I have been having an emotionally bad day. 20 weeks pregnant. Half way there for a normal pregnancy, a little over half for a twin pregnancy. But let's just say half. Pregnancy is pretty easy right now, still tired and a little bit of muscle pain, but other than that the physical stuff isn't so bad.

Emotionally, though, I am just feeling down. And I hate this because I know better. I wonder if this is just hormones or if it is hormones mixed with being off of the prozac for nearly 3 months now. I just feel like all I can do now is wait. Wait and wait and wait. And while I wait, I can feel guilty about every food choice I make or don't make. Guilty that I am not eating enough vegetables, guilty that I am eating too much fruit, guilty that I am not eating enough in general or drinking enough water. Ugh. Guilt is crap.

Jeff's mom Tivo-ed a bunch of episodes of TLC's "A Baby Story" for us and we watched them this weekend. It seemed like hours and hours of them. The first one showed a mom of two giving birth vaginally to a set of twins. I got so upset because the women just screamed and freaked out and I was thinking that she had already done this twice! She should have been way better at it and way more calm. Then there were two other first time moms who did just fine and were really calm and strong. I wonder how much of these shows was editing. The c-sections really upset me. All of the doctors seem to act like it is so easy. So fast! But I just kept feeling like the women would end up with emotional problems based on their inabilty to do their job. Then there is the whole, does the husband stay with the wife after the c-section or follow the babies to the nursery. What a terrible decision to have to make. Jeff and I talked about it and he said he would stay with me until he knew that I was ok. Which is so lovely, but then makes me sad for the babies. What a mess.

Then there was all this extended family bonding on these shows. People who invited their whole families over the day they came home from the hospital, people who had these huge extended families passing around babies like some sort of communial food or something. Watching 20 people kiss a new baby made me feel sick, thinking of all the germs these people must have brought with them.

There just seems to be this lack of privacy in these shows, and I don't just mean the cameras. One mom who had a c-section was very upset to come home to 5 people all watching her feed the baby on her first day home. I felt for her, but she should have known better. I don't know. I just find that with new babies, everyone is so eager to see, touch, hold the new baby, that the mom gets lost in the mix. If that is selfish of me to say, then I am selfish.

I have never been one to understand the cult of babies. And I kinda think that will make me a better mom somehow. Sure, I am fully entrenched in this new world, but I don't understand it yet. Jeff and I always always thought about having "kids" not babies and I still wish this whole birth and first months were optional. Part of it might be my own fears of being able to take a back seat to the passengers. Of being able to accept help from people, which with twins I will have to do. I have all of these fears and with them, guilt is never far.

Watching all of these episodes of "A Baby Story" made me realize how little I know about being a "normal" woman, or being a "normal" American, whatever that is. That land they edit together for that show is a strange land to me. And I can't begin to put my finger on how or why.

Perhaps it is partly the privacy issue, or my inability to feel this sort of "group joy." When Jeff and I got married, we did so at the courthouse, not wanting a huge wedding where we were to play the roles of loving and lovely. I didn't want anyone there with us, but our parents ended up there somehow. I know a lot of my feelings about that were because I was severely depressed at the time. I know Jeff is the same way about these things as I am, but I know his is more about being an only child. I wonder where mine comes from. My avoidance of group joy. And isn't it terribly ironic that someone like me who blogs and records her entire life would feel this way? It is ok for me to share with you, whoever you are, but when it comes to people I should share joy with, I close myself off. I am so cynical about weddings and baby showers to the point that I rarely attend them. Perhaps it is that real moments of joy, pure joy, come so rare when they are planned, ya know? Perhaps it isn't about group joy, but planned joy. And real, unplanned joy isn't always so cleanly felt. Like the day we found out that we were having twins. I remember that day as this pure joy, but along with it came this pure fear and dread.

I might be rambling here. I am just really trying to work out my current feelings. I know that tomorrow, the sun will shine and I will be this crazy force of joy again. I will be one day closer to knowing who my babies are and all of this will sound so silly.