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| January 2005 »
Last night, in conversation with Jeff, I said "my baby" for the first time. One step closer to owning this. It is weird how a planned pregnancy can be so difficult to get used to. I blame feminism. haha. I have spent so little time in my life thinking about the actual reality that as the girl, I am the one to carry this passenger.
Are you sick of hearing me complain yet? I sure am. I am becoming a bit of a drag, I think.
We have this HD cable now that we have a new big HDTV. On one of the Discovery channels, there is this show called Sunrise Earth. Every morning, there is a different nature scene and sunrise. It is insanely calming. So much better than watching that clown Katie Couric ramble on about stupid things. This morning on Sunrise Earth, I watched a sunrise over a field of cows. Cows are the most lovely creatures in the world, besides octopi. The grass was so green and the cows were tan and I felt like a farm girl. After the sun came up, the cows began to eat the green green so gingerly. Not like a hungry dog, but just so calmly. I have never seen anything eat so calmly. I thought about how cows are vegitarians and about how we reward them for this by eating them. I thought about India where the cows are more respected and about other countries, I think maybe India where sometimes a monkey will steal your sandwich because they run around with people. I wish that squirrels were so bold.
Craziest fear about being pregnant. And I have worried about this at least 5 times since I found out two weeks ago. I keep thinking I will demagnetize the baby. I try to keep my magnetic work key and front apartment door key away from my tummy. If I ever accidently touch my tummy with these magnetic keys, I think, damn it! I have demagnetized the baby! Damn it. Damn it. Damn it!
Jeff and I went for my first prenatal care appointment this morning. I am 7 weeks pregnant. My due date is Aug. 16, 2005. We go back in two weeks for the first look at our passenger.
Today they took lots and lots of blood to test me for all kinds of things. We talked about my fears, which were weight gain and my daily prozac. Jeff got to watch me get a pap smear, which was hilarious. I looked over and saw him and just started laughing my ass off. Talk about out of place. And when the bloodtakers took all that blood, Jeff was so lovely, holding my hand and telling me I would be ok. My first mate's capacity for sympathy is way beyond what I expected it would be. I am so pleased by that. I should have known, though, because he is a sensitive lovely boy.
Christmas came and went in it's own boring way as usual. I am not a huge fan of xmas. I wish I were. Jeff gave me a lovely glitterlimes bracelet that is way more great that I hoped. Oh course, it doesn't look great with my seasickness bracelets, but oh well. One nice surprise was seeing Heidi mypapercrane.com in the Old Navy while visiting my mother in law in Hagerstown! She came up to me and totally surprised me. I felt very shy for some reason, mostly because I was so surprised to see her. I almost didn't recognize her because i couldn't see many of her amazing tattoos. I hugged her and talked briefly. Maybe this is weird... but whenever I see Heidi, I want to move to a house near her and see her all the time. I mean, I hardly know her in the real world. But there is this thing about her that makes me want to spend time with her. Hopefully that isn't weird and stalky. Haha.
New symptoms of pregnancy this week: my boobs are filling back out (after having lost 70 pounds, they were a little deflated, having gone from a 42DD to a 38D) and are so frelling sore. All I do is nightmare that I can't find a shirt; I am so tired that I wanna go to sleep at 8pm; all I crave is cheese.
I am seven weeks pregnant. My hair is blue and pink and my panda ears are ploppy. I am wearing pink and burgandy. My passenger is the size of a bean from tail to head. I have decided on a water theme for the baby things. We have finally decided to not name it Shipwreck if it is a boy, even though Shipwreck was the best of all the GI Joes. The salty one, as Jeff says. My world is cold yet sunny. It matches my feelings right now. All I feel is the sick of being pregnant still, but I keep whispering to myself. "You are growing the future captain of a future ship. You are growing une serpeant de mer. You are going to have a leo, like yourself. God help Jeff who will live with two leos, two captains, two seamonsters."
The lovely well-wishers are all emailing me. Thank you so much. I haven't been able to write back at all. I plan on writing to everyone this evening. Your words have been really moving, though. All of you.
A few things about my new journey that I have been dealing with.
1. Going from weight loss to pregnancy. I am learning to eat again. I have gone back down to pre-vacation weight in the past week, even though I am eating like crazy. We are going to continue to chronical my weight on this new voyage. I mean I, not we. hehe. So, right now, I weigh 226. Which is nearly 70 pounds down from my largest weight a year and a half ago. I read that i shouldn't gain more than 2 to 5 pounds in the first 20 weeks. So we will see if I can maintain that. I have been eating when I am hungry and drinking non-diet gingerale. Today the non-diet gingerale is stopping. I have also gone off of all caffiene. I am trying to eat exactly what my body asks for. That means lots of cheese, pudding and broccoli. Oh and hamburger. My little one wants red meat. So, this whole weight and food thing will be an ongoing topic of discussion. Jeff says I have never looked thinner, to this, i will eat a cheeseburger.
2. I have had a hard time owning this new journey. Making it mine. I have felt a little more like an oven than a chef. I am hoping this is a normal feeling. I think it is. Right now, I am only feeling the sick of being pregnant, as soon as that goes away, I am sure I will feel more like I am actually part of this. Jeff is such an amazing person... he has been very good about helping me and talking to me and showing concern and all kinds of wonderfulness. I can't imagine women of the past going through this without sensitive hubbies. I told jeff, I will get to see what it was like for my ancestors to walk 2-3 miles a day while pregnant, since that is my walk to and from work. The only difference is that I am walking to a comfy job and my greatgrandma was prolly walking to pick her drunk husband off the floor of a bar, or perhaps to bring home a cow for milk or something like that.
I am six weeks pregnant. I have blue hair and am wearing mauve. My passenger is now about 3 to 5 millimeters -- about the size of a peppercorn. I am beginning to own this new voyage. I can't wait until I can fully captain it, but that time is coming. My navigations tell me so.
i saw her again just now. my pretend grandma. she was standing on the corner with a cup. i never know if she is collecting money because she doesn't look homeless. and i see her on her way to work in the morning. i have seen her on her way to work and panhandling off and on for 10 years. we always talk. we always smile.
merry christmas, she said as I walked past her to the CVS. Merry Christmas, I replied. The whole time in the CVS, I am thinking about her cup and whether or not she is actually panhandling or just standing there in the freeze with a cup. And I wonder if at 74, she even knows. So, I take $5 out of my wallet and make my way out to see her. I walk up to her with my $5 and try to give it to her.
No, she says. You need it for your holiday. No, I don't, I say. Now I am getting worried that I am offering money to someone who is indeed NOT panhandling. No, really, this is for you, I say. To this she says, you know what I want you to do with that? I want you to have a christmas party for all the little kids. She says this with a twinkle in her eye. I ask her if I can give her a hug. I do. And i whisper, it is nice to see you. I whisper this and in my arms I feel my own grandma. Fraile and soft. I pull away and my pretend grandma's eyes are sparkley with tears. This is a bad tv moment, but it is ok.
Day Number 38
5 weeks (gestational age: 24 days / 3 weeks)
242 days remaining
The baby is only about 2 mm long, but is well-nourished and is growing rapidly.
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Things I have smelled with my super pregnant sense of smell in the past few days:
- my archie, the dog. oh my, he is a smelly beast
- my city, my home. smells like chemicals.
- cars. god how i hate cars.
- soup, for lunch, also smelled like chemicals.
- strawberries, yum.
- homeless woman comes up to me to tell me she likes my hair.
- white board marker in a meeting at work from across the room.
Yesterday, I went to get my official obgyn blood test to tell me I indeed do have a passenger. My powers of eternal youth were in full force. The blood-taker asked if I was Tina. I said yes. Are you sure, she said. Yes, I laughed. Well, this chart says you are 31, that can't be right. No, it is right, I say, laughing. No way, she says. You can't be more than 24. I get that a lot, I say. This was a good exchange because it took my brain off of the sea-sickness.
Today is day 3 of knowing about my new journey. My first mate is a happy hubby. I am realizing that when we talked about "having a baby," I think I forgot that I, being the girl, would have to carry this passenger across the sea. I am so used to being the captain that I forget these things sometimes.
But my tummy is telling me over and over today. You are growing a person. You are growing a person. You are growing a future captain of a future ship.
The webbies for preggies are all telling me to get a seasickness bracelet. I think that is so funny.
After my night of vomitting and complaining that the dog smells bad, Jeff took this picture of the little test that I took this morning. So at 31, I am pregnant for the first time. And it is snowing tiny flakes outside. And I am craving Cheerios. Cheerios!
While my weight loss journey is taking a slight detour for the next 9 months, a new journey has begun. I woke up from a nap this afternoon after dreaming of the bright yellow room that my sister and I used to share when we were kids. The light in the center of the room was the first thing I saw and I felt this huge surge of happiness. Followed by the need to vomit. I thought, that is what my life will be like from now on... happy, then vomit.
From my calculations, I am about 5 weeks pregnant. I will know for sure after my first appointment on Monday. Jeff and I were talking about how it is funny that we have been together for 10 years and yet, here we are, pregnant for the first time. Weird but cool.
I am the captain of a great ship today. And I have a passenger. And he or she is telling me to eat Cheerios and Peach Sorbet and then throw up.
Hello new journey.
I have now seen the Pixies twice. First night, Constitution Hall was boiling, like 90 degrees. We sat way far up and the crowd was a little lame lame lame. Brian kept burning me with a fake ciggy made out of paper that I gave him to put his used gum in. He chewed the gum all night, and used the paper to pretend he was a badass. Prior to the show, I had this insane attack of the hypers that led me to hugely curse in front of some tourist kid and his parents. It was a happy cursing, so it wasn't so bad, but hey. They sang all the songs that I like in the beginning and Kim Deal looked a bit like someone's mom from far far away. Jeff was a happy beaver.
Second night. I was smart and wore way less clothes. A skirt and shirt in pink. No sweater. This time, the place (or I) was freeza! We sat in like the 8th row and had to contend with the anarchy of people who don't sit in their own seats, but sit wherever they like. The floor seats were much more comfortable. This time, Kim Deal was so rad in her GamaGo! shirt and lovely big big smile. This time, they played the songs I like at the end. Both times, I knew why Kim left the band to make the Breeders. She really is the jewel in the crown that is the Pixies. Eek! I know, either you think that or not. There is no middle ground. When she sang the lady in the radiator song, I just whispered "wow." Jeff was more lego-smiles than ever. Happy christmas, Charlie Brown.
Earlier, I spent a day off with my sister and her girls again. I think I am becoming closer to her than I ever was when I was younger. I am happy about that.
A few other notes about the past few days...
** It is very hard to take a 6 foot Xmas tree on the Metro. But when taking said tree on the Metro, everyone smiles at you. People love xmas trees.
** Not going to work and spending the day with children is exhausting. I felt the fatigue in my core and loved it.
** Lost is the best show on television. I am almost thinking it is better than Buffy was. Perhaps not better than Firefly, but still.
** I wanna start travelling to see my fave bands play. I wanna see Mary Lou Lord so badly. But she doesn't have a tour planned. She is what Dolly Parton was to me when I was 9. I will say it again. Her singing makes me want to be a prettier girl.
** I decided last night to get a short haircut. We will see if I go through with it. I am thinking short and pink and blonde and punk and messy and uneven, with a hint of blue. Like sunshiney waves in the middle of the sea.
** I had decided to get a wicked big tattoo on my arm, (shoulder?) for XMAS. BUT! I can't find a design. I want want a seamonster that is both pretty and scary and also cute and cartoony, but still scary. Hmm.... Send me your ideas.
** HGTV "passed" on me for a show about crafters. Thank god. But I am still available for appearances on something cooler if you are looking for people to make shows about.
** All of my orders this week have been for shirts and bags. THis is rad, but also makes the ninjas sad.
** I thought this morning about how I love my life and miss my grandma. At that moment, this lady walks up to me on the corner and starts to talk to me. I have seen her for years near my work. At one point she was panhandling and I gave her $5. THis was maybe 7 years ago. Now it seems that she has a job or at least pretends to get dressed and walk to work. I have wondered a few times in the past few years if she is real. Today she told me she loved my hair and that she is 72 years old. And that she has a "little girl" who is 53. She asked me how old I was and I said 31. You could be my granddaughter then, she said. Then she wandered off and I missed my grandmother more than ever. The world is full of people who could be your grandmother, I thought.
If I ever were the captian of a great ship, it is today. The air outside is cold and wet and the rain spits on you like it is jumping from waves. The cuffs of my pink courdory pants are wet and dirty and I like it that way. I kept trying to hail a cab this morning, so that I could get to work early. But they were all full. All little pods with people inside, traveling across the ocean, while I am the captain of my own little vessel, navi navi the high seas. I felt like I was trying to hail a tug boat. After a while, I gave up. When I give up one thing, I usually give up all of them. So down my umbrella went. And I let the rain fall on me freely, like some kind of insane girl with pink and blue hair. Carrying an umbrella in a storm, rather than using it. This action made my panda ears ploppy today. Plop plop. The silliness of wearing Mary Janes in the rain soon dawned on me as my spotted socks began to chill with rain.
I am the captain of a great ship. I am the captain of a tiny boat. I am the captain of my future and my self.
I feel like those three lines are the answers to give all people when they have problems. I wish someone would have told me those things when I was, say, 16. I wish someone would have told me those things at 24. And now at 31, I tell myself and you and we all can be the captain.
I almost wrote those 3 lines are the answers to give all girls who have problems. But, I thought about it and realized that we are so beyond that. I am so beyond that. Boys are just as worthy of advice as girls. It is funny because while I know that mostly females read my blog, it is boys who fill my real day to day life. That is a tangent. Thank you for following me on it.
Sorry to all of the emails that I haven't answered since I got home from London. I am still on vacation from work, but I have had to go to work once a day for the past few days... anyway... today was my first totally free day where I could just continue my vacationing.
Brian and I spent the day having a filmfest... well, it was only actually two movies, but still! Two movies in theaters in one day is rad. I love running from one to another... it is so much fun. walking the dog now... will be back to tell you what we saw.
Ok, back. I rushed out of the house at 9:45 this sunny morning to meet Brian for our lovely walk to the new movie theater at Gallery Place. I wore my panda ears, long Buffy jacket ( not with Buffy on it, but Buffy style) and my big white sunglasses that make me look like a rock star. I actually needed the glasses, though, since it was sooo sunny. We decided to meet on 16th street between our apartments, so I did a bit of fast fast walking so that he wouldn't think I was a slow poke. In the course of the fast fast walking, I noticed that my bum was very cold. That was because the faster I walked the more my too big jeans began to slip slip. Haha. Thank god for the long Buffy-style jacket;. I met Brian, who was amazed at my speed. I am speedy.
Before the movie we stopped at the Marvelous Market to get breakfast. Yum. I picked up these two little candies as surprises for later. Surprises because you couldn't tell the flavors from the packages.
So, the new movie theater is soo nice. We got tickets to Finding Neverland, which we had passed on last week for Spongebob. haha. Anyway, there were a total of 3 other people in the theater with us. 11:10 on a Thursday morning will do that. We got nachos and popcorn and Brian promised to let me have some cheese for my popcorn, but he kept his popcorn eating to one piece at a time since he had a cold and didn't want to spread his germs around. I also made sure that I didn't each from his vat of cheese, taking the second one for me. Yeah for eating bad food at the movies. One of the other people at the movie was this teenager, a fat kid with a backpack who looked like he was totally skipping school. Made me remember my days of skipping school to see movies. The best time was when we skipped to go into the city to see Pump up the Volume. What a time. The movie was very very sweet and the themes of imagination and embracing childhood and such were lovely and totally for me. Brian and I kept worrying about how JM Barrie might have really been a pedophile or whatever. But I tried to keep that out of my mind and just enjoy the movie for it's loveliness and not for it's factual errors. Johnny Depp. Amazing accent. I kept thinking of the Scottish acent on that first Looper album which I have listened to so many times. I searched for one wrong note from Depps' performance, but it was flawless. Kate Winslet didn't have much to do as the dying mum, but she was still pretty with her big blue eyes. The kids were all British and good and well... you can't not enjoy British kids. There wasn't a dry eye in the house at the end, which I expected, but that was ok. I don't know. I don't mind being manipulated so much when certain actors are involved. I am becoming a softie.
Next was Godard's 1967 "classic" Weekend for free at the National Gallery of Art. Neither Brian nor I had ever seen it... so it was a good opportunity to get to see it in a theater. I love only one other Godard movie, but I respect his merits and find his stuff charming in a sort of hateful way. haha. He is no Truffaut, but that is kinda the point. If I were Godard in the 60's and friends with Truffaut, I might have been more Godard than Truffaut, too... but hey that was before Prozac.
I am not sure what to say about Weekend. The first 45minutes or so are great... but that is just goes god knows where. At one point, I started to think, this movie is about how Godard hates us. He hates whoever is watching this and wants them to hate him too. Anyway... I don't want to sound stupid about Godard so I won't go on. We did laugh and laugh at some things, though. But the movie was two hours long... and at one point when you think his treatment of the characters and people can't get any worse, he starts slaughtering animals. hhaha. I do love how the characters are totally unlikeable (sp) and keep asking people if they are in a film or reality. Hilarious. When it was over, the French lady behind us let out this huge huge French sigh. Me too, lady, I thought. haha.
So, I enjoyed my day of movies. I love going to more than one movie in a day. Hopefully the next filmfest will be 3 movies...I like the idea of comparing two movies that have nothing to do with one another just because you saw them both on the same day. Reminds me of seeing like Ford Fairlane and Dances with Wolves on the same day in high school... ok that is sorta a stretch, but you know what I mean. Being submersed into two totally different worlds back to back is fun. Fun, what a small word for a big thing. Fun.
So, yeah. sorry if I haven't emailed ya back. I have been running around town watching movies and eating bad food and generally enjoying the rest of my vacation.
Tomorrow is thrift storing in Laurel with my little brother. Will check in again on Saturday.
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