I know I have said it many many times before... but now it is frelling true:

i will have an army of clones. we will be so charming.

The only thing I didn't know about that prophetic line is that they will be clones of each other, not clones of me.

It took a day to get over the initial fear of having twins. I mean, there will be future fears, but I found that this morning I had this sense of calm that I haven't known since I found out I was pregnant.

I was thinking this morning, that everything I have done in the past 5 years was for this. For these new people. Losing 70 pounds, battling depression, getting out of debt, learning to understand myself. It sounds so Oprah or Dr. Phil. Sorry. But it is like if I were ever going to be ready to have twins it is now. It was easy to lose sight of those things when I first found out I was pregnant. Easy to wonder if I would be a good mom, if this was the right time, if Jeff and I were ready for this new stage in our relationship. But now, those fears seem so silly. Having two babies in there makes me know it is right. I wonder why that is? I even don't feel afraid about dumping the Prozac now. It seems silly to think I ever worried about it. So strange.

I am no longer having a baby. I am having a team. And for some reason that makes me stronger. I thought that when I cried so hard at the sonogram yesterday, when we got our first view of the passengers, that I was crying out of fear. Intense fear. But now it feels like I was mourning the loss of the inital fear of pregnancy. I was mourning the loss of being able to sort of afford a certain kind of fear. Mourning the loss of that frightened pregnant girl who was having such a hard time dealing with one baby. Now I have to be this other person. Now I AM this other person. Stronger and more awake some how.