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Halloween Friday and I have so far seen a safari man and a park ranger and a demon headed guy dressed like a teenager; all hoodie and band t-shirt and jeans. I have only walked 5 blocks and now I am looking at everyone to discern whether or not they are in costume or their regular person.
I think of Donnie Darko and E.T. and then try to think of all the other movies set on Halloween. If I were a director, all of my movies would be set on Halloween. No matter what the movie was about. You always get a sense of the surreal on Halloween.
A metro worker, oldish black gentleman smiles bright and asks if I am a child for Halloween. I say no this is who I always am. He points to my hair, in panda ears. I say, nope, just me. Are you a Metro employee for Halloween, I ask? And he winks and says -- I wish it was only today.
Suki is singing The Mountain Goats to me and only me and I get out my pen to write this all down
Pretty Girls Make Graves and Death Cab for Cutie, 9:30 club, October 23
It is late. And I am standing standing among a crowd of the young. Watching. Them and the stage and you and me. We have once again broken the no 9:30 club rule. But tonight I don't let my age discourage me from dancing my ass off.
Layers are off already. Dark green polyester retro retro bought for you a long time ago, pockets badged up with mypapercrane and plainmabel. You never liked it, glad I kept it for me. Lime green gap cardi is also in my arms and I feel like I am carrying half of my closet around. Pretty girl squeezes past me and whispers, "I like your t-shirt" as lots do when I wear my black and pink q and not u shirt. They are big here now, which is rad.
The singer from Pretty Girls Makes Graves is older than I thought she would be. And plumper and reminds me a little of my mother when I was little. Or perhaps a little of myself. It is encouraging that someone so normal can be on stage like this and have a bunch of people sing along. You are flashing me that Lego smile because this is the band you are here to see tonight. I think I am more here to see Death Cab, but as with all good life-changing moments, I don't know what the night will bring.
So the Pretty Girls Make Graves singer is on stage and I am thinking about my own situation. About who I am and who i want to be and who I am becoming. It is a good place to be, and good things to think about. I wonder what kind of job I could do where I would be making so many people happy. I start to think about what I want to do when i grow up, even though at 31, I am offically grown up.
These thoughts take me back to this line:
An unusual activity will bring about an interesting turn of events.
It was in my horoscope on Friday. I read it after the "Incident of the Lost Cell Phone". See, Thursday night, I found a cell phone on the ground. It was a Virgin Mobil pay as you go phone. I picked it up because, well, I am a scavenger. Anyway, long story short. I got the phone back to it's owner, who wasn't who I expected it would be. I got it back to it's owner who was actually extremely thankful that I picked it up and got it back to him. He and his friend brought me a card about how cats sometimes leave dead mice as gratitude, along with a nice note about the state of honest people. There was this moment, in the lobby of my office, standing there in my yeti shirt and lemon lime scarf, looking so french wearing a scarf inside, when I handed this phone to this person I didn't know and I got a small yellow envelope and the biggest smile. I was a hero. For a moment, I was a tiny hero. And I thought... I like making people happy. I really do. I like surprise helping people. It was such a small thing, but then again such a huge thing.
An unusual activity will bring about an interesting turn of events.
So the whole night, I am thinking about who I want to be and what I want to do. Between bands, I turn to you and ask you if you think I would be a good elementary school art teacher. Of course, you say. That would combine my love for helping people with my love for art. Interesting. I put the idea in my pocket and wait for the next band to take the stage.
We are packed in here and you are standing behind me, holding my hand. Death Cab for Cutie is playing and the lead singer looks like Fred Flintstone. "The glove compartment is inacturately named and everybody knows it." I can hear you singing louder than the band and suddenly our past floods through me and I am overwhelmed with the years and years of singing along with bands in dark smelly clubs with you. I look up and you seem so tall, even though you haven't gained any height. You touch my waist and it is like you are touching a new part of me. You are literally touching a part of me that was once completely hidden behind so many other layers. Perhaps this is figurative and literal. So, these past 10 years and perhaps nearly what 500 or 600 nights of dark loud singing along come flooding back to me and it is amazing, these hours spent with you.
Stiff legs make it hard to walk home, but we are energized. Talk talk talk. We talk about future plans and having a kid and where we want to be. The idea about becoming an art teacher comes up again, then you are saying the most bloody brilliant thing I have ever heard. You totally solve my problem of what to be when I grow up. You say I would be a great kindergarten teacher. It is something I have never ever thought about. But it makes so much sense. As my niece, Brittney says, you would be good at that because you are sooooo fun! It isn't like I don't want to be a web developer like I am now, I have just been trying to think of a reason to go back to college part time and didn't want to unless there was something I really wanted to do. And after a night of dancing and singing in the smoke smoke dark, one of hundreds of such nights in our lives together, you figure it out.
It is 2 am and it is hard to sleep with the knowledge that you know who I should be and I know who you already are and 2 might soon make 3.
We wake up with plans plans plans and I am finally calm but not and it is perfect.
the jalapeno peppers woke me up at 5 am. I didn't know what day it was or where i was sleeping. weird. if 3 little peppers did that to my stomach, i can't imagine what more would do. all morning long, the peppers plotted their escape, jumping around in there, burning the sides of my wee tummy. i couldn't sleep. i hate that. now i am frelling exhausted.
how can something so yummy be so bad for you? tis the truth about most things, i suppose.
i have a fastfast fun fast weekend planned. but i already told you that. i think i will listen to both death cab for cutie today as well as all the songs on my ipod about rollercoasters.
today's colors are blue and brown. and i am a sleepy bunny.
........night
we never see movies on week nights. at least not in the theater. but tonight we went to see Team America since Jake asked us to go. whoohoo. it was fun and funny. Thanks for getting us out of the house, Jake!
There was a preview for the Spongebob movie and Brian was like... that movie is totally you... which makes me wonder if my personality is really that of spongebob or spongebob and all his friends. i wouldn't mind if it was, it is just funny that i have never seen the show. It made me laugh that he said it though, that I might have the personality of a Sponagebob movie.
I had my first ever jalapeno pepper! yumnmy but scary, like well... i can't think of anything else yummy but scary. maybe sushi for the first time. maybe eating something alive. yummy but scary.
My mom and her co-workers had a good laugh about my army of clones skirt today. The best thing was when my mom asked me if I had worn that skirt to work... haha. I said, that is getting dressed up for work, dude. I heard all of her co-workers laugh. Her too. I enjoyed that, making my mother laugh.
The weekend is here and I am lively. Death Cab for Cutie on saturday. Doug is coming to visit. Rollercoastering on sunday. I will have a time. I will have a time time time.
.........morning
I am the craftiest craftser of the week in this week's Washington Citypaper. see page 48 for a picture of my ninjas! It is a small ad, but was free and sends to my classified ad on page 130. coolio.
As if you haven't seen enough pictures of me... Jeff took this one of me this morning. 67 pounds gone. Only posting it so that you can see me tiny and smiling and also so you can see my new hallway rug!
i didn't expect for my scale to change it's tune for me this morning. but he did.through sleepy eyes, he wispered a new number to me: 224. i stepped off and asked again. are you sure? yes, 224. i have never ever seen this number. she is new to me. as are the hallowing out of my thighs. so, 66 pounds gone.
looks like the extra walking is doing it.
This morning, our friend, Jake starts at my work. Rad. It is weird to join two of my worlds. Good luck, Jake!
My sister sent me this picture from her cellphone. It is of my 5 month old niece, Shyanne. She, too, will be a good laugher when she grows up, it seems, since she is already learning.
And below are both her and her big sister, Brittney in the pumpkin patch.
I have been spending more time with my sister lately and it is rad. I love watching her kids grow. It makes me look forward to having my own, even though my niece, Brittney (7) says I am way too old to have a kid. Silly girl.
I haven't written in days! Ok. Two days. ;)
Going to see I heart Huckabees tonight. For real this time. The commericals are getting better. More funny. I love the funny. I am a great laugher, I have been told.
Are you watching Lost? You should be. Tune in for the mystery, stay for the character development.
Farscape movie is on Sunday night. Jeff and I only have 18 more hours of season four to watch before then. Haha. No, for real, dog.
I think I might be totally redoing the store this weekend. Wish me luck.
Have I told you. I take every corner like a dance floor? I do. I do. I take every corner like a dance floor.
Treat yourself this weekend. Treat yourself everyday. I sound like Oprah, but I am way cooler. No, for real, I am.
On the bottom is a new picture, taken yesterday of my progress. i am now (still) at 65 pounds gone. I weigh 225. The jeans are a size 18 and the sweater is a women's XL from H&M and if you know H&M you should be surprised because their clothes are tiny! The first picture was taken at my parent's house last summer, it is me at only 18 pounds gone. In that picture, my pants are a size 24 and my shirt is a men's XXL. And what was up with that huge hair! I think the biggest difference is my legs and my neck. And look at my new saddle bags, aren't they lovely?
I found you this morning. Across the mountain that is the center of our bed. You smelled of cigarrettes and sleeping dogs, which would be funny if I said we had neither. It was surprisingly nice. But considering sleeping dog is my favorite smell next to wood, not surprising at all, but just nice.
****
more later.
Listening to: Mountain Goats
Thinking about: the color purple and acorns
Dreaming about: blue hair
more later.
Here is one view from my new rooftop deck. You can't see everything from this one and the view is much more breathtaking at night. But here is the first picture:
And here is a picture that I took of Brian and I on the roof this afternoon. As usual, as I am told I don't look as happy or smilely as I really am. I can't smile on command. Plus, I was talking to Brian when I took this and the sun was in my eyes eyes eyes, so I am all small eyes. Brian looks all happy though. Sillly Brian, making me look not as happy because he looks so happy. I promise to the people who complain, I will try to post a picture of me smiling more.
Today was lovely. Jeff, Brian and I went to see Shaun of the Dead, which was very very enjoyable. Brian has now been redeemed for dragging us to see at least one very bad movie in the past few months. It wasn't his fault, but he was really wanting_needing this one to be funny. He got it! Lucky duck.
Tomorrow night we are all going to see the Mountain Goats, who i haven't seen in actual years. I hope he is still good. I love that new record, even though it is about divorce and very sad. I have been a busy busy girl lately. All party party. Well, not party, but busy fun outside of the house girl. I think it is because of October. It is my favorite month to be alive. To exist. To experience life.
Tonight we begin our crazy Farscape marathon. We have to watch all of season 4 in like 7 days. I have no idea how. We will see.
I looked for myself in a bathroom mirror today and couldn't find me. Haha. I just didn't recognize myself. I love that. I am always so used to seeing this huge fat girl in the mirror and when i see a smaller person, i wonder where I am. I worry sometimes about not being a fat girl anymore. I worry that I won't be pretty if I lose too much weight. That must sound funny to girls who fear being fat. That I fear being thin. But it is the truth and I must share it. But then I realize, no matter what, i will always still be a big girl and I love that. I can work hard to accomplish the weight loss, but still stay pleasingly plump and curvey and girly. So, I end up with the best of all worlds. A sense of accomplishment and still pretty pretty plump. I guess that is the upside of starting at nearly 300 pounds. Haha. I can always find a positive side to every frelling thing.
This is a strange time. A flux time. I am in flux. But you already knew that. Sorry to repeat. But it bares repeating. It is worth repeating. Repeat. Forward. Repeat and forward again. Move forward. Repeat. Don't be a still shark. You will die. Still sharks die. So keep moving and swimming. Ahead. Remember. Ahead. Ahead. Ahead. No matter where it takes you. Ahead is always the right way to go.
I haven't talked about the weight loss in a while since other things have been getting in the way. Truth is I didn't think about food or weight loss for most of September. I sorta let my body do what it wanted since my stress levels were a little high. I have to admit I ate a few cheeseburgers and one piece of coconut cream pie last week. Crazy!
But this week, since the moving and crafty bastards arts fair are over, I am back to counting points. I weighed myself for the first time in two weeks yesterday and oddly, I weigh the same as I did before the cheeseburgers and pie. Well, I maintained my weight for September. I am still at 65 pounds gone and i am actually very happy about it. I can't really ask for much more. But it makes sense, I exercised more and ate more and staying the same. There is one difference, though. My thighs are hallowing out more. It is funny. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night wondering whose legs are in my bed. Then i realize they are mine.
So. It is October. I am counting points and walking an extra 5 blocks to work each way everyday. i think it is about another mile a day. Saturday, I start the gym again. So, hopefully, I will have some good news to share come end of October. I would like to be at 75 pounds gone, but we will see.
I know I totally sound like a weight loss freak. Sorry. I am not. This is my journey. What is scary is that I am finally at a place where I feel healthy and happy. That is so frightening to me. I don't want to stay here, but I know I could. My doctor wrote 170 on a piece of paper and told me to keep it with me. It is like a prescription. One that isn't so easy to fill. But in a lot of ways, shouldn't be so hard either, considering how far I have come.
Here's hoping I have a new photo to show you of my progress by the end of the month.
Hello to the boy on the orange bike. I didn't see you wave, but Jeff did.
Today I am wearing orange and red. Even my pants and shoes. Washington is so grey. Everyone wears grey. Colors make me happy. I wonder if there is a city somewhere where everyone wears colors that don't match. Is there a walky city where people are pretty? Maybe I mean lovely, and not pretty? Am I making sense? I am a silly yeti.
Sometimes my nonsense worries people. Do I worry you? I doubt it because you don't live with me. It only worries the people I live with. I always think of nonsense as negative capability. You know, like Keats. I am bouncy today. It is the weekend and I will dance my butt off tonight at the Q and not U show. And when they play Wet Works from the new record, Jeff will smile like he got legos for xmas. And I will have my hair in panda ears and all will be right with the world.
I think a lot about how when I was younger, I had no idea my life could be so good. I say that without even worrying that it will stop being so good. I worry not. Do you have wishes and dreams? Or have your surpassed them and need some more. Both are good places to be. The only bad place to be is sans wishes and dreams, never havaing had them at all. I am working on some new ones. Cooking up a plan for new wishes. They are forming slowly like ice in the freezer, but they are forming.
I am a positive yeti. Colorful, positive yeti.
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