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| May 2005 »
Someone who I don't have a love/hate relationship with is Mr. Ricky Gervais. He is one entertainer who brings me pure joy. No matter whether he is making me cringe as David Brent on "The Office" or making me smile as himself, I always love him. He has this purity that is amazing. I noticed it first on the special features on the Office DVDs. Seeing the man laugh his huge open-mouthed full body laugh makes me so happy. And I love that everyone around him is usually totally irritated by him, but he still does whatever he wants. I love that.
He has a new show called "Extras" that will be debuting in the UK this summer, but has also been picked up by HBO! for America. It is about people who are extras on tv shows.
I was thinking, I don't think that there is anything you could tell me about that ham Ricky that would make me not like him.
http://www.rickygervais.com
I am currently listening to the "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" soundtrack. It is my favorite movie of all time, and yet I have only seen it twice. I used to watch my favorite movies of all time over and over again. When "Annie Hall" was in the top spot, when I was about 19, I think I must have watched it 50 times. And "The 400 Blows" got me out to a movie theater twice in a week. But I keep my distance from Eternal Sunshine for some reason. I think it affects me too deeply. I think I see myself too clearly when I watch that movie. I think I experience love and the pain of love too much to watch it over and over again.
And listening to the soundtrack is doing the same thing to me right now. I just get this insane emotional response. Most people I know have told me how much I remind them of Clementine in the movie, not just because of the colored hair, which is just a way to define one's self as different really, but her personality as well. I didn't go into the movie expecting it, but I guess i can see it. Ok, actually, I was shocked by it. Sometimes, I think i am more like Joel, though. Deep down. That in some ways, those characters could actually be two halfs of the same person. I love when Joel says all that mean stuff about Clementine, like... "all the hair colors. who does that bullshit when they are 30 years old." I think that about myself a lot. And knowing Clementine, I think she thinks it about herself a lot too. I don't know. I just think it is a masterpiece of character development. And it is such a small, quiet movie about love and people... the same for "Lost in Translation." I wonder a lot about when another movie like this will come out. I wonder if I will just have to watch Eternal Sunshine again to get my fix. Or perhaps I should just pay more attention to real life.
The Bruce Springsteen media blitz is driving me crazy. Matt Lauer acts like he is talking to God as he walks along side Springsteen. The interview is cut in half and shown over two days. The NPR reporter likens his music to Gospel music and talks about his new song about 911 as if it is the only song ever written. I know it is my age, but I just don't get it. Bruce Springsteen is no Johnny Cash. Hell, he isn't even Bob Dylan. But I suppose to the generation before me, Springsteen is their Johnny Cash. Bored now. I suppose my generation's Johnny Cash would have been Kurt Cobain. But thanks to Courtney, we get to keep Johnny Cash as our Johnny Cash.
Ok. Ugh. Listening to NPR again after maybe a year of staying away from it. I have to complain. They just told me how much I need to see "Mr. Smith Goes to Washington" and how it is one of the top ten movies of all time. God. I can't wait for these people to lose control of the media. Lame. Bored Now, again. I sometimes think that pundits and personalities on the radio/tv haven't seen a new movie or listened to new music in the past 15 years.
I am a little negative and testy today. haha. My tolerance for the lame is quite low, I think. Oh, then they just told me that Bill Frist is preparing to run for President. Um... The man looks like a corpse and used to adopt cats from animal shelters to "practice" on them. He lied and said he was adopting pets so that he could cut them apart! This fact is in his own book!
I think living in a "blue state" or a 90% democratic city like Washington, DC is really kinda bad for me. It makes my tolerance of "red state" ideas and people very very low. Which makes me think of the normal craft show in Anne Arundel County, Maryland this past weekend that I did with my sister. It was on a county fair grounds with a tractor pull. I didn't sell anything, which wasn't a surprise. But my sister didn't sell anything either! I am always surprised by the complete lack of imagination in places that are mostly "red state" or *whisper* republican. And Jeff always scolds me jokingly that I shouldn't be. Some things that I noticed while there: 1. So many women ugly themselves up by dressing like men in giant denim shirts. 2. Most people at these things hate bright colors. 3. My pink hair scares people. 4. True red staters don't like any jewelry not made of gold. 5. People worry too much about whether something will "match" the rest of their house or room. As if there is a special hell for the woman who adds the wrong color to her living room. 6. People buy holiday specfic items as if they have never seen them before. When I see a 50 year old woman buying a ceramic Santa Claus, I think... don't you already have 10 others of those at home? 7. Their fears and ideas of what is "strange" drive me crazy. 8. Americans are way too fat. I mean, just huge and sickly.
Anyway. I am done with "normal" craft fairs. I would like to say that I am done with red staters and conversative America, but I worry that the only way to escape that is to never leave my little Washington, DC, neighborhood. With two girls on the way, I know I will need to branch out and show them the world, no matter how unimaginative the people in it may be.
Last Monday, I weighed in at 261. This morning, 259. Hmm. So I am 6 months pregnant and I lost 2 pounds last week. And believe me I am eating and eating and eating! These babies must be using more resources than I think they are. What makes it so hard is that I don't think I have been actually hungry for weeks. I eat all day long. Perhaps it is that I am eating healthy. I have no idea. So far today, I have had a 3 egg and cheddar omelet, an ice cream sandwich, a pound of strawberries, 2 cups of Cheerios and a pint of blackberries. Plus lots of water. And it is only 11:52. How on earth will I eat lunch in an hour? I have no idea.
Jeff has been learning to cook and has been cooking huge amounts of food for me every night for dinner. BBQ chicken and fresh brocolli and steaks and baked sweet potatos. All kinds of stuff. And I nearly have to force myself to eat it all. In the middle of a huge taco dinner out last week, I said that I can't wait until I starve myself again. Of course, that isn't what I used to do, I was being funny. But really, I am so sick of eating this much food. I am beginning to not enjoy food again, like the taste of it or the action of eating. I remember when I was losing weight and I would have killed for an ice cream sandwich. Haha.
Anyway, my complicated relationship with food is ever-changing. I have gained 32 pounds in 24 weeks and I am ok with that. It is just the actual eating that is bothering me right now. I have to say that when I saw the 2 pound loss on the scale, I worried that something mystically took the babies out of my tummy and that is what the two pounds gone was. Crazy pregnant girl. Jeff says I've watched too much Buffy and Angel.
I have to say that I feel like a bit of a fraud because I haven't been writing about the emotional rollercoaster these hormones are putting me through. I tend to write only when I am happy and thus you must think I am this crazy happy girl. But the truth is, this past month has been hard. I think that since I have felt better physically, I have started to worry and worry and worry about all sorts of things. My mood swings have been a little out of control and poor Jeff has had to deal with it. I wish I knew how much of this is being pregnant and how of this is being 5 months off of Prozac. I wish. I wish. I wish I knew. No matter. I suppose I will find out when the girls get here.
We get to see the girls again on Friday, via high resolution ultrasound. I can't wait to see how much they weigh now and how big they are. I can't wait to see that they are growing at the correct rate. I think it will help to encourage me to continue the big eating.
Here is a pretty picture of my pink hair against green:
I have been feeling super super crafty this week. I have two new bracelets and a few other new things to add to the site tonight. So, check back tomorrow if you are looking for something fun and springy to buy. I am actually working on some new bait necklaces that are very summer-y, pastels and very tiny beads with not at all heavy lures. Not sure why I am making more lure necklaces, since I rarely sell them, but these are really great! I have one that I have been wearing everyday, and I have to say it is very... um... understated, considering I am wearing a fishing lure.
I have said this before, but I am trying trying trying to not worry about things that I can't control. I have been worrying too much about what will happen after the babies get here, how we will cope, etc. I have also been worrying about whether or not the girls are growing at the correct rate. All I can do for this is eat all my food and hope for the best. So funny that this time last year, I was trying NOT to eat and now I am trying TO eat. This time last year, I felt guilty about adding a fruit smoothie to my lunch for fear of drinking calories. Today, the smoothie is just the very beginning of the food that I have to eat at lunch.
Lisa at work asked me today if people are giving up their seats on the bus for me yet. I said no because I don't look pregnant, I just look fat. She thought this was very funny and said i would make a shirt that said "I'm not fat. I'm pregnant. Give me your seat." But the shirt should say, "I'm fat AND pregnant." I wonder how many overweight women have this problem when they are pregnant? I find that gaining the weight from being pregnant is actually reminding me of what it used to be like to be super fat. People aren't as nice to you when you are super fat. This is obvious, but hard to deal with. I know if I saw myself, I would think, why is that fat girl having a hard time walking up the hill? She should lose weight. My brain still haven't caught up to my scale. I am a 260 pound girl who thinks she is still that 220 pounds girl who lost 70 pounds. I am not sad about that, I actually think it is pretty interesting. Being a social scientist makes life easier.
So it has finally dawned on me that our tiny 1 bedroom apartment in DC is not going to be big enough for two babies AND Jeff and I. I think I had been kidding myself when people asked me about this. I would say, "oh, we will be ok for a year or so." Now my thinking is that we will be ok for 3 months or so and that it will be extremely cramped with all of the baby stuff that I am sure we will "need?".
So... the idea of moving is now in my head. And my nesting urges are taking over and I am feeling completely crazy about making sure we are ready for these babies. And if you saw our apartment, you would know that we are nowhere near ready.
Nearing the 6th month of pregnancy, my reading and worries have switched from the actual pregnancy to what happens when the babies get here. Breastfeeding being one of the biggests topics and of course the whole having enough room thing. As if she were reading my mind today, my street grandma, Lydia, asked if we had a place to live. This 73 year old panhandling woman is worried about my living situation. It is touching and yet, strange.
Last night, Jeff read a passage from a book outloud to me and the girls starting kicking away. We weren't sure if they were reacting to his voice, but just in case, he started reading to them. He is reading "The Golden Compass" by Philip Pullman to them. All through the first chapter, they kicked and kicked to his voice. I do hope it was in reaction to his voice and not something that I ate. :)
I have started to think about seeing them interact with one another... with one child, parents just think about the relationship they will have with the baby. But, I have started to think about how wonderful it will be to hear one girl call the other by her name or see them playing together. I don't know why, but I really can't wait for those moments.
Jeff got to feel his first kick this week, after weeks of touching my tummy and waiting. As well as weeks of me telling them to kick for Daddy. He was so excited and surprised.
I have been spending more time talking to them now that I know they are big enough to actually hear me. Before I was just talking to them in my head, not out loud as much. The other day, I told them about the trees. About how wonderful trees are. And how when the blossoms fall off of them, it looks like pink snow. I told them about the sun, both the joys and the dangers. :) I told them about Archie and about their Dad. I have to say, though, I find this out loud talking to them a little difficult. I address them as "girls" or "babies" but both are problematic because it is not an individual thing. I don't want to get used to calling them "girls" because I don't want their gender to be the first thing that identifies them. And i don't want to use a plural because they are single beings. I use their names a little, but I don't want to just address one at a time for fear that someone will feel left out. And passengers is something we call them when not addressing them directly because it is, well, just too formal.
This made me think: "We prefer Telepathy". A phrase that I was writing on my art for months last year. Looking back, a lot of the phrases that I used on my art were quite prophetic. First, the use of the word WE. As if I knew I would be this collective at some point. Of course, We prefer Telepathy. I never knew what it meant until now. Another one, "We are all pretty girls". And the biggest one is what I started writing on shirts and skirts more than a year ago: "I will have an army of clones. We will be so charming". Oh my. How strange is that? How on target is that?
Our doctor's appt yesterday seemed like little more than a formality. This is a good thing, I think. My blood pressure is normal, which is just crazy because I am overweight and pregnant with twins, walking around with a normal blood pressure. Weight gain is good and the passengers are happy. They are currently both breech. We saw their little heads side by side on the sonogram. They looked like they were conspiring, forming an alliance if you will. I am in the cake time of pregnancy right now. Let's hope I stay here a while.
Last night I nightmared that I gave birth to the passengers and they looked like they look on the ultrasound, see-through and flat. I forgot their names and kept checking for their heartbeats. Breastfeeding them made them turn into less flat versions of themselves, but then they looked like baby birds when they first hatch. All veiny and purple and gross. And there was something about the ocean and being sweep up by waves.
Getting a slurpee at the 7-11 this weekend, the man that worked there didn't have the best English language skills. While checking out my boobs, he said, "You like slurpees? Is that why you are fat?" I should have been offended by this. Any normal person would have. I said, "No. I am fat because I am pregnant with twins. Before getting pregnant with twins, I lost 70 pounds. And now, I am fat again." To this he said, "I am so sorry." Which just made me laugh and laugh. Then he pointed to my wedding ring and said, "Oh I see now." It was so funny because this whole conversation went on as if he were flirting with me. I wonder if it is ok to call a woman fat in his culture? If that is a compliment. He was lucky he said it to me and not someone who would have been offended.
Speaking of weight. I have now gained 30 pounds since getting pregnant. I am weighing in at 257 and am fine with it. 22 weeks, 30 pounds. If I can get through these next 15 weeks or so gaining only a pound a week, I will be happy. It is weird. Since I lost 70 pounds before, anything less than that gained in a twin pregnancy is fine with me. My tummy is finally starting to get a little round... while some pregnant women get this little perfect round thing, I have seem to be growing a full square in the middle of my body. I remember how it was so cool to unearth my bones when losing the weight. Like an archaeologist digging for ancient history. Now, I am losing the bones again, under hard mounds of placenta and babies. I tried to find my pelvic bones yesterday, an amazing find some months ago, now hidden deep within me again. I wonder when I will see them again, if I will see them again. And I giggle at worrying over it. So far, pregnancy has only effected my middle, though. My neck and cheek bones are still on display. No matter what, I find it all utterly fascinating and wouldn't change a minute of it.
Podcast #5 now available: "Baby boomers and Real Babies"
Um, finally. :)
On Monday a great battle began in my tummy. It was as if someone flipped a switch and said to the passengers, "go!" Because now I am feeling little feet and hands, kicking and hitting me right under my belly button all the time. It usually starts at around 10:30, about 2 hours after I eat breakfast. I will feel one little jab and then two more and then one more. The first time it happened, it had this pattern to it that it made me laugh out loud. It was as if they were telling me a joke.
Today, it happened 2 hours or so after every meal. Weird. Before, I felt them as little flutters or more like swimming fish. But now, I feel the jabs of tiny hands and feet. And it always makes me laugh.
After days of stormy storms that I thought would never end, I woke up to the loveliest sun and warmth. I remember when I was really really fat and unhappy, I used to grumble at such a perfect spring day, worried that it just meant summer would be here soon. And summer is the enemy of the fat girl. But this morning, I have kicking babies in my tummy and I am wearing orange and blue and my hair is a wild mess of pink and I feel like it is the beginning of a movie that will have no conflict. And I can't wait for summer now. Sure, my ankles will be swollen and I will be huge and girthy, but it will mean that we are closer to having the girls here.
This morning I had the happiest, prettiest bus driver in the world. She made me want to ride the bus all day. Instead, I make the most of my 10 minute ride by sitting back and letting my feet dangle. I listen to Heavenly on shuffle and Amelia Fletcher's voice reminds of other places and times and she is snarky and silly and I love it. I pretend my bus is a Ferris Wheel and I wonder when the next time I will get to ride a Ferris Wheel will be.
Jeff and I have been doing a lot of shopping for clothes now that we know who the passengers are. He always picks out the pinkest and girliest things now, which is so funny. I am the one who searches through the second hand store for all of the Halloween clothes. Onies with ghosts and happy skeletons and cats dressed as witches. I can't wait to see which child likes which style better. I have to say, it is hard for me to not buy two of everything. Old Navy has a baby shirt that says "We Love the Sea" and it was so hard to just buy one of them. So instead of two of the same, we are buying two similar things. At the second hand store, I was so lucky to find two little size 24 month dresses that were the same size and shape, but different colors. One is blue with a whale on it and one is orange with oranges on it. Blue and orange. In an effort for the girls to feel like individuals, we are making sure each has her own clothes. This means, after every shopping trip, I bring out all of the new/used purchases, divide them by size and then start marking the tag with either an 'A' or an 'R'. I know they won't care about having their own clothes when they are newborns, but it is good to start early. Some of the used stuff I bought must have come from a set of twins as well, since they were all marked with an 'H' and and 'J'. With twins, I feel like I will be buying and getting rid of children's clothes for the rest of my life. As with everything with this whole experience, I didn't realize Jeff and I would enjoy it so much. He said the most lovely thing the other morning. He said, "I am so excited for the girls." I said why? He said, "Because soon they get to be alive."
Yes, alive. In blue and orange.
Anya and Rachel
Jeff named one (Rachel) and I named one (Anya). Middle names to come at the time of their birth. I have been hearing that Anya is too weird and Rachel is too normal. I think that is actually the point of pairing them together.
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