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| February 2005 »
:::on going off of my beloved prozac:::
I am finally feeling the loss of the prozac from my system. Yesterday I called some people I don't even know, "worms." Nice. I felt like the old old me. I also told Jeff that I hated someone. Happy prozac me would have never tolerated such. While I am very disappointed, at least I know why I am feeling these little surges of rage. And I guess it would be worse. I remember when it was. I guess as long as I can recognize it, I can fight it. Oh! But going off of prozac has made it so that I concentrate to read again!
:::new symptoms of pregnancy:::
Nearing week 12 of pregnancy, dizziness is the new nausia. I can't get up or sit down without the room spinning spinning spinning. And I am short of breath all the time. This is because being pregnant increases the blood in your body by 45%! I began last week to take the bus to and from work. It is easy in the afternoon, but the morning is crap. It is packed and people are mean and smelly. And I am not pregnant enough yet to beg a seat. It does make me way way less tired, though and that is good. Oh! Let me tell you about the stretch marks! I have always had them because of my weight gain and loss. But now I have really bad ones between my underarms and boobs. ANd they itch! I know, gross, sorry!
:::"and we forgot all the names/the names we used to know":::
Last night, Jeff and I went to the 9:30 club to see Jeff's favorite band, The Arcade Fire. After a few minutes there I noticed the lack of ciggy smoke. Then I noticed the No Smoking signs. Whoohoo! The 9:30 club is non smoking! Amazing. The second hand smoke was one thing that I worried about when going to see a band play while pregnant, now I didn't have to worry at all about that. It was an early show, but I was still tired, so we sat in the balcony. The opening act was this solo violinist who used a techie thing to record samples of his violin and play them back during the song, so that it sounded like a whole string section. He was Canadian and amazing. I will find his name... i think it was Owen and he played violin on the Arcade Fire record. As soon as the music started, the babies start hopping around in there. First Twin A who is usually the second to do anything, then Twin B. To this, Jeff said, "they like music" which made me cry because I am pregnant and emotional and newly off of prozac. hehe. This happened off and on all night long. One would start hopping around and then the other. Let's hope they weren't totally harmed by the loud music. The Arcade Fire are amazing, though... I love a band with violins and an accordian. They are a 7 piece and remind me of a post goth Belle and Sebastian. I mean, the songs sound nothing like B&S, but they tell stories and lovely ones at that. THe band has boys and girls and everyone passes around instruments. I say post goth because they all dress in black and suits and stuff... the record is called "Funeral". The main girl is Canadian and her stage presence reminded me of The Bride of Frankenstien in a silent movie. Amazing and enchanting. Gothy can be so lame, but these guys get it just right. They made me think about how all of the indie bands that I loved in the early 90's were really very bad. Haha. You can download mp3s from them at mergerecords.com. I was totally impressed and the show goes down in the list of my top 5 favorites, I think. And that is saying at lot as I think Jeff and I have been to at least 1000 live shows since we started dating. 1994 alone, i think we saw something like 234. It might have been 1995. Anyway, it is up there with the first time I saw Belle and Sebastian right after "If you are feeling sinister" came out, crazy. I am old. During the whole show, I was thinking... I so hope my kids wanna learn to play the drums. I so hope my kids aren't too normal.
:::what kind of mom do i wanna be:::
so i have been thinking alot about what kind of mom i wanna be. this is exciting. more on this later... but it is becoming a huge topic for me.
My dreams are filled with twins.
Last night, I dreamt that I was in line to sign up for school. A whole other story because I am constantly dreaming about school. Anyway, I was in line. And infront of me were two little girls. One was smaller and shorter than the other. Then off to the right was a third girl. The smaller of the two infront of me had pig tails, and her roots were blond while the rest of her hair was brown. I realized that the first two girls were friends, and the third was the little one's twin. The first twin looked at me and told me she liked my hair. Then I said, "tell your mom I like your hair!" She smiled and said, "you just told her, silly!" Funny.
The only thing upsetting about the dream was that one twin was so happy and full of energy while the other was off to the side and kind of sullen. Perhaps it is just how I saw the passengers in the sonogram the other day. Even the positions were correct. TWIN B on the left, TWIN A on the right. I wonder if the friend in the middle represented the membrane between them? Weird.
Dreams are rad. I can't wait to see if my dreams of girl twins mean something. I will laugh if we go in there at the next sonogram and see boy parts.
It was immediate. It really was. As soon as the transvaginal sonogram wand (fun terms) brought the passengers into view, we also saw it. The Membrane. There it was, clearly visible between the passengers. Twin B actually smacked its little head against it as if to say, '"see, i told you we had one." The new twins specialist then typed the word MEMBRANE on the screen and printed out an image of just that, as if it were some precious third baby who deserved a picture all to itself. We looked at our precious membrane for a few seconds until TWIN B caught our attention. TWIN B is a total spazz. Oh my. So much jumping around, arms flailing, legs kicking, head knocking into the membrane between them. I felt like I was watching someone moshing or something. This baby was like... whaaaaaa! Then on to TWIN A. TWIN A was much calmer, a few arm movements, but a definate heartbeat, so no worries.
So, new diagnosis is just normal monozygotic twins, or idenitcal twins. It is still early of course, but the fearful original diagnosis of crazy rare, no membrane between them twins is gone.
Oh and it appears that the egg split after two days of conception. Which means that our one egg became two passengers while we were at Stonehenge on vacation. Freaky, weird. Perhaps they will have super powers too. I look back at that picture that Jeff told of me there and think... wow, my body was doing the weirdest thing right then.
Next week we get one of those scary 3D sonograms just to make sure things are still ok and look for anything else strange. But for now, we are so happy. Our passengers have arms and legs and a membrane between them and one is calm and the other is a spazz.
And now I know that when they tell me something, that I need to listen. They have told me two things so far before the machines could. First that they were twins and second that they had a membrane between them. I have a direct line to them and I will not ever ignore it. I can't wait to see what they tell me next.
Oh... and no, we couldn't tell the gender yet. Maybe next week.
Tune in tomorrow for the new sonogram pictures... we don't have a scanner at home.
********************************************* and earlier today...
Weighed myself this morning. 237.5 pounds. So I have gained about 10 pounds since I got pregnant and about 13 pounds since before Thanksgiving and vacation. It is funny because as "they" say, it really is a different kind of weight. I don't see any of it in my face at all. I just see it in my tummy and my bum. Oh and the boobs are huge. And my wedding ring still fits on my pointer finger, up from the ring finger when i was my fattest. I love the word fattest! So the kind of weight gain that would have totally freaked me out and sent me into a rage before pregnancy isn't bothering me too much.
second post of the day:
my snow is huge. they are like snow feathers rather than flakes. i feel like i am in a snow globe or on the set of a bad christmas movie with fake snow falling. it isn't even falling. it is just sorta swirling and floating around, confused.
first post of the day:
I spent the weekend watching the snow fall. At the height of the storm, the flakes looked like they were trying to push their way in. They hit the wall of windows in our living room like tiny cold birds.
On Saturday, I got my records from the regular OBGYN in the mail. THis made me happy because i learned some more things about my passengers. I learned that on the day of the first sonogram they both had heartbeats. One was 164 bpm and one was 168 bpm. I also learned that they were nearly the same size, 2.0 cm and 1.9 cm, which means that the egg split very early on. The terms they used were, 2.0 cm crown to rump. I love the word rump.
Our first appointment with the perinatiologist... however you spell that is tomorrow. We also have a sonogram tomorrow. And I am a little worried that we will be able to see the gender. I kinda don't want to know yet. I mean, I do want to know... but it just seems too soon. But with all things with twins, everything happens too soon. My sister was marvelling at the fact that I am already almost 3 months pregnant. SHe was like... hmm. you prolly only have like 5 months left, or maybe 4! Since twins sometimes come early. I hope not, I hope I carry these guys full term.
What else? I am starting to feel much much better. I don't even have to wear the seasickness wrist bands anymore.
I made 20 tshirts this weekend that say, ::I like my boobs:: haha. I made them for a craft show that is being put on for a staging of the Vagina Monologues in WV. See the website: http://vdayshepherdstown.org/. I will put up whatever I don't sell after the show.
I will have more tales of my passengers after tomorrow. Wish me luck, although I think I enjoy sonograms too much.
Well. I want to say that yesterday was a bad day, but as with most bad days, in the end, it was fine. So my theory that anything that doesn't kill ya makes you stronger is indeed true.
First, we woke up to see that our dog, Archie was bleeding from his penis! UGh! Poor guy. This wasn't a huge shock because Jeff had seen blood in his urine the night before, but still. So we went straight to the vet and were told that it was one of 3 things. URinary infections, bladder stones or the dreaded prostate cancer. Lucky for us, we knew by the end of the day that it was a wicked infection. He got meds, and he should be fine. One bullet dodged.
Then in the afternoon, I got a call from the midwife at my OBGYN practice. She first asked me if I knew the result of my sonogram from a week ago. Yes, I am having twins, I said. Then she went on in a very cold way to tell me that the doctors in the practice have decided that my pregnancy is too high risk for them and that I will need to go somewhere else! This is when I started to get upset. Too risky? Twins? Don't people have twins all the frelling time? Then I asked the question. Is there more? Yes, there was. She went on to tell me that my twins were Monochorionic and Monoamniotic. Which means that not only do they share a house, but they also share a room in the house. That they don't have the normal membrane between them that would give them their own amniotic fluid. This is the rarest kind of twins and leads to all kinds of potential complications. Most of which is cord entanglement. This leads to bed rest for the mom before birth, then c-section at a month early and this premature babies. Worst case, of course.
So, there I am... with names and numbers of specialists. Of course, I am a smart girl. I went online and started to research. This is what I found out. It is hard to tell if twins are Monoamniotic that early and with only a normal ultrasound machine. The membrane between the babies is extremely thin and sometimes you can't see it until 12 weeks and then only with those freaky high resolution ultrasound machines. Also, I have two yolk sacs, which also means that the babies prolly have a membrane between them. I mean, no matter what, having twins is risky anyway, so I should have been ready for this, but still. SO, as of this morning, we have a new doctor who is at Georgetown University Hospital, who is a specialist in multiple births. We have a new ultrasound and appt scheduled for next Tuesday. His nurse talked to me for 20 minutes or so and made me feel so much better.
Last night, I started to cry and then immediately burst out laughing. I just couldn't stop laughing. It was the babies telling me they were ok. I can only say that I got this huge surge of happiness from them and clarity. They told me they were twins before the machines told me, so I am apt to believe them.
So, what seemed so horrible at first has turned into a good thing. Better doctor, better hospital, more understanding of twins in general. I am positive now that things happen for a reason. Not because of God... but because of something more powerful.
For more information on mono/mono twins go here, http://www.monoamniotic.org/
I feel like I am finally used to being pregnant. The sensitive boobs don't as much hurt as they are just irritating. I am wearing maternity pants and I feel so much better. I have gained 8 pounds and it is ok. The only thing that I can't seem to handle yet is having to go to bed so early. I get tired at around 8, but I try to hold out until at least 9.
We went to the daycare next to Jeff's work this week. We got information and applications (plural). Haha. We also confirmed how much it is going to cost. $2100 a month for both babies. Insane. Of course this information has made us mildly... ok... extremely stressed out. We are trying to look at our options and see what else we can do. I am just really afraid of getting out of the work force. I really don't want to do that. But then I worry that once they are here I won't want to give them up all day. One baby wouldn't have even made me think of all of this stuff, so it is kinda cool. Thinking about my place in the world and such. About what kind of mom I want to be. I think there is positive in both being a stay at home mom AND being a working mom. I don't want my kids to grow up thinking that women don't work... but then again... I don't want to feel like I am abandoning them. We have some other options that involve getting my sister to be their nanny... but it is all very far off. I also want to make sure that we can afford to stay in the city. I don't want to raise my children in the hell that is the suburbs of Washington, DC. I don't want to raise my children around strip malls and cars. I want my kids to be healthy, smart city kids who walk everywhere. I want the National Mall to be our backyard and mueseums to be our fun and sushi to be fast food. I almost feel like having twins is going to make me such a better parent than if there were just one. My whole self is involved in this now. ALL of my choices. ALL of my everything.
I was feeling particularly bad yesterday, so I stayed home from work. I think I really needed some sleep because I overdid it this weekend. I spent the day with my family on Sunday, shopping for maternity clothes. And Saturday we hung out with Mike and Edie and ate sushi and played Dance Dance Revolution. No naps at all!
So yesterday, I slept about 8 hours, only getting up to eat. I felt like a bear or something. It is so weird to have to worry so much about things like eating and sleeping.
I bought a few pieces of baby clothes on clearance at Old Navy, but then I thought... I shouldn't be buying any clothes at all! People love to buy baby clothes for you at baby showers and stuff. So I will try to stop buying baby clothes for a while.
I brought home a bassinett from my sister's house on SUnday. When I brought it into the house, Jeff said, "that is so big! and it is only one!" Haha.
Today I am 10 weeks pregnant. I wish I had a screen on my tummy so that I could watch the passengers grow. I think my babies are fetuses now and not just embryos anymore. I want a glass window to the passengers, like a glass bottom boat. I want a direct line to hear their hearts beating all day long.
***************************************************
And now for an update on my weight. I started pregnancy a few pounds up because of vacation and XMAS. At my smallest weight in November, I was 70 pounds gone. I weighed 227 the day I found out I was pregnant. This morning, I weighed in at 235. That means I have gained 8 pounds. Weight gain in the first trimester is supposed to be 3 to 5 pounds for one baby. So I am guessing a little more for two. That means that I am gaining too much weight. The day before I found out I was having twins, Jeff mentioned to me that I was eating like a fat girl again. I agreed and put a stop to it. Then I saw both passengers and realized why I was eating so much. People keep telling me, "it's ok, you are pregnant!" But that is not an excuse to eat cheese fries. :) It might be an excuse to eat a burger which I would have never ever eaten during my weight loss journey. But I need to make sure I don't use it as an excuse to eat ice cream whenever I want. It is weird, though, the 8 pounds added on haven't gotten to my face or hands or legs, they are all in my tummy and bum. I wonder if that means they are good weight?
I whined a little about how big my materinty clothes are, but really... they make me look healthy and plump and lovely. I am a plumpling and it is ok.
If I am very still, I can feel my passengers moving. It feels like a tiny swirl, like a fish doing a somersault. I am a fish bowl.
I know it might seem too early for this, so I looked it up and like most things with twins, feeling them move comes early. I was telling Brian this morning about it and then I felt the little jolt. Right here at work. I didn't even have to concentrate. I am an aquarium.
Every morning, I wake up happier. More alive. More aware. More me. The nausia is getting a little better. But the sleepiness just gets bigger and bigger. That is ok. The passengers like me to sleep, so I will sleep.
Today is day two off of Prozac. The little pill that turned me into this lovely creature 3 years ago. I don't miss taking it. But I have worried a little today that my headache is some kind of side effect. But I hope it is just a pregnancy headache. I will have to watch this closely.
Last night, Archie walked up to me, sniffed my tummy (my bottom tummy where the passengers live) and then suddenly jumped back. He looked at me in horror. It was hilarious. So, can dogs smell pregnancy? I bet they sure can.
I know I have said it many many times before... but now it is frelling true:
i will have an army of clones. we will be so charming.
The only thing I didn't know about that prophetic line is that they will be clones of each other, not clones of me.
It took a day to get over the initial fear of having twins. I mean, there will be future fears, but I found that this morning I had this sense of calm that I haven't known since I found out I was pregnant.
I was thinking this morning, that everything I have done in the past 5 years was for this. For these new people. Losing 70 pounds, battling depression, getting out of debt, learning to understand myself. It sounds so Oprah or Dr. Phil. Sorry. But it is like if I were ever going to be ready to have twins it is now. It was easy to lose sight of those things when I first found out I was pregnant. Easy to wonder if I would be a good mom, if this was the right time, if Jeff and I were ready for this new stage in our relationship. But now, those fears seem so silly. Having two babies in there makes me know it is right. I wonder why that is? I even don't feel afraid about dumping the Prozac now. It seems silly to think I ever worried about it. So strange.
I am no longer having a baby. I am having a team. And for some reason that makes me stronger. I thought that when I cried so hard at the sonogram yesterday, when we got our first view of the passengers, that I was crying out of fear. Intense fear. But now it feels like I was mourning the loss of the inital fear of pregnancy. I was mourning the loss of being able to sort of afford a certain kind of fear. Mourning the loss of that frightened pregnant girl who was having such a hard time dealing with one baby. Now I have to be this other person. Now I AM this other person. Stronger and more awake some how.
Saturday night before bed, I told Jeff... I think I have twins in there. I think I have known all along, I said. He said not to worry because we would see on the sonogram on Monday. That has been my joke, fear, all along actually... having more than one passenger. Everyone kept telling me, don't worry, you aren't on fertility medicine, no worries, twins don't run in your family.
Well, we went in for the sonogram this morning. As the sonographer was prepping, I said, will we be able to see how many we have in there? Of course I pretended to be joking. She said, why, did you take fertility meds? Nope, I said. Well, because there are two babies in here. I want to say I was shocked, but I wasn't. It was kinda like getting confirmation that you got into the only college you applied for. At the sight of those TWO little beans head to butt inside of me, I started to cry like I have never cried before. Happiness and fear all at once. Jeff just stood there staring at the screen. We also found out that my passengers are in the same compartment. So they are most likely identical. Clones if you will. Of course, I am only 9 weeks pregnant, so we don't know what flavor they are yet.
This explains why I have been so so sick and so so sleepy and have already gained 7 pounds. This explains everything. The dreams about twins, everything. It also makes a lot of decisions for me... obgyn versus midwife practice... we are going to go with the obgyn. Buying a car? Um, yes.
I guess this just means that I can never do anything normally... that I am always full of surprises. That is me. Surprise girl.
I threw up in someone's garden this morning. Right in front of the Starbucks on 16th and U. My first session of public vomitting actually went ok. I kept telling myself, 'don't get emotionally involved.' And I didn't. I just stood there throwing up over the fence into the garden. Jeff also dealt with it really well too. I didn't even turn around and go home. Even though I was resolved to remain detached from the fact that I was vomitting in public, I still cried a little, which was kinda pretty. Warm tears on cold cheeks.
********************************************************* what are you eating?
I have had two email questions about what I am eating now that I am pregnant. When I was on the weight loss journey, I basically had three main things that I ate: sushi, Subway and lean quizine meals. I also ate lots of fruit and stuff. Now that I am pregnant, obviously I can't eat raw sushi anymore and the frozen meals have too much sodium in them. And subway makes me vomit now. I have found that if I eat all day long, I won't throw up... thus, I sit here at my desk with something to eat at all times. This is hard on a girl like me who has been doing the exact opposite for a year or so.
Here is what I have eaten today:
- gingerale
- banana muffin
- cheerios
- babybel mini cheedar cheese
- 4 saltines
- water
- ginergale
- more cheerios
- au bon pain grilled chicken sandwich with cheedar cheese, cucumbers and field greens and sundried tomato spread on rosemary bread
- an orange (which is messy!)
- some cashews
- almonds
- more water
that is it so far. I will most likely get a burger and salad for dinner and a fruit smoothie. It is wayyyyy too much food. But at least I think I am making ok choices. NOt enough legumes or veggies... but veggies are turning my stomach right now.
Well, I know that was exciting! ;)
The 4 o'clock dark that looked so depressing from my work window takes me by surprise as I exit the glassy building. Surprise because it brings me suddenly alive. Fake January summer has been replaced by something new, something wonderful. The nippy nip draws me from my baby brain and I am a sparkler. Taking the sidewalk in big strides, last remaining xmas lights shine on me like tiny suns and I feel like my self for the first time since this new journey began. And I smile deep in my core, so deep. My coat is one size too big and vintage-y and looks like a sofa. Blue and blown. It swings at my knees. I am carrying home Jake's art bag with the pages of the comic book Jeff is writing and Jake is drawing, safely inside. The art bag is flung across my chest and I feel like a right little art school girl. A right little art school girl.
The cold is wet and spit spaty, like London was when we were there. I whisper to my passenger, "this is what the weather was like the day you were made." And I remember walking along the banks of the Thames in the cold wet. The Thames must love bridges. She has so many. That was the first day that I wrote: "I am the captain of a great ship. I am ice and clouds." Did I know somewhere deep inside that that day was special? Was it my passenger making it's plans for me? Was I the captain of a great ship before I got pregnant or did I become one that day? I am a question girl. So full. Of questions. A right little question girl.
I am 8 weeks pregnant today. I wonder how long it used to take a ship to cross the Atlantic from Europe to America. I wonder how many ancient across the ocean voyages my journey will equal. I will have to look that up. I wonder if I could give birth on a ship? It is funny because I have never written about this... but i called my website ilikeseamonsters because well, seamonsters scare me. And I love getting past fear. I love the place right past fear. So, I figured, if i say I like seamonsters, I won't be afraid of them anymore. Plus they are pretty and scary, which is how all girls should be. But for real, at some point as an adult, I got this fear of boats and waves and underwater. Red Lobster commericals used to, ok, still, freak me out. So, what does it mean that the sea has become my mascot? I don't know.
I am secretly still wanting to name the baby Shipwreck. I will have to get some old sea captainy books and look for other nautical words that are more pretty. Cordelia means daugher of the sea, but I fear that a daughter named Cordelia would become a Playboy bunny or at the very least a cheerleader.
My passenger still has flaps instead of arms today... but the little fish will soon become armed. She or he is the size of a cherry now. Armed cherry. I ate blackberries yesterday. Unarmed.
I have been quiet. Oh so quiet.
Actually, I have been away from my computer because I was hosting my 7 year old niece, Brittney for the weekend. Jeff and Brian and I took her to her first sushi bar place for New Year's Eve dinner. Lucky for her, they also serve burgers. The night also included many rounds of Dance Dance Revolution and Taiko Drum Master, which we finally know how to play. Taiko Drum Master makes me want to be a really lazy drummer in a really bad band. Just so I can bang on things when I wanna. We four watched the ball drop over a serious game of Spongebob Uno. And as Jeff said, there are no friends in Uno. It was a pretty fun evening.
The next day, Brittney got sick with a headache and other things and we felt so bad for her. She slept through most of the Lemony Snickett movie in the theater, but we watched Harry Potter 2, twice at home. She went home this morning and I hear she now has a fever of 101 and chills. Ugh. My first kid weekend, and the kid has pnemonia.
I spent most of the day today sleeping on the couch with my smelly dog while Jeff played Halo2. Very relaxing. Then I made 10 fertility goddess bracelets with some rad beads that I have been saving for a while. Adding those to the store right now!
My hands are looking a little meaty tonight. I find that the "morning sickness" is better when I get like 12 hours of sleep a day. And the headaches are nearly gone. Jeff and Brian figured out this morning over brunch at the gay steak house that the headaches were most likely caffiene withdrawl. I know all the smart boys. Now that I have the caffiene kicked, I just have to try and up my water intake from 4 to 8 glasses a day. I weigh 230 today. That is a sad number for me personally, but I am getting used to knowing that I will see the scale go up. I have already gained more than I wanted to. I am dealing with that pretty well. Someone wrote to me concerned that I am equating pretty with thinner... Hmm... well. I spent 5 years weighing nearly 300 pounds and I always thought I was pretty then. I did feel sick all the time, though. At 70 pounds gone, though, I am the prettiest I have ever been and i will not apologize for that. I think that the "fat positive" movement kept me very very unhealthy for a long time. I don't think that any girl who is seriously overweight should let people hold them back from health. I know this is a gender politics thing. But I was always a "fat girl" who was lovely and enjoyed life and didn't let it stop me from doing anything. Well, at some point, that fat girl became obese and it was time to deal with myself. Look at myself for real and stop hiding behind my weight. And that fat positive movement really lets some of us hide behind our weight. Of course it isn't as bad as the weight loss industry, but that is another topic altogether. Anyway, here is my advice. Love yourself no matter what you weigh. But also, love yourself ENOUGH to know when it is time to help yourself. I wish I would have known this sooner.
So... yes, I have lost 70 pounds and yes, now I will gain some because of my passenger and it is ok that I mourn that. It is ok if I look at my face in the mirror and frown at the pounds coming back on. It doesn't mean that I don't think I am beautiful. If anything, it just means that when the passenger arrives, I will be more than ready to finish my weight loss journey. To me that is a comfort, not selling out.
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