness of that fact always overshadows trivial things like living in a one bedroom apartment with two tiny girls.

I have to say, though, that I starting to get more and more afraid of being left alone with said two tiny girls. Even though I am the oldest of three children, I have never cared for an infant. I have never thought of myself as the type of person who really likes babies. I hear some women talk about how all their lives they have wanted to be a mother and I cringe a little because I can't relate. The prospect of mothering two 4 year old girls or two 8 year old girls is much more appealling to me than two infants. I know this is something that I will get over as soon as they are here. But just as now when I feel bad that the girls have to live inside of me for so long, without being able to tell me what they need or how they feel. I am a little worried that they will have only me all day long to care for them. I am not really worried for myself, but more for them. I often see a mother holding one baby close to comfort it and I feel bad that I won't be able to do that for both of mine at once.

Sunday is our all day childbirth class. I am not looking forward to it. First of all, it is going to be geared towards women who are pregnant with one baby, I am sure. Perhaps there will be a little section of the day about birthing multiples, but I know I will feel left out of the day and slightly irrirated by all the singleton mom's with their choices and birth plans. I know I still have some choices that I can make as a woman pregnant with twins, but I also have to be prepared for them to be limited when it comes to birth. I have to say, I am also a little creeped out by being in a room full of pregnant women. I don't know why, I just am. Maybe I am wrong and it will be a very good day spent and I will learn lots. Before I got pregnant, I read all of these books about the natural childbirth movement, all of these anti-hospital books. Being pregnant with twins made my normal ObGyn practice drop me because I am considered "hi-risk", so the whole midwife center and natural childbirth thing is basically out for me. In some ways, this makes me sad. But moreso, I am a bit relieved. I am glad that my concern over having to give birth to two, not one healthly baby is making me give up the notion of some sort of special wonderful earthy birth experience. While I am not going to just give myself over to the c-section knife, I do know that it is ok for me to not worry so much about beating the system that is the over-medicalization (if that is a word) of modern childbirth. We will see how I feel about this after my birth experience, of course.

At least I know that if Sunday doesn't teach me anything useful, I already know how to get past fear and how to not fear fear. I think this will be what gets me through childbirth. My ability to stay calm and ride the rollercoaster know that things are never really as bad as you think they will be.

This post has been a bit of a downer. Sorry! I am now in the sixth month of pregnancy. I could possibly have two tiny girls in my life in as little as 10 weeks. The time is passing way too quickly and yet not fast enough. It is getting harder to sleep and walk around, but it could be and will get worse. Everyday the girls wage a great battle or have a rockin dance party in my tummy. I am reading books about parenting now, rather than pregnancy. I see mothers in stores or places yelling at their children and I want to ask them, don't you remember where they came from? Don't you remember how they got here? You would think that pregnancy and childbirth would be enough to make all mothers cherish and respect their children. But it doesn't and that makes me sad.

When discussing the type of parent I wanted to be with friends and family before I got pregnant, I would often mention that I didn't want to tell my kids what to do. I wanted to be an easy-going mom. To this I would hear that I would really just end up a pushover. I think I have finally figured this one out, though. Jeff and i have been discussing parenting a lot lately and what we really want to do is respect our children. And in respecting them, not try to control them or punish/bribe them into some arbitrary obedence. To me, there is nothing worse than a mom who says do this because I say so. Or a dad who uses fear to control a child. Nowadays it is almost as if as long a person doesn't hit their child, they think they are a good parent. But Jeff and I are really thinking a lot about how we would like to try to use discussion and reason with our girls rather than methods of control.

And these are the things that have been swim swim swimming in my head while two little girls swim in my tummy. Next week, we will see them again and measure them and see if they are growing as they should. I feel that I am. Growing as I should, in many ways. Let's hope they are doing their part as well.