The pink hair caused a big ruckus while I was getting my lunch today. I would imagine it is because it is all out and big today and not put back in panda ears. It made me think about the benefits of not being so visibly loud. This made me think of what kind of long term affects my pink hair have on people? haha. No, seriously. I worry sometimes that I negatively impact little kids with it. I always here little girls telling their moms, "I want pink/blue/purple hair," as I walk by. I wonder how often my whimsy causes a mom to say "no" to her daughter.

Ah, and I always move back to motherhood. Last night, I had a bit of explosion of emotions. I think that being pregnant with twins has made me ignore my worries about becoming a mother in general. I am so wrapped up in the whole twin thing, that my old phobias about motherhood have been stuffed away. So, last night, I saw this Cingular wireless commerical, where a set of super cool in that O.C. way male triplets all come home from college for their mother's birthday. I reacted to this commerical in such a crazy way. It sent me to the bedroom in angry tears. I told Jeff about the commerical and about how those guys totally don't love their mother. They love beer and skiing and whatever cool O.C. boys love. And that I wondered what the whole point of this was since no one I knew really loved their mother. This was just totally out there and Jeff let me know it.

I guess I just worry that no matter what I do, at some point, my kids will feel like I harmed them somehow. Like I loved them too much or not enough or who even knows. Everyone is messed up somehow and it seems more than ever, people blame it on their parents. Maybe deep down, I have this fear of being rejected by my kids; even though I know it is a natural part of growing up.

I am sure all new moms worry about these things. I know I am not the first. And once again I think about how lucky I am that so many of the real worries of pregnancy are voided for me by modern medicine and life. That I can afford these emotional concerns. I wonder what the top concern of my greatgrandma who had 22 kids was. I am sure it wasn't being rejected by her children or not being loved. I'm sure it was food and clothes and losing her little ones to illness.

I am lucky. I am a fortunate panda. I am golden. I need to remember these things.