i saw her again just now. my pretend grandma. she was standing on the corner with a cup. i never know if she is collecting money because she doesn't look homeless. and i see her on her way to work in the morning. i have seen her on her way to work and panhandling off and on for 10 years. we always talk. we always smile.

merry christmas, she said as I walked past her to the CVS. Merry Christmas, I replied. The whole time in the CVS, I am thinking about her cup and whether or not she is actually panhandling or just standing there in the freeze with a cup. And I wonder if at 74, she even knows. So, I take $5 out of my wallet and make my way out to see her. I walk up to her with my $5 and try to give it to her.

No, she says. You need it for your holiday. No, I don't, I say. Now I am getting worried that I am offering money to someone who is indeed NOT panhandling. No, really, this is for you, I say. To this she says, you know what I want you to do with that? I want you to have a christmas party for all the little kids. She says this with a twinkle in her eye. I ask her if I can give her a hug. I do. And i whisper, it is nice to see you. I whisper this and in my arms I feel my own grandma. Fraile and soft. I pull away and my pretend grandma's eyes are sparkley with tears. This is a bad tv moment, but it is ok.