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Oh my! 29 weeks already. I thought it was Monday and that I would be 29 weeks tomorrow. But here I am. 29 weeks. Weighed myself this morning, I have gained 48 pounds. Whoohoo! ;)
On Friday, we saw the girls again via sonogram. Both are growing very well, and are about the same weight. They are nearly 3 pounds each now. Rachel was head down, with her head right on my cervix. And Anya was across my tummy where she has always been. She must feel safe there. We saw Anya touching her nose (just like last time) and moving her arms around. And once again, Rachel was seen kicking up at her sister. One new thing this time around was that Anya's legs and arms are much longer than Rachel's. Not that Rachel's are small, just that Anya's are long. I am wondering if this is because Anya has more room to grow her long legs and arms, while Rachel doesn't, hence her kicking. Who knows. Perhaps the next time we go in there, they will be equal. Anya's legs and arms were measuring 31 weeks instead of 28, but it was enough for the sonogram tech to mention it.
We spent the whole weekend getting the apartment ready for the tiny girls. This included cleaning and getting rid of lots of crap. Doing all the laundry, including washing loads and loads of used baby clothes that I have been buying. We also moved almost every piece of furniture in the place to make room for the co-sleeper in the bedroom, bassinet and swings in the living room, etc. I feel so bad for Archie, though, because we moved the bed away from the window. Hopefully when we get a rocking chair, we will put it by the window and Archie will be able to sit at the window again. And of course it wasn't long before we found Archie in the co-sleeper itself. Poor guy. I hope we aren't ruining his life. If anything, he should be happy that I will be home with him all day for 3 months.
I kept getting really anxious all weekend about getting this all done. I wonder what chemicals work together to make this need to "nest" happen. While it seems good that I feel this way, I really hate the worrying that things won't be ready. It is weird, I started to feel tired and bloated and sleepy on Sunday when it looked like we might not be done over the weekend. But as soon as the co-sleeper was put together, I felt totally fine. All of the stress went away. Of course, we still need lots of things, like a changing table to store supplies (plus all the supplies), bouncy seats, and a glider/rocking chair and lots and lots of diapers, but I feel like I could bring babies home right now and the apartment would be ready. I mean, Jeff and I wouldn't be ready, but that is another story. :)
I have this one foot that is always completely swollen by dinner time. It never fails. The left foot. There might not be anything more ugly than a swollen foot. Perhaps two, but this one is just gross. I can't bare to look at it. But I have to elevate it to bring it back down and thus I am closer to it. I could be a freak in the circus with this foot. Is it just me, or do you think the circus is kinda trashy? Did you know that the Ringling Brothers circus will give you free tickets if you give birth to multiples? What on earth is that about? I remember going to the circus in 5th grade when they said they had a unicorn. Do you remember this? Or am I making it up? I am pretty sure I went and got a poster of the so-called "unicorn," which I am pretty sure was a poor little white horse with a horn implanted in its head. Anyway, the circus is kinda trashy because you can see animals is a zoo now or better yet on TV. I don't think I really believe in the zoo either, but that is another story. But besides the animals, the rest of the circus is kinda lame. No one likes clowns and if you want to see people jump around, you could always go to an ice show or something.
Anyway... that was a huge tangent.
This weekend, Jeff and I are promising each other to get the nest that is our tiny apartment ready for the tiny girls. We are going to do a full cleaning up, get rid of anything that we don't need and move all the furniture around to accommodate the co-sleeper and other tiny girl things. I will finish washing and sorting all of their clothes and hopefully be ready to bring in whatever other new devices we get at our upcoming baby shower.
Speaking of said baby shower. I have to say... first of all, I have never liked baby showers for two reasons. I don't like how the attention is all on the mother because she is the one with the big tummy. I think the attention should be equally on the father. Also, wouldn't it be nicer for the guests if the shower happened after the babies were born? I mean, there is no payoff, ya know? It is like going to the circus to see the unicorn and well, seeing a fat lady instead. Because of this, I think after a few months, when the tiny girls actually become interesting and aren't just sleeping and eating all the time, I will have a baby showing party. That way, anyone who wants to come and see my passengers can. Perhaps, admission will be one pack of diapers. Did you know that I might need 6000 diapers in the first year! And that at first we could go through 7 to 10 a day per tiny girl?! Insane. Anyway, baby showers should include the babies.
I am off to elevate my freakish foot. Tomorrow we get to see the tiny girls again. A report will follow.
Today, 28 weeks marks the beginning of the 7th month of pregnancy. The glory and "ease" of the 2nd trimester have been slowly fading for the past week or so as my tummy begins to stretch. I actually think that part has been easy for me so far because, well, I used to be really fat and my tummy had already been stretched once. But now! Well, now it is beginning to stretch beyond the former fat me. I am more than ever aware of the tiny girls inside of me. Not just the kicks and the grabs, but also heads and bums and flipping around. Sometimes I think about how if I only had one baby in there, it would seem like she had lots and lots of room because I sense that my girls have very separate living arrangements in there. Rachel lives in the bottom tummy and Anya in the top. I know this isn't true, it is just their arms and legs that I am feeling in those places.
I am becoming more and more aware of the fact that soon my life is going to change completely and forever. That I will be entering this Henry Darger/Yoshitomo Nara world of tiny girls with their tiny eyes and tiny hands. Tiny girls who will be happy and sad and a million other things. That in a way, I will be entering *their* world rather than the other way around. And that my role in their world at the very beginning will be that of milk maid. And with all things with my passengers, I never ever thought I would be happy about this or look forward to this. But here I am.
I have gained about 45 pounds and my legs, whose bones and knoby parts were recently unearthed have begun to resemble tree trunks. Quite literally. I can't say that I am happy about that, but I can say that I am not blaming anyone at all and that I look forward to the unearthing process to begin again in a few months. I doubt that I would be so forgiving if I didn't know that weight loss was and is possible.
The realities of childbirth are now clearer than ever with me. Thank you, childbirth class. Some advice, if you ever find yourself pregnant with multiples, do not go to a normal childbirthing class. You will feel left out. This past weekend, I not only took a childbirth class that lead me to believe that I would more than likely be having a c-section to get my passengers out, but I also met a Mennonite woman with 1 year old identical twins girls. She was their aunt and told me that their mother didn't know she was having twins until she gave birth to them. Makes sense, no sonograms for the Mennonites. No c-sections, I would imagine, either. So in the span of two days I saw the present and the past of twin births. And I have to say I am not all together ready for either. What I am ready for is to have two healthy babies, so I am working on thinking only about that.
My world is rainy and I have been eating peanut butter sandwiches for lunch. I started to add the smallest bit of Nutella to them today, but don't tell. It makes the sandwich taste like candy.
Our days have been filled lately with talking over and figuring out what our living arrangements will be when the girls get here. It has been slightly stressful in this housing market to even think of renting or buying a larger place. Last weekend we visited a co-op, which we thought was the answer, but sadly was not.
I don't know what it is like where you live, but a 2 bedroom apartment anywhere near us in this city is going for at least 350k. A house around the corner just sold for 600k.
Jeff and I have actually been very calm in our housing discussions, mainly I think because we know things will be ok no matter what because in less than 3 months we will have two tiny girls! The joy and craziness of that fact always overshadows trivial things like living in a one bedroom apartment with two tiny girls.
I have to say, though, that I starting to get more and more afraid of being left alone with said two tiny girls. Even though I am the oldest of three children, I have never cared for an infant. I have never thought of myself as the type of person who really likes babies. I hear some women talk about how all their lives they have wanted to be a mother and I cringe a little because I can't relate. The prospect of mothering two 4 year old girls or two 8 year old girls is much more appealling to me than two infants. I know this is something that I will get over as soon as they are here. But just as now when I feel bad that the girls have to live inside of me for so long, without being able to tell me what they need or how they feel. I am a little worried that they will have only me all day long to care for them. I am not really worried for myself, but more for them. I often see a mother holding one baby close to comfort it and I feel bad that I won't be able to do that for both of mine at once.
Sunday is our all day childbirth class. I am not looking forward to it. First of all, it is going to be geared towards women who are pregnant with one baby, I am sure. Perhaps there will be a little section of the day about birthing multiples, but I know I will feel left out of the day and slightly irrirated by all the singleton mom's with their choices and birth plans. I know I still have some choices that I can make as a woman pregnant with twins, but I also have to be prepared for them to be limited when it comes to birth. I have to say, I am also a little creeped out by being in a room full of pregnant women. I don't know why, I just am. Maybe I am wrong and it will be a very good day spent and I will learn lots. Before I got pregnant, I read all of these books about the natural childbirth movement, all of these anti-hospital books. Being pregnant with twins made my normal ObGyn practice drop me because I am considered "hi-risk", so the whole midwife center and natural childbirth thing is basically out for me. In some ways, this makes me sad. But moreso, I am a bit relieved. I am glad that my concern over having to give birth to two, not one healthly baby is making me give up the notion of some sort of special wonderful earthy birth experience. While I am not going to just give myself over to the c-section knife, I do know that it is ok for me to not worry so much about beating the system that is the over-medicalization (if that is a word) of modern childbirth. We will see how I feel about this after my birth experience, of course.
At least I know that if Sunday doesn't teach me anything useful, I already know how to get past fear and how to not fear fear. I think this will be what gets me through childbirth. My ability to stay calm and ride the rollercoaster know that things are never really as bad as you think they will be.
This post has been a bit of a downer. Sorry! I am now in the sixth month of pregnancy. I could possibly have two tiny girls in my life in as little as 10 weeks. The time is passing way too quickly and yet not fast enough. It is getting harder to sleep and walk around, but it could be and will get worse. Everyday the girls wage a great battle or have a rockin dance party in my tummy. I am reading books about parenting now, rather than pregnancy. I see mothers in stores or places yelling at their children and I want to ask them, don't you remember where they came from? Don't you remember how they got here? You would think that pregnancy and childbirth would be enough to make all mothers cherish and respect their children. But it doesn't and that makes me sad.
When discussing the type of parent I wanted to be with friends and family before I got pregnant, I would often mention that I didn't want to tell my kids what to do. I wanted to be an easy-going mom. To this I would hear that I would really just end up a pushover. I think I have finally figured this one out, though. Jeff and i have been discussing parenting a lot lately and what we really want to do is respect our children. And in respecting them, not try to control them or punish/bribe them into some arbitrary obedence. To me, there is nothing worse than a mom who says do this because I say so. Or a dad who uses fear to control a child. Nowadays it is almost as if as long a person doesn't hit their child, they think they are a good parent. But Jeff and I are really thinking a lot about how we would like to try to use discussion and reason with our girls rather than methods of control.
And these are the things that have been swim swim swimming in my head while two little girls swim in my tummy. Next week, we will see them again and measure them and see if they are growing as they should. I feel that I am. Growing as I should, in many ways. Let's hope they are doing their part as well.
Today, I feel as if I am at the top of the rollercoaster. About to be traveling faster than I knew possible. The point at which you realize that you are completely out of control of the ride and the end is going to get here too fast.
Of course I mean this in regard to my passengers. Tomorrow I will be 26 weeks pregnant! And knowing that 37 weeks is often considered "full-term" for twins means that I will more than likely have two babies in 10 weeks or so. That means that I could have babies in the month of July. I don't know what I was thinking, but I really thought I wouldn't have to start worrying about giving birth until August 1st. What was I thinking? Now I am on the speeding train, the top of the rollercoaster. Now I am holding on for the trip down. And there is this mixture of fear and excitement and my own flavor of love for both.
I look around our little apartment and think there is no way we are going to be ready in time. I think this is called "nesting." :) Well, my nest is tiny and cluttered and not ready!
Today I felt a new sensation along with kicks, tiny fingers are now grabbing at me from the inside. They are kneeding me like dough.
A few nights ago, I dreamt that my parents' cat died. She was attacked by a big dog and broke her leg. Then she just floated away, like a flying cat. Yesterday, my parents' dog, Tipsy, who was 18 fell down the stairs and injured her spine. So the dog died, not the cat. Tipsy was 18 years old and very ill, so while it is sad, she wasn't going to make it much longer anyway. I just wish she didn't have to be in so much pain at the very end.
I keep thinking about the Thames. About the walk between Big Ben and the London Eye. We went there so many times on vacation, that when I think about it, it is as if I am thinking of a place where I used to live. I am not actively thinking of this place, but it just keeps popping into my head. I want to get on a bus and go there all the time. It is so hard to have a favorite place that lives so far away. Why is it that the earth has to be so big?
Sometimes, I wonder if the girls can see my thoughts. Sometimes, I wonder if they dream my dreams. It would make sense if they could. I guess it would mean that thoughts and dreams could travel in your blood stream.
I want to send them my love of the Thames. I want them to understand this feeling that I can't quite understand myself. This love of a cold and rainy place where I spent the very first days of their creation.
I read a post on a parent's board asking how someone could teach their 18 month old to apologize for biting someone. Now, I am not in the trenches of parenthood yet, but to me that sounded like a silly thing to worry about. My big question right now is, how can I get my girls to understand a love of a certain place and time. Not as practical as apologizing for biting, I know. ;)
Every morning I wake up bigger. Rounder. This morning, I had brand new pearly white stretch marks on my top tummy. First ever stretch marks there. I wonder when they will turn red. I ran out of the bathroom to show Jeff, like I was showing him a new tooth or something lovely and fun. It must be sad to be a normal woman who finds these things gross, to think that any side-effects of making babies is ugly. After showing them to Jeff, I thought, these will never go away, wow, weird.
I am like a growing pumpkin. I wonder if a pumpkin farmer can see the increased size of his pumpkins every morning like I can? I need to me measuring my tummy. But I fear that I didn't start soon enough with the measuring and now it would be meaningless. Perhaps I am wrong.
I am a growing pumpkin. Full of little girls. A pumpkin full of girls.
That pumpkin line reminded me that the day that I got pregnant (you can actually scroll down to it! November 23rd), I wrote that I felt like the captain of a great ship. That I was ice and clouds. I took the captain line with me into the first trimester, like a little badge. I was the captain of a great ship with two passengers.
Funny how things change so fast. Now I am a pumpkin full of little girls.
We had a sonogram on Friday and the girls are getting so big! Rachel weighs 1 pound and 7 ounces. Anya weighs 1 pound and 9 ounces. At 24 weeks, babies should weigh 1 lb 7 oz. So, my girls are right on track! I am growing two babies! :)
We saw Anya sucking, moving her little lips and touching her nose. Speaking of noses, Anya very clearly has her dad's nose (second picture). There was no mistaking it in profile. :) While Anya was in profile, Rachel was looking straight at us, which was a little scary (3rd picture).
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